In a dramatic move today, the Government responded to an unprovoked attack on scientists from Guardian writer Simon Jenkins by announcing radical new priorities for UK science.
Revealing the policy shift, science minister David Willetts said*, “We have to re-purpose the scientific effort of the country to address the urgent problem of recovering the missing half of Simon Jenkins’ arse.”
“I will also contribute personally to the project,” continued Willetts, “by devoting one of my two brains to the search.”
Jenkins expressed huge relief at the news. “I simply can’t function without it,” wailed the benighted opinion-dealer*. “I love science and sciency stuff. I really do. I am totally awesomised by the wondrous wonder of it all. But every time I try to write about it, I come out with this half-arsed crap. I mean, look at what I wrote last week. Just look at it. Complete twaddle!”
When asked for comment, Lord Rees, the outgoing President of the Royal Society whose Reith Lectures were viciously and groundlessly attacked in Jenkins’ wayward article, said*, “He was very mean about my lectures. I thought they were quite good actually.”
Mark Walport, Director of the Wellcome Trust, announced that the Trust would be cancelling their investment in the planned UK Centre for Medical Research in order to re-direct funds to tackle the Government’s new scientific priority. “It may seem reckless,” he said*, “but Jenkins’ scientific half-arsedness is like a virulent cancer at the heart of our society. I know the problem may sound straightforward — all we need to do is to locate Jenkins’ left buttock — but it is technically very challenging. Though we suspect the half-arse to be quite big, we know from looking at his newspaper column that it became detached some time ago.”
Physicists speculate that Jenkins’ half arse may be source of anti-Dark Matter. Professor Stephen Hawking explained*, “In it’s absence the dark matter of the other buttock appears to overwhelm his grey matter, leaving the poor man incapable of rational thought.”
Ian Sample, Guardian science correspondent and author of Massive, a new book on particle physics, speculated* that the arse may also be location of a mysterious entity known as the Higgs bozo.
But Mark Henderson, science editor at the Times, sounded a note of caution*: “It may in fact be dangerous to re-unite the two buttocks because that could make Jenkins a complete arsehole.”
Police forces around the country will also be involved in the search for the missing buttock. When asked about Jenkins’ arse, a spokesman for the Metropolitan Police said*, ‘We are looking into it.’
*No he didn’t. (Libel Indemnity Clause: Please support ongoing efforts for reform of the Libel Laws of England and Wales)
Aggregate of #SpoofJenks blog posts can be found on Jenny’s blog here.