What I Read In August

UntitledEdward Gibbon: The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire (vol 2) (Folio Society Edition) I bought a handsome 8-volume set of Gibbon’s classic history cheaply on eBay. Attentive readers will note that I reviewed volume 1 last month, so I invite you to consult that quarter for the generalities. This volume gets stuck in to the fourth century and covers the reigns from Diocletian (ruled 284-305) to Julian (361-363). The focus, inevitably, is on Constantine (306-337), the first Emperor to espouse Christianity. The text breaks from narrative history (basically, just one damned thing after another) to analyse the early Church, and its tenacity given three centuries of persecution. However, persecution was leavened by long periods of tolerance, partly because the Romans really didn’t know what to make of this new-fangled creed. Roman religion was cheerfully polytheistic, and religious adherence was more a civic duty rather than a profound revelatory experience. Christianity, on the other hand, took the strict monotheism and hatred of idolatry of its  Mosaic antecedent, and added to that a promise of transcendent afterlife, the attainment of which demanded abstention from just about everything that made life worth living. The Roman view of Christianity was mostly one of  bemused bafflement. It was the refusal to make customary sacrifices to the Roman Gods — and the habit of Christians to meet together in secret to discuss who-knew-what — that led to the persecution. I admit that historiography has moved on since Gibbon’s time, but his more nuanced arguments about Christianity seemed fresh and new to someone who was taught that Diocletian persecuted Christians (BAD); Constantine espoused Christianity (GOOD), and Julian turned away from Christianity (BAD). Diocletian persecuted Christians — eventually, and after much provocation. Constantine embraced Christianity — eventually, and after much prevarication. But Diocletian’s long rule (for a Roman Emperor) instituted sweeping changes in government necessary for the management of a huge and sprawling Empire already in advanced decay, and which almost collapsed completely in the third century. To do this he divided the Empire in two — he ruled in the East, his capital at Nicomedia, not far from ancient Troy, while a co-Emperor was based at Milan, closer to the troublesome provinces of Illyria and the Danubian frontier. Rome itself was increasingly marginalised as a den of antiquity. But each emperor had an under-Emperor, making four, the so-called Tetrarchy. And, with frequent usurpations, as many as six. Constantine belied his nascent Christianity by murdering almost all his relatives. He made his new capital in the sleepy town of Byzantium, once a Greek colony, and built on Diocletian’s reforms by creating a vast bureaucracy that was too often prey to corruption and intrigue. The young Julian, exiled to the Academy of Athens, picked up his learning from ancient Greek tradition, so it was no surprise that when he emerged from seclusion to assume the Purple he had no interest in Christianity. He was also a capable general, countering massive invasions of Gaul by sundry barbarians, and tried to  thin out the top-heavy bureaucracy instituted by Diocletian. His military efforts, as Diocletian’s in the sphere of government, delayed the eventual collapse of the Western Empire. As Gibbon writes, what is remarkable is not that the Roman Empire collapsed, but that it stayed together for as long as it did, and is in part thanks to the work of Diocletian and Julian that it persisted. The standard view of Constantine’s conversion to Christianity was that he had a vision of the Cross just before his victory against co-emperor Maxentius at the Battle of the Milvian Bridge in 312. Gibbon assumes that everyone will know this story, which is why Betty Radice’s introductory notes were essential reading. Gibbon caused much consternation in his time for his sympathy towards polytheism and his often scathing denunciations of the foibles of the early church. To this modern reader innocent of the tides of historical thought, his relatively even-handed view made a refreshing change.
UntitledAlastair Reynolds: Century Rain By now you’ll both have gathered that I am rather fond of the SF of Alastair Reynolds, having reviewed a book set in his ‘Revelation Space’ Universe in June, and the final instalment of his Revenger trilogy last month. Century Rain is a stand-alone novel and perhaps all the better for it. When I started to read it, though, imagining I had never read it before, I had that peculiar sensation of deja lu – yes, I had read it before, but had forgotten all about it. I attribute this to my failing brain, however, because it’s a cracker. Verity Auger is 22nd-Century archaeologist gingerly picking over the remains of Paris in an Earth made uninhabitable by a nanotechnological holocaust. After an accident in which she is responsible for the death of a student, she is steamrollered into a mission to journey down a wormhole to the Paris of 1959 to recover papers by a secret agent, Susan White. But this is not the Paris of our 1959. In this version of Earth, the Second World War never happened, and the Paris of the 1950s has the technology of the 1930s. In this alt.hist. Paris, Susan White has been murdered, and her worried landlord and patron commissions washed-up jazz musician and private dick Wendell Floyd to investigate. So, apart from the  whizzy futuristic space adventure one expects from Reynolds, there is a significant noir element, almost to a degree of self-parody. An American in Paris, who is a jazz musician turned PD. With a name like Wendell Floyd. Who has a burly associate called Custine, and a vampish black-clad German chanteuse ex-girlfriend called Greta, who at any moment you expect to ask What The Boys In The Back Room Will Have. Naturally, romantic sparks fly between hot-headed Auger and world-weary Floyd, but you know it’ll never work. Near the end, you can just about hear Casablanca:

  ‘I want you to remember me. Whenever you walk these streets … know that I’ll also be walking them. It may not be the same Paris, but –‘

‘It’s still Paris.’

‘And we’ll always have it,’ Auger said.

The thing is, the noir styling suits what elsewhere in Reynolds’ fiction can grate — that is, the habit of the characters to talk to one another in pithy, sarcastic asides. Here is suits the text down to the ground. And all this in a package so sharp it might cut itself and with a plot twistier than a nest of vipers learning how to crochet. I loved it.

UntitledPaul Morland Tomorrow’s People While writing a recent book and musing on the possible extinction of humanity, I became interested in demography, and in so doing came across this book, which promises a look over the edge at the near future of humanity. Although packed with facts, it fails, ultimately, to deliver. It would be fair to say that Morland stands on the centre-right of politics, and has very little sympathy for doom-mongers that preach imminent catastrophe, whether from climate change or overpopulation. And with good reason — Marxist policies on feeding populations have always led to disaster (‘Marxism Today: Famine Tomorrow’); and, in any case, doomsayers make political capital from preaching bad news. As Morland shows, the world’s human population is ageing, and is set to top out and begin a decline perhaps towards the end of the present century. In many countries it is below the natural replacement rate. In recent centuries the world has undergone at least one,  and in many cases two, so-called demographic transitions. In the first, life expectancy at birth is increased but fertility remains high, so the population balloons. This is essentially what happened in Britain in the Industrial Revolution and led Thomas Malthus to predict widespread starvation. Paul Ehrlich was still doing this in 1968 in his book The Population Bomb when world population growth was at its peak (more on that later). But then came the second demographic transition, when people moved to cities and had fewer children. This is what is happening now in most countries. In some the population is contracting at a remarkable rate, and whole swathes of countryside have been abandoned in countries as varied and widespread as Bulgaria, Russia and Japan. City dwellers have less environmental impact than people in the country. And there’s another side benefit – older populations tend to be less warlike. On the whole, there are fewer conflicts in the world than there used to be. The big exception is sub-Saharan Africa. Africa — and especially West Africa — is in the throes of the first but not the second demographic transition. As Morland shows, the population of Africa is booming even as it is shrinking elsewhere. Tomorrow’s people are likely to be more African than Chinese or Indian. After noting that the population of Africa will be four billion in 2100, I was waiting in vain for the other shoe to drop. A burgeoning population is a young population, and bellicose. The increasing drought in the Sahel adds to the endemic corruption and poor governance that are ever exploited by revolution and war. The ravages of Islamist militancy in countries such as Mali make few headlines. The multi-nation war that rages, on and off, in the Congo Basin, even fewer. Europe is already feeling the pressure of northward migration as conflict and climate make life in parts of Africa increasingly intolerable. Eventually, Africa will settle down, and the population will start to decline. Most migration in Africa stays within that continent, and the movement is generally towards mega-cities such as Lagos, after which the second demographic transition will take place. But the road before that might be rocky. Morland really should have said so.

