{"id":4825,"date":"2015-12-06T09:49:43","date_gmt":"2015-12-06T08:49:43","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/occamstypewriter.org\/athenedonald\/?p=4825"},"modified":"2015-12-06T09:49:43","modified_gmt":"2015-12-06T08:49:43","slug":"just-say-no-but-how","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/occamstypewriter.org\/athenedonald\/2015\/12\/06\/just-say-no-but-how\/","title":{"rendered":"Just Say No (but How?)"},"content":{"rendered":"

One of those persistent stereotypes-by-gender is that women are less good at saying no than men. Whether or not you believe that to be true, there is no doubt that many of us \u2013 myself included \u2013 are less than perfect at saying exactly what we mean. It is too easy to try to soften a rejection to the point that the listener, who may after all have an ulterior motive in not hearing \u2018no\u2019, doesn\u2019t appreciate that your refusal is exactly that. This is not confined to Early Career Researchers, a topic recently addressed here<\/a>. We can all struggle unless incredibly resolute and clear.<\/p>\n

I probably first appreciated this lesson when a PhD student and found I had been assigned to help out in an undergraduate Electronics Lab. I could not imagine how this had happened, given I knew absolutely nothing about the subject (and to be honest didn\u2019t care overmuch). As it was my PhD supervisor who had had the job of assigning the task I asked him why he\u2019d done it. I thought it was some personal joke against me but no, he claimed to believe I\u2019d wanted to take the role on. I decided I must have said something along the lines of \u2018Well I know nothing about the subject and maybe it would be good if I did\u2019<\/em>, which had been translated as \u2018It would be wonderful to have to learn these skills so please put me in a position where I have to<\/em>\u2019. I\u2019d like to think I had learned something from this, but I\u2019m sure I am still perfectly capable of weasel wording \u2018no\u2019 into something that can be translated as \u2018yes\u2019.<\/p>\n

Undoubtedly, very often not being clear is a mistake. It is true that sometimes one wants to be persuaded into some role. A response of \u2018Oh not me, surely you don\u2019t think I could do XXX<\/em>\u2019 might indeed be modesty, false or otherwise, and the speaker really does mean \u2018Please persuade me because it sounds awfully exciting but I feel nervous about it\u2019<\/em>. However, probably just as often, it may simply mean \u2018not me\u2019, but our inability to say something as bald as that may find us doing something that we neither want nor that it is in our interest to do. So, finding words with which we are comfortable to say no really matters.<\/p>\n

What those precise words should be will of course depend on context. I find people now write to me inviting me to speak at events in the tone of \u2018num<\/em>\u2019 not \u2018nonne<\/em>\u2019. For those who weren\u2019t exposed to years of Latin I should spell out that this means they write expecting a negative response rather than a positive one, using phrases implying they\u2019re sure I get lots of invitations and my diary is a nightmare (both true). Undoubtedly this makes it easier to say \u2018Sorry but no<\/em>\u2019, since I am merely confirming their expectations. However this is a recent development and it doesn\u2019t stop me feeling bad, even guilty, that I simply can\u2019t do everything. After all, I know some (but by no means all) of the things I turn down would be fascinating and valuable. But, whether or not people expect a \u2018no\u2019 answer, one has to bear in mind the opportunity cost of agreeing.<\/p>\n

So, here are some common situations you may want to consider.<\/p>\n