The great satirist, musician and all-round egghead Tom Lehrer once noted having received a letter which read
Darling, I love you and I cannot live without you. Marry me or I will kill myself.
Disturbed, naturally, by this effusion, Mr Lehrer looked once again at the envelope and found that it was addressed
To Occupant
Turning, however, to my favourite topic (myself) I have this morning been deluged with a letter which, when casually opened by myself on arrival at the office orifice, started thusly
You have been nominated to appear in Great Minds of the 21st Century, a major reference directory including just 1,000 of the world’s top thinkers and intellectuals.
I could go one better than Mr Lehrer, however – the letter was actually addressed to me. And, well, false modesty being in my not-so-humble opinion an overrated virtue, I am one of the world’s top thinkers and intellectuals. There’s no argument about it. What’s important is who’s doing the nominating.
It was then that I began to get a little suspicious.
The letter came from a body called the American Biographical Institute, Inc., of Raleigh, North Carolina. Naturally, I looked them up in that unbiased source of all knowledge and wisdom founded by Professor Trellis of North Wales The Outlaw Josey Wales, and this is what I found. The casual reader will note that the American Biographical Institute is hardly the Royal Society, the House of Lords or even the production department for Desert Island Discs.
So, much as one would wish for one’s genius to be recognized, there is only so far that I’m prepared to push people into its recognition. True genius shouldn’t have to work that hard. What do they think I am, a schnorrer? So, in the meantime, I have consigned the invitation to the Circular File.
I am, however, left with an afterthought – who was it who nominated me? Was it done as a kind of jolly jape? Hang on, it might even have been one of you. Now, look, if whoever it was who nominated me for inclusion in this farrago is reading this, please would they do me a favour and nominate me for I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here instead?
I have not been, maybe it was Jeff (and I imagine the face of surprise Jeff with his mouth open).
Hurray for Captain Spaulding!
Did someone call me schnorrer?Hooray Hooray Hooray!
Henry, you're much too A-list to go on I'm a Celebrity.
Wow, look at all the honours you can buy! Are you seriously telling me that you don't want to be Continental Governor for the United States of America? How about Einsteinian Chair of Science? Or maybe Genius Laureate of the United States, International Man of the Year, International Medal of Vision, Man of Achievement, and/or Man of science?Most Admired Man of the Decade? No?How peculiar.
When the Futures column in Nature made it to the masthead, the Editor asked me what I wanted to be called, as head of that section. I suggested something like Galactic Emperor, Grand Mekon and Absolute Ruler of All Living Things. The Editor denied my request on the quite reasonable grounds that he thought that was his title.
Hm. Do you know anyone who lives near Raleigh, NC?Most Admired Man of the Decade? No?As in "wanted in 26 states"?
I have received a few such offers from the said Institute, as well as from Marquis Who's Who, but never ventured to respond. I'd have readily attributed such inaction to my natural diffidence borne out of humility, but it was more like a suspicion stemming from a critical examination of self-worth. But, Henry, if you ever get nominated for the 'International Man of Mystery', know you that it is I behind the nominification. Yeah, baby.
Well, it would no longer be that mysterious then, would it?