UntitledPaul Ehrlich: The Population Bomb This is a small book that took a long time to read. The reason is that it was so noisome. Not the actual content (though that had its moments) but the book itself. I bought my copy secondhand for more than twice the cost of my eight-volume, slipcased edition of The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire, and by the greasy feel — and the smell — it seems to have spent most of the time since it was printed (in 1970, but the book was first published in 1968) in the home of a chain smoker who lived in a damp cellar warmed sporadically by a paraffin lamp. So I could only stand reading a few pages at a time after which I had to wash my hands to get rid of the residue. Now, to the content. The Population Bomb is one of those polemics that I expect are more admired than read. It was written at a time when the rate of population growth was at its peak (more than 2 per cent annually). The spur seems to have been the author’s visit to India:

The streets seemed alive with people. People eating, people washing, people sleeping. People visiting, arguing, and screaming … People defecating and urinating. People clinging to buses. People herding animals. People, people, people, people.

The rest of the book is a plea to control human population by any humane means necessary. Some of the book’s messages — especially about pollution and the environment — were no doubt visionary for the time.  Some of the things he says, though, seem calculated to make enemies. At one point he seems to castigate American biomedical science for focusing on treatments to prolong lives rather than prevent new ones, what Ehrlich calls ‘death control’ as opposed to ‘birth control’:

The establishment of American biology consists primarily of death-controllers: those interested in intervening in population processes only by lowering death rates.

Although he does nod to the possibility of improved crops supporting larger populations (the ‘Green Revolution’ was in its infancy), he completely fails to understand anything other than the problem of a bulk increase in population. That, for example, populations can change; they can age; that people can decide to have fewer children; that people can be socially mobile. Even in India.  Despite a brave advocacy of abortion — the book was published five years before Roe v. Wade — he completely fails to discuss the revolution in female emancipation which over the past few decades has improved the lot of humanity without any of the occasionally draconian top-down suggestions proposed to control population. The world today has almost three times as many people as it did when Ehrlich wrote this book. And they are, on the whole, better fed, better educated and healthier than they were then. I am glad I read this book, if only as a historical document. Now I must go and wash my hands again.

Screenshot 2022-08-15 at 22.23.55Dan Simmons: Lovedeath Astute readers will note that the work of Dan Simmons appears frequently in these annals. Simmons exists at the literary end of the horror/SF spectrum, so much so that some of his work (such as Phases of Gravity) features neither SF nor horror. At his best, he fictionalises some real event and adds a very slight SF/horror twist. Perhaps the best known is The Terror, based on what might have happened to the Franklin expedition to search for the Northwest Passage after its disappearance (a novel recently adapted for televisual emission). My favourite is Drood, an account of the last days of Charles Dickens as recounted in a fictionalised account by Dickens’ very real but unreliable and laudanum-addled friend Wilkie Collins. Lovedeath, although literary in places, features a mite of SF and lashings of horror. It is a collection of five novellas, each in its own style, on the general theme of Love and Death (hence the overall title). The first is the memoir of a risk-averse insurance loss-adjuster; the second a squirm-inducing horror story set in Bangkok. Another, Flashback, is the mite of SF in the collection (Simmons expanded the theme at greater length in a novel of the same name). A fourth is a kind of myth quest set among the Lakota Sioux. Simmons saves the best until last with The Great Lover, a message-in-a-bottle type tale featuring the edited transcript of  a ‘lost’ diary written by fictional war poet James Edward Rooke during his time on the Somme in 1916. Scenes of gut-churning carnage are interspersed with Rooke’s highly charged vision of ‘The Lady’, who Rooke takes to be a metaphor for death. Or is she? I should add that this collection is not for the squeamish. The sex scenes are frequent and explicit, the violence even more so, but all saved, just about, by the quality of the writing. It is indeed rather strong meat, and perhaps should have been called Sex, Violence and Violent Sex.

Screenshot 2022-08-19 at 08.37.07Darrell Bricker and John Ibbitson: Empty Planet This is the third book on the future of the human population I have read this month, and I have to say it was every bit as disappointing as the other two: Paul Morland’s Tomorrow’s People and Paul Ehrlich’s The Population Bomb. Morland failed to deliver on the promise of his title, and Ehrlich was just plain wrong (perhaps not his fault). Bricker and Ibbitson are closer to Morland in that they predict wholesale population decline in the coming decades, as the Total Fertility Rate, or TFR – the average number of children any woman will have in her lifetime — dips below replacement rate (about 2.1) just about everywhere. The cause (which the authors tell us to a wearisome degree) is urbanisation, which goes hand in hand with increased education and female emancipation, which lead to conscious decisions to have fewer children. The authors suggest that the UN might have ulterior motives in suggesting that the global population will top out at just over 11.2 billion, claiming they know better, and that the total might be less, even as low as nine billion. They get their knowledge from talking to the occasional academic and their own focus groups of young people from all over the world, from Brussels to Nairobi, Delhi to Sao Paulo. Someone should have told them that the plural of ‘anecdote’ is not ‘data’. The book degenerates by slow degrees into a soggy mire of politically correct self-congratulation in which the authors praise Canada  as a beacon of multiculturalism (the authors are Canadian), but they don’t put their heads above the parapet and tell us very much about what the world will look like in the next century or two. Ehrlich went overboard on environmental degradation and the threat it poses to humanity. Morland barely touches on it, and neither do Bricker and Ibbitson. When will the planet be as empty as the title promises? In the end we are left in the dark. I have yet to read a decent book on the future of the human population. Perhaps I shall have to write it myself. Meanwhile, it’s back to the Roman Empire…

UntitledEdward Gibbon: The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire (vol. 3) (Folio Society edition). Now well into the Fourth Century, this volume deals with the pushback of paganism against Christianity under Julian ‘The Apostate’, to its final defeat under Theodosius the Great (379-395). The interval covered is quite short — less than forty years — but Gibbon treats with it at length, partly because he finds much to admire in the character of Julian. Although Julian reigned for just sixteen months (between 361 and 363), his life was full of incident and unusually well documented. Despite his fondness for the traditional rites of Rome, Julian was an excellent general, who kept the invading Franks and Alemanni at bay on the Rhine frontier. He overreached himself, however, in a disastrous campaign against the Persians during which he lost his life. Gibbon treats the travails of the early church with his usual amused detachment, especially the lingering controversy on the relationship between Christ and God. The Athanasians, who followed the ruling of the Council of Nicaea in 325 at which Constantine was present, held that Christ and God were of the same substance, but different (homoousion). The heretical Arians, on the other hand, held just as forcefully that Christ and God were of different substances, but the same (homoiousion). Like us, Gibbon marvels at how people were prepared to sacrifice their own lives for the sake of a single diphthong: as Gibbon says himself, ‘I cannot forbear reminding the reader that the difference is almost invisible to the nicest theological eye’. And that’s before we even start discussing the Holy Ghost. No wonder Julian found comfort in the arms of Jupiter and Apollo. Julian’s death led to a revival of Christianity, and Theodosius finally outlawed many of the practices of paganism, such as the sacrifice of live animals. Gibbon, being a Protestant of his times, says that the Church became corrupted by the worship of saints and relics — idolatry by the backdoor:

The religion of Constantine achieved, in less than a century, the final conquest of the Roman Empire: but the victors themselves were insensibly subdued by the arts of their vanquished rivals.

The main political event was the Battle of Hadrianople in 378, in which the Romans were utterly crushed by a force of Goths — it didn’t even need to go to penalties. The Emperor Valens died in the encounter. Although the Roman Empire wasn’t instantly dissolved as a result, the psychological effect was greater than the body count. Gibbon, however, cautions us against the outpourings of those who said that the ravages of the Goths left the country bare not only of people and crops but of birds, beasts and even fish:

Could it even be supposed that a large tract of country had been left without cultivation and without inhabitants, the consequences might not have been so fatal to the inferior productions of animated nature. The useful and feeble animals, which are nourished by the hand of man, might suffer and perish if they were deprived of his protection; but the beasts of the forest, his enemies or his victims, would multiply in the free and undisturbed possession of their solitary domain. The various tribes that people the air or the waters are still less connected with the fate of the human species; and it is highly probable that the fish of the Danube would have felt more terror and distress from the approach of a voracious pike than from the hostile inroad of a Gothic army.

