Herewith Shall Be Emplaced the Roll of Honour in which Participants in this Blog are Judged to have made a Contribution that Transcends the Mere Ordinariness of the Merely Ordinary, and, Stepping Forward, receive the Order of the Unicycling Girrafe, and, this having been attained, shall join, in Perpetuity, Eternally and Forever, Whichever Lasts Longest, the Grand Order of the Unicycling Girrafe, and Shall Henceforth be Entitled to Style Themselves as GOOFTUG, Notwithstanding Inasmuch as Which, [Ahem, Clears Throat] ... er ... where was I?
* Dr H. E. of Toulouse, for an elegant caption entry in a Foreign Language.
* Dr R. W. of Toronto, for Much Silliness.
* Dr C. E. of Vancouver, ditto.
* Dr R. J. O'H of Frankfurt, for more of the same.
* Dr A. C. of Santiago de Chile, our Latin America Correspondent.
* Professor T. of North Wales.
* Dr R. P. G. of Rotherhithe, because he said he'd kill me if he wasn't included.
Spear Carriers, Choristers, Defiant Guinea-Pigs, Noises Off by Members of the Cast.
Matinee Wednesdays. Concessions available.
I am a fairly well known radio personality who is an outspoken liberal, and one of the things I do every year is to bring attention to a local “Christian Creationist Science Fair” held at a local arts and crafts venue. My wife is a science teacher (Physics) in a department where one of the biology teachers is a creationist. This year, the creationist’s son has an entry in the creationist “science” fair.
What do I do? Everyone in this drama knows who everyone else is. Do I give the fair a pass this time around and not even mention it? Do I make a bigger deal of it than usual given that one of the entry’s parents is a sham biology teacher? Do I call in the tabloids? Or do I take a vacation in France for the month of March (when the fair is normally held)?
Dear Anonymous – a vacation in France is always a good idea, at any time of year. However, the fact that your wife is a physics teacher suggests a solution. I am sure that it is within her abilities to engineer some dreadful disaster to befall the creationist exhibit that can be passed off as an ‘Act of God’, a signal of His displeasure at their palaeolithic antics. You can then have a field day with this on your radio show.
Dear Sir/Madam
I am a girrafe who suffer from bad balance. A few years ago I was persuaded (against my better judgement) to try using a unicycle. This was an awful failure, and I almost broke my leg. Ever since then I have got this reputation for unicycling. It’s really getting to me – one silly mistake that got me banned from the house, and now everyone has the wrong idea. What can I do?
Yours, with 3 wheels firmly on the ground,
Gerald
Damn. And that ***ing cat is getting his mug shot on my comments too.
Bastard.
Dear Gerald – your problem is that you are a figment of someone else’s imagination. You might need to see a specialist. I’m afraid I can’t do anything about your cat. I’m overrun with the little bleeders already.
Dear gender-non-specific Agony Relative,
I am a 40-something person and I find I have all kinds of… well I don’t know what to call them. People I know from Twitter and Facebook and emails and discussion fora and even the occasional Blogging Network of Dubious Repute.
How do I refer to these people? I’ve never met any of them. Are they “friends”? “Colleagues”? Should I refer to them as “people I kinda sorta met on the internet but not really”? It’s getting embarrassing, my mum and dad think I’m making these new friends up, but I’m sure they really exist!
Thank you,
your… um… er… never mind,
Ricardipus.
Dear Ricardipus – I think your problem is, intriguingly, the inverse of Gerald’s. Whereas Gerald is a figment of someone’s imagination, I think you’ll find that all these ‘people’ to whom you refer are in fact a figment of yours. Perhaps I, too, am such a figment. In which case you’re just talking to yourself. And we all know where that leads.
That bloody cat claims that Ricardipus is a product of his imagination.
Cromercrox – thank you. I think.
Gerald – LA LA LA LA LA I can’t heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeear you!!!!
I have a horrible feeling that we are all, in fact, figments of the cat’s imagination. Keep him sweet, Gerald, or we’re all doomed.
Dear electronic friendly I have the feeling that something is wrong, but I have the feeling that something has changed in our perception, an amalgam of event occuring, we will be subjected at the electronic product designed and preconceived able to respond only such as the electronic machines, ¿Which pass close to the conversations in situ, although certain people person has bad breath, but there is a close interaction that gives off heat, give the same?
I’ll be going crazy ?
Yes.
Thanks Dr. Gee I knew you would understand me.
There are really good friends (…..electronics).