For the Last Time

For the Last Time

I have written in the past about the challenges of doing something for the first time. For early career researchers, this could be anything from giving a conference presentation to travelling to another lab to learn a new skill or joining (and speaking up at) a departmental committee. Anything unfamiliar can feel unnerving, although the more one tries things out the more one learns (even, as I found when I gave a TedX talk, that I never wanted to do it again). Indeed, the more one tries, the more one may begin to believe that you can cope with new challenges even if you make a complete pig’s breakfast that very first time. With luck, you know you can live down any associated embarrassment and come back stronger next time around.

However, as I discussed in an earlier post, retirement from my post as Master of Churchill College is almost upon me, and I am now facing the opposite challenge. It is a weird sensation that every committee in College I turn up to chair, I know it’s for the last time. Whatever decisions are made, it is for someone else to carry out. It is not a very comfortable position to be in. Of course, I could be completely destructive and try to leave a mess behind me, but that really isn’t my style. More to the point, I am left thinking, why did I not do more? Why did I not push through that change that always lurked at the back of my mind, or encourage a junior member to be more forceful in setting out their imaginative ideas? One can always look back and feel that perhaps one was too laid back, too hesitant, too nervous…..You get the picture. Seniority does not necessarily bring supreme confidence (although, of course, it may for some people).

There will be some committees which were less exciting than others, at least for me, (that doesn’t of course mean they weren’t important), that perhaps I won’t be so sorry to see the back of. I am fortunate in that retired Masters remain Fellows at Churchill, so that I will be able to see how things that have been set in train pan out in the months and years ahead. Indeed, it astonishes me that not all colleges do this; how cruel to serve for a significant number of years and then be unceremoniously excluded from the future life of the college. I will, perhaps, be particularly interested to see how the work around sustainability develops, where Churchill has made significant strides, although there’s plenty more to do.  We are very proud of the fact that, not only have we installed solar panels on many of our, fortunately flat, roofs, but that we invested in training our maintenance staff, so that they have been able to do the installations themselves.

However, what this amounts to is that overall, doing things for the last time is definitely bittersweet. It is right and proper to move on: the historic habit of Masters serving for life is definitely something that should never be restored. One gets stale, apart from anything else, unable to see new solutions to old problems which a newcomer may spot instantly with their fresh eyes. I’m looking forward – even if with significant trepidation – to whatever comes next. I hope it will raise new challenges to stimulate (and the signs are starting to be positive on this front), new things to do for the first time, not the last. I hope I will still find the issues, quirky or deeply serious, which provoke me to continue with writing this blog, but I look forward to new horizons, situations, even committees to keep my brain agile and my service to the community non-negligible. Time will tell.