Everything, then, in proportion — Gibbon’s salutary warning resonates with modern arguments which say (for example) that the interest we must assuredly have in extinction of species, or climate change, is not best served by emotively worded warnings of calamity, emergency or imminent disaster. Once again, Gibbon’s attitude seems so contemporary, that I was brought up short by how little this enlightened eighteenth-century writer knew of the natural world outside Europe. His discussion of the Huns suggests that his knowledge of  eastern Asia was sketchy; his ignorance of anything to do with sub-Saharan Africa, profound. This is shown in his illustration of a supposedly African ape, taken from Buffon’s Histoire naturelle, of an orang-utan (the spread pictured above), which is a native not of Africa, but of south-east Asia. Gibbon’s confusion is perhaps not surprising. Although orangs were known in the 17th century, chimpanzees only became known to European science in the 1770s – when Gibbon was writing his treatise. Gorillas were first formally described in the 19th century. As for the lineaments of Roman history, the bare bones of it, if not necessarily the interpretation, have presumably remained much the same since Gibbon’s time, and I’d contend that few have ever written about it with such style.

Screenshot 2022-08-24 at 09.02.03Miriam Margolyes: This Much Is True Miriam Margolyes is one of our best-known and most versatile character actors who might be said to have (as one character in Jurassic Park describes another) ‘a deplorable excess of personality’. Her overwhelming presence, which reminds me of some of my more formidable and ferocious mishpocha, crushes anything in its path. So much so that reading this memoir is rather like watching a road accident as it happens: transfixed in horrified fascination at the unfolding carnage, you can do nothing to stop it. I do hope for her sake that she had the text suitably picked over by her lawyers, as she says some very salty things about people who are still alive, and, possibly, litigious. It’s also scatological and even pornographic to a degree that I cannot help feel is somewhat affected. So if you allow younger readers, bewitched by the author’s association with the ‘Harry Potter’ universe (she played one of the teachers at Hogwarts in two of the films), to read this (and why shouldn’t you?) be prepared to answer some very awkward questions.

UntitledMary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows: The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society  There is a tradition of novels being cast as a collection of letters or journal entries, from 64 Charing Cross Road, via Les Liaisons Dangereuses to, well, Dracula. Mix in a story in which the main character dominates while not actually being present (Rebecca) and you’d have something altogether meatier than this entertaining if fairly predictable romance. It’s  about an author seeking inspiration who finds herself on Guernsey just after World War II, following in the footsteps of the absent character who created the titular society on a whim to get out of being questioned by the Nazi occupiers of the island. In my humble opinion, descriptions of Nazi atrocities in such flowery fare do no honour to the victims of such horrors. I have to say that this is not my usual reading — I was persuaded to read it by Offspring2, and after seeing a recent Magic Lantern adaptation. I am sorry to say that I’ve been rather spoiled by Gibbon. After The Decline and Fall Etcetera Etcetera everything else feels bland.

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What I Did In My Summer Holidays

You’ll have read in these annals that the Gees have acquired a camper van, specifically a 1995 Mazda Bongo. After tootling around in it locally, the time came for its first Sea Trial, as it were. So one Friday during ferocious heat we drove it across country, from Cromer, 319 miles westward to Carmarthenshire, for a long weekend. As well as giving the van a shakedown this allowed us to visit relatives we’d meant to visit in 2019 until you-know-what happened.

UntitledAlthough we arrived in a somewhat wilted state after eight hours on the road, as attested by the architecturally wayward state of the awning when I erected it (see picture) the Bongo scarcely broke a sweat during the journey.

On the first night Mrs Gee slept in the fold-out ‘rock’n’roll’ bed in the van, but I was keen to try the pop-up tent in the roof. This was OK, except whenever I turned over, the whole van shook. On the plus side it showed that the van has excellent suspension. For the remaining two nights I slept much more happily on the ground inside the awning.

UntitledWe never worked out how to use the inbuilt gas burner, which was OK as we much preferred to brew outside on a camping gaz stove. I also couldn’t work out how to get the water pump to work — the one that pumps water from the jerry can stowed in a rear compartment into the tap in the sink next to the (unused) gas burner. I discovered why — a plug had come loose. I fixed it… neglecting to check that the tap inside was off, and pointing into the sink. Neither was true, and we had a minor flood in which one of the internal lights got fritzed. Oh well.

We also learned that despite its somewhat wilted appearance, the awning did actually stay up when we disconnected it and drove the Bongo to the pub… and was still erect, if not exactly tumid, on our return. Result!

UntitledWe had a lovely break, during which we caught up with our relations and met some very friendly indigenes (see picture) but the time came to depart. By Monday the weather had broken somewhat, and keen to avoid the horrendous roadworks on the M5 motorway, we decided to try the scenic route, driving through mid-Wales until we popped out in the West Midlands in the general direction of Herefordshire. The charming and domesticated hills and valleys of Carmarthenshire slowly gave way to the altogether more wild and rugged terrain of Powys. The road between Llandovery and Builth Wells climbed up and up into the kind of  landscape one usually only sees in TV commercials for performance cars. It was only here that the 2.5-litre diesel engine of the Bongo met a challenge, but mainly because I was unused to the gear-changing characteristics of the automatic gearbox.

We arrived safely home to find that the Offspring had minded the shop with quiet efficiency. Only later did we realise that this was the first break Mrs Gee and I had enjoyed together since the last millennium. The only thing amiss with the Bongo is a certain intermittency of the electrics that winds the windows up and down, so it’s now back in the garage for a tweak. More adventures await.

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Van Extraordinaire

van

My new toy. Recently.

Here is my new toy. It is a Camper van. Specifically, it is a 1995 Japanese-import Mazda Bongo Friendee, bought from my friendly local motorhome and caravan dealer.

It happened like this.

Me and Mrs Gee were driving along in our car and I suddenly piped up with the idea that we should buy a camper van. Notwithstanding inasmuch as which we tried a pull-along caravan some years ago, and we had thought of buying a camper van in some vague subconscious way, Mrs Gee said that this was the most romantic thing I’d said for at least twenty years. A few days later, after getting throughly confused by online searches of makes and models and specifications, we just happened to be passing aforementioned local caravan and motorhome dealer and there it was, parked on the forecourt. So we went in and inquired. It came down to a choice between this and a similar Toyota, but we liked the inside conversion of this one more. The dealer was very friendly and helpful, and spent quite a bit of time (with no extra money from me) getting what is after all a rather old vehicle up to spec, installing a modern gas-canister cupboard, getting it M.O.T.’d and taxed and so on.

However, as someone who has never owned a camper van – or any kind of van – there is a steep learning curve to climb. For example, when I flipped the roof tent up (as in the picture) but couldn’t get it down again, the dealer explained over the phone about a lock switch I’d never noticed that had to be engaged, and all was well. Next week I am taking the van in to have a minor electrical loose connection fixed, and to have a lesson on how to use the gas burner.

Now, I hadn’t meant to write anything about this at all, but was prompted to do so by Stephen’s post on his confusion occasioned by the possible purchase of a unicycling giraffe electric bicycle. Acquiring some new piece of kit in a sphere of activity with which one has hitherto been unacquainted can cause some anxiety. It’s rather like being a new parent, when you are never sure if a child’s sniffle is just a sniffle or a symptom of something more serious. With my van, I have found that no amount of online searching and helpful YouTube videos (and some have been helpful) substitutes for in-person advice either from my dealer, or from friends who have camper vans and motor homes who are eager to offer friendly advice, and who are of course thrilled to have another member of their fraternity.

And so, adventures await. Adventures that we can now indulge in now the COVID pandemic is something that we are beginning to get used to. For example, in 2019 I was due to drive to Hay-on-Wye to participate in the How The Light Gets In festival. I had planned to take book-lover Offspring#2 so we could enjoy both the festival and the wealth of secondhand book-browsing offered by that remarkable Welsh border town. COVID put a stop to that, and the festival moved online. I participated by ZOOM (you can see an example of a talk I gave here, and a panel discussion here). But my short break with Offspring#2 had to be postponed. Until now! I have already booked a pitch on a campsite near Hay later in the year so my promise to Offspring#2 may be fulfilled. For although we are still very careful about COVID — we wear FFP2 masks in all crowded or indoor spaces — this van is our very own COVID-compliant glamping podule on wheels. Other trips, with Mrs Gee, and Offspring#1 are projected.

