Feeling like rubbish yesterday following the recent bout of infestation stations, I called in at Carrow Road on my way home from London last night to see what should have been an easy win by high-flying Norwich City over struggling Doncaster Rovers.
The visitors, afflicted by injury and general tzores, could barely field three old ladies and a dog, and haven’t scored a goal since 1929 – but the match was woeful, and Norwich could just about scrape a draw (scoring Doncaster’s goal for them – a pitiful own-goal by a Norwich defender, a real facepalm moment). Usually when I’m at Carrow road the excitement is great (especially for an evening game) and the time flies by. Last night it crawled with the elan and esprit of an arthritic snail with brakes on. Perhaps feeling so meh didn’t help.
Before the match, various small boys run about on the pitch, announced as today’s team mascots, preceded by announcements about who they are, their age, what school they attend, and their interests. They are so, so, dull and generic it makes me want to scream. They all go something like this
Darren Bloke is 9, attends St Gary of the Recidivist’s Primary in Norwich, and enjoys Football and Computer Games
Kieran Bongle is 11, attends Our Lady of the GBH High School in Great Yarmouth, and enjoys Football and the XBox
That mascots enjoy football is expected. But apart from that, do they ever do anything but play Angry Penguins or Grand Theft Unicycle? I was crying out for some variation. If only…
Tarquin Fortescue is 10, and enjoys Lacemaking and Latin Poetry
Alfonso Sploo is 9, end enjoys re-reading Proust while listening to his Dad’s tapes of kittens being impaled on red-hot skewers.
Phantasmagorius Polycarp-Smith enjoys collecting female barnacles and helping his mother make cheese out of toenail clippings.
Anything! Anything but the Ludic Consolation!
Perhaps it was the slight delirium, then – the same that took this headline and read it as
DEFIANT GUINEA-PIG REFUSES TO QUIT
And in other news, here is a rare occasion in which I wiped the floor with my iPhone’s Scrabble program on its most difficult setting
(Well, if Steve and Austin can post chess problems…). I was very pleased with GALEtTeS, which was a bingo over two triple-word squares and scored me, like 300000 points. The iPhone Scrabble program has updated its dictionary in the most odd way. You can have ZO but no longer ZA, JA or EUOI (eheu!), and why can you have C*** but not ANAL? Bizarro.