HERMIONE: Hello Ron.
RON: Hi Hermione – where have you been?
HERMIONE: The library..
RON (rolls eyes): Like I couldn’t have guessed.
HERMIONE: Listen, Ron, if you went to the library occasionally, you might have learned something. After seven years of magical education, you still have all the comprehension of a decerebrated jellyfish.
RON: You’re mental, Hermione. You know that. But I can tell that you’re bursting with information. You know what they say – better out than in.
HERMIONE: Well, it’s like this. You know those Harry Potter books…
HARRY: Please don’t start that again, Hermione. We’ve been over this a thousand times…
HERMIONE: No we haven’t Harry, and I’ve told you a billion times not to exaggerate. I think I’ve found a common plan, you know … a key.
HARRY: You mean …
RON: What are the Harry Potter books? About cauldrons, or something?.
HERMIONE: Ron, even you must have heard about them. You must have done … unless you’ve spent the past decade and a half in a box buried five miles below Hagrid’s Hut, you can’t fail to have noticed the literary phenomenon of J. K. Rowling’s Harry Potter books, about the many and egregious adventures of a schoolboy wizard.
HERMIONE: Well, this is what I’ve found. It’s a pattern. Not in the books themselves, but in the titles of the books. They all take the form Harry Potter and the [qualifier] [object] (as in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone) or Harry Potter and the [object] of [qualifier] (such as Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.
RON: You’re brilliant, Hermione. I love you.
HERMIONE (blushing): Never mind that now, Ron, and get your hands off those. It strikes me that there could be other books – books that could solve all the riddles, tie up all the loose ends…
HARRY: Like how, in the Deathly Hallows, you suddenly tell us that fiendfyre can destroy Horcruxes, with absolutely no preamble whatsoever…?
RON: Or how, if the only wizarding school in Britain is Hogwarts, this can sustain an entire magical economy?
HERMIONE: Personally, I can’t stand all the adverbs, used to qualify speech, as in ‘”Go ahead, make my day,” said Dumbledore, dully’. Whoever heard of the word ‘dully’ anyway?
RON: That’s easy. Dionysus Dully was a Beater for the Cromer Chimaeras. Ask me another.
HERMIONE: Is that all you boys think about? Quidditch?
HARRY: No, not all. Sometimes we …
HERMIONE: Anyway, as I was saying, all we have to do is look for titles of the same form…
HARRY: You mean, like Harry Potter and the Bunny of Doom, or Harry Potter and the Geranium of Fear?
RON: Or Harry Potter and the Unicycling Girrafe?
HERMIONE: Now you’re just being silly. And you don’t spell ‘girrafe’ like that.
RON: I didn’t – it’s just this quill I bought off Fred and George.
HERMIONE (exasperated): Here, use mine.
RON: Thanks, Hermione.
HARRY: But I reckon there has to be more than that – more than just a pattern. There must be a theme to the pattern. Got to be.
HERMIONE: You know, Harry, that’s brilliant.
HARRY: Well, I do pay attention myself. Sometimes.
HERMIONE: I really think you’re on to something, Harry. It explains a lot. You see, I came across a magical spell which gives references to a whole slew of lost Harry Potter books – mostly with scientific theme. Many of them sound like locales of mystery and suspense, but they’re not. It’s a code.
RON: A code?
HARRY: A code – for what?
HERMIONE: I think they’re anatomical eponyms. Most of them, anyway.
RON: You’ve lost me.
HERMIONE: Names for parts of the body. If we can get them in the right order…
RON: … and recite them in the right way …
HARRY: Voldemort’ll be toast.
RON: What have you got so far?
HERMIONE: I’ve got Harry Potter and the Fissure of Sylvius, Harry Potter and the Organ of Corti, Harry Potter and the Crypts of Lieberkuhn …
RON: Sounds painful.
HERMIONE: … Harry Potter and the Circle of Willis, Harry Potter and the Islets of Langerhans, Harry Potter and the Ampullae of Lorenzini, Harry Potter and the Sinus of Morgagni, Harry Potter and the Foramina of Luschka, Harry Potter and the Loop of Henle, Harry Potter and the Bursa of Fabricius, Harry Potter and the Canal of Nuck, Harry Potter and the Artery of Adamkiewicz, Harry Potter and the Striae of Retzius, Harry Potter and the Great Vein of Galen, and …
HERMIONE (blushing again): Well, I might as well just come out and say it – Harry Potter and the Bora of Zivkovic.
RON: If that’s a part of the body, then…
HERMIONE: I know.