And there is something else, too — this part prompted by Athene’s musings on a return to meatspace. A part of my job (by day I am with the Submerged Log Company) involves traveling to universities and research institutes and hobnobbing with scientists. Over the past two years I have been ZOOMing in virtually, but having my own mobile glamping podule might allow me to make more in-person visits without the risks of staying in hotels and so on. The future looks bright.

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DIY, You Are Dead To Me

For reasons with which I shall not detain you, I have been trying to hang a door in the interstices of the Maison Des Girrafes. The door frame exists, so I needed to find a door to fit.  That’s when Mrs Gee and I went to our local Boutique de Bricolage to buy a cheap internal door – one of those lightweight ones made from pressed hardboard panels on a timber frame.

I have hung doors before. I have even made doors. I have fitted door furniture. Easy, and, moreover, Peasy.

The task fell to me to make the door fit the frame. I sawed a bit off the bottom. I sanded. I sanded some more. I brought the door from my workspace (in the garden) to the doorframe (upstairs, round several tricky corners). It didn’t fit. This went on for quite a few tries, stretching over several days. Or weeks. My obsession with this door started to build.

I bought a new electric sander (my old one having conked out long ago). I even bought an electric plane. More tricky trips up and down stairs, It still didn’t fit.

This weekend I decided that enough was enough. I planed and planed and sanded and sanded and planed and sanded with fierce determination in the hot sun. I wasn’t putting up with any more nonsense from this door. Oh joy! The door fit the frame — just.

That’s when I decided to rebate the butt hinges into the frame. Realising that I no longer had a chisel, I repaired straightway to above-mentioned Boutique de Bricolage to buy a new one, clean and sharp. Hinges fitted. No problem! Door fitted. Slightly more of a problem, as it’s hard to keep the door clear of the floor when screwing in the hinges. A few shims of scrap wood under the door, and the help of Offspring#1, and it was all done.

And, what do you know, the door swung freely on the hinges. Wonderful!

Except… Ninety-five per-cent shut, and I couldn’t open the door again. It had become snagged on our uneven flooring, something I hadn’t factored in. I was stuck upstairs. With the help of Mrs Gee passing me tools through the gap on the other side, I wrenched the door free.

As a result of all this palaver I suffered heat exhaustion, with the dehydration, headaches and nausea that goes with it. Two days later I am still slightly unwell.

As for the door, it now stands fully open with a notice attached that reads something like

DO NOT CLOSE THIS DOOR. The last time this door was closed was 30 February 1739. The Consequences of that Event are Too Dreadful to Relate.

It’s clear that I need to remove another centimetre or so from the bottom of the door. This will mean taking the door off the hinges, taking it downstairs and working on it again, presumably with many more futile trips too and fro. Whether there is a centimetre of internal frame left to remove is another matter – the door might be rendered useless in the process.

But that will be for another day. Or week, Or month.

For now, all I can say is this: I fought the door, and the door won.

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What I Read In July

UntitledSteve Brusatte: The Rise and Reign of the Mammals The ink hardly dry on his bestselling The Rise and Fall of the Dinosaurs (which I reviewed here) palaeontologist Steve Brusatte returns with what can only be the natural successor. It’s an odd thing, that compared with dinosaurs, fossil mammals seem strange and remote to us, when we are ourselves mammals, and mammals outshine dinosaurs in every way. Mammals evolved at around the same time as dinosaurs, and, after a slow start, diversified into forms both smaller than the smallest dinosaur and larger than the largest. Blue whales are mammals: the largest have a mass of 110 tons and can exceed 30 metres in length, making them the biggest animals that have ever lived, bigger than the whoppingest dinosaurs, and unlike dinosaurs they are alive now. ‘How glorious is it that we breathe the same air as a blue whale, swim in the same waters, and gaze at the same stars?’ says Brusatte. Whales rule the waves, which dinosaurs never did: bats, in contrast, have conquered the air, which dinosaurs only did when they became birds. And mammals have produced humans, the only animals which, as far as we know, are capable of reflecting on their own existence. And yet Brusatte has a mountain to climb, acquainting readers with a welter of unfamiliar extinct animals, the ancient cousins of mammals. It says something about the popularity of dinosaurs that one of these, Dimetrodon, is regularly grouped in the popular imagination with dinosaurs, a case of palaeo-cultural misappropriation if ever there was one. And there is rather a lot about teeth. Yet Brusatte’s enthusiasm surmounts these challenges, interspersing anatomy lessons with evocative you-were-there descriptions of life at various key stages in mammalian history — and a lot of anecdotes from the life of a field worker. My favourite was the tale of when, after an exhausting and mostly fruitless day prospecting in the backwoods of Poland, filthy and sunburned, Brusatte calls in on the veteran palaeontologist Zofia Kielan-Jaworowska — and is greeted by her ferocious Pomeranian, which fastens its efficiently mammalian teeth into his leg. I should say at this point that other books on the evolution of mammals are out there. Beasts Before Us by Elsa Pancirolli covers the same ground (according to the blurb – I have not read it). And Brusatte’s comprehensive notes don’t mention a wonderful recent book on Ice-Age mammals, Vanished Giants by Anthony J. Stuart. DISCLAIMER: This review is based on advance uncorrected proofs sent by the publisher.

UntitledAlastair Bonnett: Off The Map Here on the Norfolk coast I am always searching for new beaches to explore. Norfolk is a big county, and has lots of beaches, and there are still beaches which one can have more or less to oneself, even at the height of the summer. It had always occurred to me that there seemed to be no access to the beach on the fairly long stretch of coast between the villages of Overstrand and Mundesley, so I went looking for it — on Google Earth. Near Trimingham I saw, as if from space, a collection of cars parked neatly just next to a wide sandy beach. How had I missed this? Tracking back, I saw that it was accessible via a dirt road, so I set out in the car to find it at ground level. A turn-off from the main road led to the potholed dirt track, and I could immediately see why I’d have missed it before: the turn-off was headed with a large sign that said (now, I might be paraphrasing slightly)

TRESPASSERS WILL BE SHOT

with the subheading

SURVIVORS WILL BE SHOT AGAIN.

Naturally I decided to explore further, and at the end of the track found a car park maintained by the local council, and meant for public use, for all that the car park was free (a novelty), with easy access to a wide, sandy beach. Ever since then it’s been our favourite beach for walking the dogs. Although — it must be said — quite a lot of other people know about it (it is adjacent to a modest caravan site) part of the charm of this beach is that it’s in some way a secret, and belongs to us. This creates a camaraderie between the users of the beach, no matter how transient they may be, that is absent from beaches that are more generally accessible  and which have better facilities (no ice-cream van has, in my recollection, braved the potholes down to the beach, which is also sans beach huts, sans caff, sans shop, sans public loo, sans nearly everything).  By being slightly off the beaten track, it has become just that little bit special. No, I am not giving you the co-ordinates. That a sense of place has meaning to human beings is the theme of this charming book, which, in its collection of 47 cartographic oddities, is an appeal to the importance of topophilia – a love of place. Failure to recognise this leads to consequences that vary from the amusing to the tragic. Among the motley collection of locales is Leningrad, a kind of alter ego to St Petersburg; the two fractally intertwined villages of Baarle-Nassau and Baale-Hertog, one in Belgium and the other in the Netherlands, each no more than a doorpost away; and the multiple enclaves-within-enclaves of the Chitmahals between India and Bangladesh whose inhabitants suffered discrimination from both states (a situation resolved in 2015, after this book was first published). One is reminded of China Miéville’s urban fantasy The City and the City, in which two entirely different cities share the same space (indeed, the author mentions this book). There is the urban landscape of Bonnett’s native Newcastle known only to foxes; the lay-bys known only to doggers; and Sandy Island, a sandbar in the South Pacific known only to cartographers, but which doesn’t actually exist at all. Through it all is a sense of regret that our sense of place has been replaced by a preoccupation with the journey. Old Mecca, for example, has largely been demolished, consisting mainly of the Grand Mosque where pilgrims gather, and the hectares of parking lots and hotels required to accommodate them.  And there’s a parking lot at Los Angeles International Airport (LAX) that is a shanty village of campers that house the often transient airline staff, but with no power or running water. At the opposite extreme are the luxury cruise ships that have become a home from home for the super rich. Everywhere — but nowhere. A poignant read.

UntitledAlastair Reynolds: Bone Silence The astute reader will note that I reviewed a Reynolds last month. That one, Inhibitor Phase, from his Revelation Space universe. Bone Silence, though could hardly be more different. It is the final part of a trilogy (the first two are Revenger and Shadow Captain) and although it stands alone, it does so only just. I had read the first two and although I only had vague memories of them, I wonder if I’d have struggled without having done so. The scene is our Solar System but as you’ve never imagined it. Ten million years in the future, all the planets have been broken up into a ‘congregation’ of twenty thousand worldlets. This is a brilliant conceit, for it means that the spaceships that ply the worlds can be powered by solar sails, passage can take weeks or months, and Reynolds can make the destinations as exotic as you like. A kind of steampunk humanity bustles in the busy worlds along with a welter of exotic aliens. Piracy thrives, so the atmosphere is very much Pirates of the Caribbean in space. The entire economy is based on ‘quoins’, mysterious artefacts of alien manufacture not originally meant to be used as currency, that must be ‘mined’ from other small worldlets or ‘baubles’, often booby-trapped. Only the bravest crews get to go bauble-hopping. Another piece of background — we find this Universe during the ‘Thirteenth Occupation’ , the thirteenth time civilisation has risen from a previous dark age. Enter Adrana and Arafura Ness, two spoiled little rich girls from the worldlet of Mazarile, who in Revenger get a thirst for adventure and, trying to slake it, get more than they bargained for. In Shadow Captain they subdue Bosa Sennen, a formidable Pirate Queen, and Arafura especially takes on some of her personality. At the end of Shadow Captain the pair, through some mishap, trigger a change in the quoins such that they depreciate in value, precipitating an economic crisis. Bone Silence finds them having to take a mysterious alien to the remote and moderately lawless world of Trevenza Reach (a wonderfully piratical-sounding faux-Cornish name, for all that it’s more like 1930s New York) pursued all the while by a ruthless fleet of Revenue cutters. The space battles that ensue are terrific and the Pirates-Of-The-Caribbean parts of the book are hugely enjoyable. But as the action unwinds the preoccupations grow more and more existential, as the sisters wonder what quoins really are; why there have been thirteen occupations, and much else. The closing section turns from Pirates of the Caribbean to Rendezvous with Rama, and although the Clarkeian confrontation with vast, ancient artefacts is well handled, the contrast and change of pace seem jarring. Another fault is that after a long build-up the ending seems far too hurried, as if Reynolds were struggling with a deadline, or just wanted out. ‘I am, for the time being, done with the Ness sisters’, he admits in an afterword, though ‘[w]hether they are done with me remains to be seen’. In some ways I am not surprised, for his characters do like to talk. And talk. And talk. Perhaps Reynolds craved some of the silence the title promises.

UntitledFrank Close: Elusive I love maths. My problem is that my adoration is unrequited. It took two goes for me to get an A-level grade sufficiently adequate to permit me to attend university. Since when I have been on an endless quest for enlightenment that relies on science writers such as Simon Singh (Fermat’s Last Theorem), John Gribbin (In Search of Schrodinger’s Cat), Brian Clegg (The Quantum Age) and Ian Stewart (Calculating the Cosmos), to name but seven four three, the result of which is to increase my ardour though not necessarily my understanding, which is of course not the fault of any of these stellar writers, and I have to say this as some of them are my friends. It was John Gribbin who alerted me to the tome currently the focus of our attention, as he’d reviewed it in the Literary Review, the only periodical to which I subscribe (and my subscriptions in the past having been eclectic – from Interzone to The Spectator to Classic Rock, all now lapsed) and I was so enamoured that I decided to buy a copy. But I digress. Elusive is an account of the shy, retiring theoretical physicist Peter Higgs and his invention (I use the word advisedly) of the fundamental particle that, by a curious set of circumstances, one of which depended on an editorial mis-citation in the references of another paper, bears his name. It is by Frank Close, a physicist who knows the subject personally, as well as being conversant with all the technical details, so this is as close to the equine anterior orifice as one is likely to get (see Brian Clegg’s interview with Frank Close here). And it’s a gravitationally attractive read. Peter Higgs (born 1929) is, or was, just a regular working theoretical physicist who happened to have a remarkable insight. Building on work he knew about elsewhere — he had rubbed up against a smattering of other work from molecular biophysics to superconductivity, showing that it pays to read widely outside one’s field — he posited the existence of a quantum field which, through the agency of its associated particle, conferred on all other particles the property we know as mass. In a long professional life in which he published rarely, he formulated his idea and published it in a rush during the summer of 1964. Close reprints Higgs’ two main papers at the end of the book, and it is fair to say that they will be incomprehensible to those of us who never got around to Lagrangians and Fourier transforms and other whatnots of advanced mathematics and so leave us mere mortals gasping at the extreme cleverness of those who have. Close then takes up the story of the massive engineering marvel that is the Large Hadron Collider, whose work finally revealed that Higgs’ boson wasn’t just a mathematical trick, but a real thing — testament again to the wonderful fact that natural phenomena completely outside our range of experience can be expressed in mathematical terms, no matter how abstruse. (It’s amazing to think that the discovery was made ten years ago. I could have sworn it wasn’t as long ago as that, perhaps my impression has been distorted by relativistic time dilation). The particle was elusive as the man, who, a stranger to email and mobile telephony as giraffes are to unicycles, contrived to be out of town when the Nobel Committee announced he was a winner. I wonder if anyone has noticed that the cover photo shows Higgs not writing on the blackboard with chalk (the way that twentieth-century theoretical physicists used to get their exercise) but rubbing things out with an eraser. The confirmation that the Higgs boson exists was the capstone of an era, as it completed physicists’ collection of fundamental particles in what is known as the Standard Model. The problem is what physicists will do next. It took half a century of effort for experimental physicists to confirm the existence of the Higgs particle, and even then they had a good idea where to look. Now that it has been found, it raises many questions that remain unanswered, and may remain so, for to shed any light on, say, why the Higgs boson confers precisely the masses it does on particles (I mean, why is the muon 207 times the mass of its lighter sibling, the electron, and not some other value?) and whether the Higgs boson might have any bearing on other abiding mysteries, such as the nature of dark matter; the proposed Inflationary Era early in cosmic history; or the existence that defies all logic of the Republican Party, would require machinery of a power that would defy current engineering prowess, not to mention budgets, even if physicists could draw up a blueprint for a machine that had any target in view whatsoever. No wonder that theoretical physicists are now in the doldrums, at least according to Sabine Hossenfelder in her book Lost In Math (one of my hits from last year). With no experiments in view, or even possible, they resort to a kind of doodling in which to create equations that are aesthetically pleasing is seen as an end in itself.

UntitledJames White: Star Surgeon This is one I picked up secondhand after fond memories of reading James White’s work many, many years ago. It was very enjoyable, but really hasn’t aged well. James White was an SF author, originally from Northern Ireland, best known for his novels and stories set in a gigantic space hospital called Sector General, and starring a Doctor Conway – a human physician in a medical environment that includes a dazzling array of wonderful extraterrestrials, all living in a milieu that’s peaceful and cooperative. Conway’s special friend is a Dr Prilicla, a grasshopper-like creature from a low-gravity world constructed so delicately that it might be crushed by a pithily-worded comment — which is unfortunate as Dr Prilicla is strongly empathic. Star Surgeon, first published in 1963, is the second such adventure, after Hospital Station, but each can be read alone. In this story the hospital comes under attack from a vengeful power due to a series of misunderstandings, and the ever-resourceful Conway has to solve the various problems that come up. It’s a ripping yarn, but it is strange that in a setting in which the riotously diverse extraterrestrials are treated as human beings rather than as monsters,  the same enlightened attitude isn’t extended to the other members of the human contingent. All the humans are white (as far as one can tell), and all the important ones are male. The human doctors are all male — the human nurses all female, and are referred to as ‘girls’ who shouldn’t ‘worry their pretty little heads’ about anything consequential. To be sure, one could dismiss this as typical of the times. But darn it, it kept tripping me up and spoiled what might have been a stellar reading experience.

Screenshot 2022-07-14 at 21.11.25Robert Harris: The Second Sleep Imagine that you are the novelist Robert Harris, who, having lately returned to your home turf of historical fiction closely based on World War II (Munich) has your previous novel Conclave fresh in your mind (a novel I reviewed here). Christian iconography ripples through your subconscious. It’s then that you look at the back of your iPhone and what do you see? An apple with a bite taken out of it – as symbolic of Man’s First Disobedience as anything could be. Being Robert Harris, you plan your next novel, and the result is The Second Sleep. This is one of Harris’ rare excursions into SF. Whereas Fatherland was alt.history (set in 1960s Berlin in a world where Hitler had won), The Second Sleep takes place in a rustic, cleric-dominated England eight hundred years after an Apocalypse of unknown nature. The Apocalypse, it seems, took place when as a result of some unspecified problem, the world’s computer systems all crashed, taking the world’s financial systems with them. The ancients, you see, back in 2025, had long since traded the rustic solidity of stone and bullion for rusting steel, breakable glass, and money as evanescent as electrons. They were paid in electrons for doing jobs as vaporous as smoke – programmers, marketing executives, web designers. And what with the population of London reliant on just-in-time food supplies — dependent on those same electrons — and yet completely unable to fend for themselves, catastrophe is swift and savage. In our bucolic future England, though, pulled up by its bootstraps by the Church (country churches having been  among the few buildings that survive from age to age) and in which inquiry into the ancients is a sin, we find Christopher Fairfax, an impressionable young churchman sent to bury the vicar of a remote village who has died in suspicious circumstances. It seems that the vicar had had tastes towards the antiquarian, and the young Fairfax gets sucked in, with dreadful consequences. The Second Sleep therefore joins the shelves of the post-apocalypse novel, especially popular during the Cold War, examples being such titles as Earth Abides, and — the apotheosis of their zenith — A Canticle For Leibowitz. But where the peerless Fatherland, an alternative history, is firmly grounded in Harris’ deep knowledge of the Third Reich, The Second Sleep, while still a cracking read (which one expects from Harris as a bare minimum) is somehow rootless, lacking the mythic depth of Canticle and others of the genre. It also winds up far too quickly. Perhaps Harris felt a deadline looming. Not one of his best, I fear.

UntitledEdward Gibbon: The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire: Vol I, The Turn of the Tide. Edward Gibbon was born in 1737, the eldest child of seven. He was very sickly, but healthier than his other siblings, all of whom, along with his mother, had died before he was ten. Nurtured by an indulgent father, he went on to make history. Literally so, for Decline and Fall represents the model that all other histories were to follow.  This is Volume One of a handsome eight-volume Folio Society set I picked up cheaply on eBay. Gibbon originally published the work in six volumes, so my Volume One isn’t quite as extensive as his Volume One. (It also leaves out almost all his footnotes – which is understandable as there were more than 8,000 of them, apparently). Gibbon’s first volume was published in 1776, the year that the U. S. declared itself independent, and covered the Roman Empire from its height under Trajan (98-117CE) to Constantine; my Volume One only gets as far as the accession of Diocletian (284CE). Although a quarter of a millennium old, and probably less useful as history than it once was, it excels as literature, and is as worth reading today for enjoyment as, say, Bede’s Ecclesiastical History of the English People — which is, of course, very much older than that. Gibbon’s hero and main source, for the earlier parts, is Tacitus, though for much of the rest the sources are French. Gibbon was educated in Lausanne and imbibed the best that the French enlightenment had to offer, from Montesquieu to Voltaire. Gibbon actually preferred to write in French, and it is probably thanks to the advice of his friend Hume that Decline and Fall was written in English instead. And what glorious English it is – as elegant, as well-proportioned, as satisfying to look at, as a Georgian rectory. His prose is so lucent, in fact, that one critic (and I agree) said that one is likely to be carried away on its rolling cadences such that one has to go back to discover its sense. Everywhere Gibbon shows his gentle and humane irony, his understated humour, such as here:

Artaxerxes had served with great reputation in the armies of Artaban, the last king of the Parthians, and it appears that he was driven into exile and rebellion by royal ingratitude, the customary reward for superior merit. (p188)

and here:

The revolt of Saturninus was scarcely extinguished in the East before new troubles were excited in the West by the rebellion of Bonosus and Proculus in Gaul. The most distinguished merit of these two officers was their respective prowess, of the one in the combats of Bacchus, the other in those of Venus… (p297)

and here, describing the talents of the younger Gordian:

Twenty-two acknowledged concubines, and a library of sixty-two thousand volumes, attested to the variety of his inclinations, and from the productions which he left behind him, it appears that the former as well as the latter were designed for use rather than ostentation. [in a footnote he adds] By each of his concubines, the younger Gordian left three or four children. His literary productions were by no means contemptible. (p171)

The prose seems so fluid to the modern reader, his politics so contemporary (an old-fashioned Liberal, or Whig, he found beneficient despotism preferable to what he called ‘wild democracy’, what we would call ‘populism’), his religion so sceptical (he finds much to praise in the tolerant polytheism of the Romans, contrasting it with the intolerance of the Christianity which he sees as one of the causes of Rome’s downfall) — that one is brought up with a start by the general ignorance of the times in scientific knowledge. In a footnote on a passage on the litany of animals killed by Commodus in the arena:

Commodus killed a camelopardalis or giraffe, the tallest, most gentle, and the most useless of the large quadrupeds. This singular animal, a native only of the interior parts of Africa, has not been seen in Europe since the revival of letters, and though M. de Buffon (Histoire naturelle) has endeavoured to describe, he has not ventured to delineate, the giraffe. (p106)

From this one infers that Gibbon had never seen a giraffe – something that we take for granted. Although giraffes were present at the court of the Medicis in the 15th century (Gibbon seems ignorant of this), the arrival of a giraffe in France in 1827 — long after Gibbon’s time — caused a sensation. And in the 18th Century, nobody knew anything about climate change, or Ice Ages:

Some ingenious writers have suspected that Europe was much colder formerly than it is at present; the most ancient descriptions of the climate of Germany tend exceedingly to confirm their theory. (p202).

As to the reasons for the decline, they are various. Gibbon goes back to the foundation of the Empire under Augustus, in whose person combined the offices of tribune and consul – hitherto kept separate so the former could act as a check on the latter. Absolute power led all too often to tyranny. This did not sit well with the fact (mostly honoured in the breach) that the position of Emperor was still nominally a post conferred by the Senate — a solid hereditary foundation might have allowed for a measure of stability. As time went on, Emperors tended to be imposed on the Senate by a fractious and divided military. Here, on a rare instance of agreement between the Senate and the army:

… nor, indeed, was it possible that the armies and the provinces should long obey the luxurious and unwarlike nobles of Rome. On the slightest touch the unsupported fabric of their pride and power fell to the ground. The expiring senate displayed a sudden lustre, blazed for a moment, and was extinguished for ever (p288)

Those who found themselves Empurpled dreaded the inevitably gory death that awaited them an a year or two, but found themselves powerless to resist the mob:

If the dangerous favour of the army had imprudently declared them deserving of the purple, they were marked for sure destruction; and even prudence would counsel them to secure a short enjoyment of empire, and rather to try the fortune of war than to expect the hand of an executioner. (p.251)

Another reason for the decline was the decision by Caracalla (198-217) to make everyone in the Empire a Citizen of Rome. Although this sounds an estimable plan, the motives were governed more by the need to raise taxes than by an urge for equity. But if everyone’s a somebody, then no-one’s anybody, and any Thomasus, Dickus or Harrius could find themselves on the throne regardless of merit, and just as soon deposed. And before one thinks that Gibbon’s condemnation of Caracalla’s move was that of an elitist snob, our thoroughly modern Mary Beard decided to end SPQR, her history of the Roman Empire, at that point.

Reading Decline and Fall is like indulging in a particularly rich and delicious chocolate cake. A slice is nice. Two slices are nicer. But being force-fed the whole cake will make one sick. Therefore I shall leaven my reading of the subsequent seven volumes with literature of a quality that is, if not lesser, at least different.

UntitledThe Rev. Richard Coles: Murder Before Evensong Old-fashioned whodunits seem to be de rigeur among the celebrati, and hot on the heels of The Man Who Died Twice by Richard Osman, you know, the Man on the Telly (reviewed here), comes this from Britain’s best-known celebrity cleric. The first rule of writing is Write What You Know, so it’s no surprise that the protagonist, like the author, is a somewhat high-church and deeply learned vicar who keeps dachshunds. This (the churchy part, not necessarily the dachshunds) allows the author to tap into the rich tradition of clerical sleuthery from Father Brown to The Canon in Residence, notwithstanding inasmuch as which the Stephen Capel mysteries by my friend B. C. of Swindon, and, through that, into the well-worn tradition of traditional English whodunits. For this one has everything: the gossipy country village setting; the manor house; the relics of the class system; a large cast of stock characters from the shifty gamekeeper to the battleaxe who runs the Flower Guild; the flinty old spinsters who were in service at the Big House as young women, and so on. It also cleaves very much to the formula — a welter of seemingly unrelated events compost in the protagonist’s mind until he has that blinding flash of inspiration when everything comes together, swiftly followed by a dramatic denouement, and a coda in which several of the main characters get together to sum things up. It’s also a period piece, set in 1988, when home computers and mobile phones (the scourge of modern crime stories) were expensive novelties – but it also allows for people who were young in World War Two to be still alive and kicking. And, not to spoil things, but events that happened in that late unpleasantness bear strongly on the course of this story. It’s not as  much of a page-turner as Richard Osman’s whodunits, but what it lacks in zip it more than makes up for in richness, depth and darkness [now you’re sounding like an advert for coffee — Ed]. DISCLAIMER: Although I have had the pleasure of the acquaintance of the author on several occasions, I bought my own copy.

UntitledRay Bradbury: Fahrenheit 451 I found this lovely 50th-anniversary hardback on the shelves of Offspring#1. (The link takes you to a different edition). Neither of us could remember how it got there. Offspring#1 suggests I bought it for them many years ago. I’m amazed I’d never read the book before, though I have very, vague memories of a movie version starring Julie Christie. Now, that takes me back. Written in 1953, it’s a dystopian near-future USA in which books are banned, and the job of firemen such as the protagonist Guy Montag is to find any books that are found and to burn them. The population is kept happy with a constant onslaught of  stimulation so loud, colourful and immersive that it leaves them too exhausted to think. Most people (here represented by Montag’s wife Millie) have music piped into their ears constantly by ‘thimbles’ and spend their time watching TV shows, more real to the viewers than real life, in which people talk a lot but never actually say anything. Young people get their thrills by joyriding, killing passers-by and one another for sport. Books are banned not necessarily because they are physical objects but for the ideas they contain. Because they are likely to contain actual opinions, they stir up discord and discontent that might be offensive to somebody – so they must be removed. All modern life is there — reality TV, social media, earbuds, instant gratification,  cancel culture, endemic casual violence. The blurb calls it ‘terrifyingly prophetic’. Anyway, when Montag is lured by the magic of books, his life unravels, and, hey, I’m telling you the plot. Don’t read this blog! Read the actual book! And did I say the writing is absolutely beautiful? Lyrical, almost musical, but perfectly balanced with the genre pacing and plot. No wonder it’s one of the classics of science fiction.

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High Noon, And I’d Sell My Soul For Water

July, 1998, and I am in the field near Lake Turkana in Kenya. The rains have been kind — but not so kind that the various rivers that drain into the lake aren’t dry, sandy highways. The lake water itself is not drinkable. Not that you’d get bilharzia — it’s too alkaline — but because, well, it’s too alkaline. And all sorts of things have peed in it. The rare surface puddles are likewise best avoided. But there is water. Drinkable, and lots of it. You just have to dig for it.

Topernawi_Photo_2022-07-24_112135

Digging for Water, Kenya, 1998

Gabriel Ekalele and I, on water-digging detail, went to the middle of the dry river Topernawi and got to work. A meter or so down the water runs swift and clear — perfectly drinkable, after having been filtered by the sand above. We take turns to climb down into the hole, fill a bucket, and, passing it upwards, the colleague at ground level up-ends the bucket into a large plastic water barrel.

Later, other members of the team will hoist this into a Land Rover and bring it back to camp. The water is decanted into canvas water bags and slung on tree branches. Slow evaporation of the water as it leaks slowly through the water skin keeps it cool. We never lack for fresh water, then, even here.

But it’s a lot of work.

July, 2022, chez Gee. I’m up early with the pets. In the kitchen, I turn on the tap to fill a kettle to make some tea. I notice that the usual rush of cold water has slowed to a trickle. I check various pipes, taps, valves and so on to establish that all is well at home.

It was. Phew.

That’s when I phoned Anglian Water, just in case there was a fault somewhere. The friendly fellow on the line checked my details and said ‘Oh my goodness. Two leaks near you. One… well … is bad. The other is RUN TO THE HILLS!’ I reminded him that Norfolk is generally very flat, though it so happens I live in one of the few lumpy bits.

Later, when walking the dogs, I found the leaks, in the main road to which my street is a quiet appendage. Water was gushing from cracks in the gutter at the side of the road, mere yards from the front door of a friend, who’d done her civic duty by phoning the local bus company to advise them to change their route. Everyone was out, chatting, and a nice young man from Anglian Water was out checking the damage. Funny how a minor local mishap brings out the blitz spirit in everyone. My, we almost had a street party there and then. Everyone had buckets and watering cans to collect the bounty, and the dogs had a paddle. But it was such a shame to see all that pure clean fresh water running down the street and gurgling into the storm drains.

Later on, we found very quickly how much we depend on that supply of water: how much we take it for granted. Suddenly we couldn’t wash, or shower, or do the dishes, or flush the loo. I had to fill watering cans from one of my many ponds for that last purpose. For drinking I had to go out and buy bottled water, though what with the recent spell of hot weather, there wasn’t much to be had (‘there’s always gin’, I thought). By the time we’d found some (bottled water, not gin), Anglian Water had plugged the leak, left a lovely courtesy call to tell me so, and all was well again.

This small episode made me think of how lucky we are to have a ready supply of fresh, clean water, whenever we want it, and how easily we are inconvenienced by its sudden deficiency. Billions of people in other countries are not so fortunate. Climate change is making it even harder to get clean water on tap. So by way of expiation I made a small donation to WaterAid.

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UntitledYou have been very patient. Thank you – yes, both of you. And you there, at the back, yes you, no, sorry, I didn’t see you come in.

It’s been more than a week now since I finished transitioning from one variety of bongo juice to another. (For earlier instalments, see here and here). Long enough for me to submit what I hope will be this final report.

I am now on 20mg vortioxetine per day, which is the final dose (for now). The transition from venlafaxine to vortioxetine took eight weeks, and, to be honest, really should have taken longer. But it’s done now and I cannot say I’ll be posting anything positive about the experience on trip advisor.

Now, though, I feel I can look up and view the world with some sort of equanimity. My dream life has calmed down a lot. My mood feels much stabler. However, I seem to have lost a certain something. I haven’t done anything remotely musical for a couple of weeks now. This could be because my musical partner in crime has been on vacation, and busy earning a living as a professional musician — but that hasn’t stopped me coming up with ideas before.

So now I am ready to face the world. A little more grimly. And definitely a lot older than the passage of eight weeks would imply. Maybe it’s time dilation.

That’s something nobody tells you about mental illness – it ages you. As one of our gallant band has documented in these annals, there is a lot of it about.  That bloke next to you on the bus may look tough and ruthless, but inside he’s rough and toothless. And still we soldier on, veterans of the psychic wars.

Not because we can, but because we must.

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Galaxies in a Grain of Sand

UntitledTake a grain of sand and hold it up at the sky at arm’s length. That grain of sand covers a patch of sky equivalent to that captured by the spectacular new image from the NASA James Webb Space Telescope (JWST), the six-metre-diameter eye in the sky now settling in to its spot somewhere in deep space. The grain-of-sand image, attributed to NASA Administrator Bill Nelson, is the item which, for me, stood out amid the splurge of coverage.  For a start, it cannot help but evoke the poem Auguries of Innocence, by William Blake, which starts:

To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour

… which is both apposite and ironic. Apposite, because the image is calculated to inspire a childlike wonder and awe at the Universe in which we live; ironic, given the arguably anti-scientific message of the poem. It has been through the efforts of thousands of scientists and engineers over decades that the wonder and awe has been made possible. I have liberated borrowed the image here, to show what a grain-of-sand-at-arm’s-length covers.
main_image_deep_field_smacs0723-5mbThe bright pointy thing is a foreground star. Everything else is a distant galaxy, each one on its own an island universe comprising billions of stars. Some of the galaxies are in a cluster called SMACS 0723 which, because it is so far away, and light travels at a fast but finite speed, is as it was 4.6 billion years ago — about the same time that our Solar System formed. But wait, there’s more. The reddish arcs clustered round the centre are galaxies that are even more distant, their images magnified and distorted by the gravitational field of SMAC 0723 in front of it, a phenomenon called gravitational lensing. These galaxies may be as old as 13 billion years – almost as old as the Universe itself.

Now, you might think that this particular grain of sand covers something special – but it does not. It is a tiny patch in a southern constellation called Volans. Even to its friends, this is an especially boring patch of the night sky. None of its stars is brighter than third magnitude, and the deep-sky objects in its borders are too faint for all but the most ardent telescopists to observe. The implication is clear — you could choose any tiny patch of night sky — any at all — and find within each a richness of galaxies, to any depth you please, each one home to billions of stars, and, presumably, billions of planets, and — who knows? — billions of entities holding up grains of sand in manipulatory tentacles and gasping at the scale of the Universe and their insignificance within it. But, hey, billions trillions schmillions. Powers of ten are of such magnitude that they tend to stupefy rather than edify. It’s that grain-of-sand image that sparks that visceral sense of wonder.

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What I Read In June

Screenshot 2022-06-15 at 00.29.23James Joyce: Ulysses Many years ago when the world was young Mrs Gee asked me what I’d like for my birthday. Uncharacteristically (I usually like a book, and maybe a box of Liquorice Allsorts) I asked for a night out at the theatre. A production of Samuel Beckett‘s play Waiting for Godot was  coming to the Theatre Royal in Norwich, starring Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen, touring before it got to the West End. Not only would we get one up on our sophisticated London friends, who imagine that they and they only are so far up the zenith of their own apotheoses that the sun don’t shine and that Norfolk is the proverbial arse end of nowhere, but we’d see Gandalf and Jean-Luc Picard slug it out on stage before they did. Waiting for Godot is a famously ‘difficult’ play — but, you know what? — this was one of the best and most entertaining nights out we’d ever had. This could be a sad reflection on our social lives, but I rather think it had more to do with the quality of the production. Most productions over-think the play, pandering to its supposed modernist obscurity. This production, though, adhered closely to Beckett’s very precise stage directions. And also, according to the producer, that if one is going to have a play which (apart from one short scene) is a two-hander featuring two old geezers who have known each other all their lives, there is no better way to cast it than with, well, two old geezers who’ve known each other all their lives. The unselfconscious result was pure entertainment. The same goes for Ulysses, which, like Waiting For Godot, is a work viewed as so notoriously difficult that it tends to be more admired than read. So, taking advantage of my currently altered state of consciousness, I dived in. The premise of Ulysses is simple. It follows a small group of characters through their lives in Dublin, Ireland, during the course of a single day, specifically, 16 June 1904. On the way it challenges, reflects, refracts, subverts, transmogrifies, distorts, compresses, explodes, eviscerates, reassembles, thesaurizes and recycles everything we think we know and understand about how human thought gets processed into language, or words on a page. Like many specimens of Anglo-Irish literature through the ages (by that I mean literature in English by writers who self-identify as Irish), all the way from Jonathan Swift and, as it happens, Thomas Beckett, to Spike Milligan and Roddy Doyle, Ulysses is marked by a strong sense of the absurd. Now, this doesn’t mean that there don’t exist writers from places other than Ireland who are absurdist, nor that there might be writers from Ireland who write in a more conventional style. But — and this isn’t just because the action takes place in Dublin — one does tend to find reading this easier if one’s internal voice takes on an Irish accent, and rather than trying to think too much about what’s going on, simply go with the flow. And it is, in general, a modernist work, which seems odd for a book that was published almost exactly 100 years ago, but if you’ve read the poems of T. S. Eliot, such as The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock, you’ll know what to expect. The erudition (especially long quotations in Italian); the rich allusion; sometimes disconcerting contrasts between the internal worlds of the characters and their everyday circumstances; and above all the long, seemingly meaningless and certainly incomprehensible diversions. In the room the women come and go, talking of Michelangelo. What the Actual? Which room? Which women? And what’s with this Michelangelo business? And I thought this bus went to the station? Don’t sweat it, just enjoy the sounds of the words as they roll past: Ulysses is not so much a novel as a prose poem. What Joyce tries to do in Ulysses, apart from simply do things for — oh, heck, I’ll say it — the craic, is chart the interior monologues of characters as they happen. That is, quite literally, a stream of consciousness. So when the main protagonist, one Leopold Bloom, decides to go to a friend’s funeral, we don’t see him — as an omniscient narrator would, directing Bloom as a puppet — putting on his black suit and hat and going to the funeral, making small talk with his fellow mourners as they share the cab ride to the cemetery. Yes, we get that, but at the same time we witness every thought that passes across Bloom’s mind, whether everyday anxieties (he has a business appointment, and he needs to find time to do some shopping) or bubbling up from his subconscious, such as his sexual fantasies, and the state of his bowels, and all in the order in which they would happen — uncurated, unedited, unexpurgated and in real time — with no sense of propriety or logical order. This is no more than honest reportage of how people think, but our mind’s editor is as self-deluding as it is fierce, so what reaches the outside world is usually the cleaned up version — even more so for characters in fiction.  But if this is really how people think, it’s a wonder we can make any sense of our lives at all. As far as I know, no writer has worked harder to craft a work in such detail (Ulysses has a particularly knotty textual history and arguments persist to this day about the most authentic version) and yet at the same time remove himself from the process of his own creation. It is a remarkable book. Perhaps the most remarkable I have ever read. Will I read it again? Not on your Molly Bloom. But did I enjoy it? O yes, very yes I did yes yes YES!!

Screenshot 2022-06-16 at 20.43.08Deborah Moggach: The Black Dress Every so often Mrs Gee looks at the pile of reading matter by my bedside, clucks ‘Oh, Your Poor Brain’, and passes me something possibly more restorative. This one was a rebound read after Ulysses. Deborah Moggach is one of Britain’s better writers in the Middle-Class Aga-Saga genre, in which she concentrates on relationships, particularly among older people, as well as being an accomplished adapter of the works of others for the screen. The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel is her own adaptation of one of her own novels. The Black Dress is her Lockdown Novel, and starts off very conventionally. Pru, pushing seventy but still very fit and with it, appears to Have It All. There’s the comfy life in a five-bedroom house in Muswell Hill and a doting husband Greg who is a retired academic and expert cook (O! Ottolenghi!) There are the troops of friends in the Lazy, Liberal Guardian-reading mode,  all very much in favour of the working classes as long as they don’t let them shop at Waitrose, and for whom places outside London only exist as locations for a dacha. And last and very much not least a zany Best Friend with whom to have wild adventures provided there is the well-feathered nest to which she can return. Except it all unravels when Greg unexpectedly leaves to ‘find himself’, after which Pru’s life takes a series of alarming handbrake turns and scree slides. I shan’t say more for fear of spoiling it, except that ‘finding oneself ‘ is the theme of this occasionally comic and sometimes very dark romp. Nobody in the book — except perhaps for Pru’s curtain-twitching neighbour Pam (very much a Daily Mail reader) — is what they seem, and it turns out that Pru herself is an unreliable narrator. Although I promised no spoilers, there are a couple of places where shock revelations land like munitions dropped from orbit, rather as they do in Gillian Flynn’s Gone Girl. I dislike such blatant authorial manipulation and find it dishonest. Another thing is that everyone is at it like rabbits (ethically sourced and organically farmed, naturally). Perhaps it’s something to do with living in Muswell Hill. Or reading the Guardian.

Screenshot 2022-06-23 at 17.26.10Alastair Reynolds: Inhibitor Phase Oh the joy when during a very recent excursion, suitably masked and in a Class 4 Hazmat suit, I ventured forth, or, arguably, fifth, and found myself in Waterstones in Norwich where I encountered an Alastair Reynolds novel the existence of which had yet to penetrate the Gee armamentarium. Reynolds is a leading exponent of the moderately recent upsurge of space opera, in which that scruffy pulp genre (basically, westerns in space) got an injection of brains and literary sensibility, and all in a very British mode. Perhaps the leading light was the late and very much lamented Iain M. Banks, with his stylish, sassy and riotously colourful novels set in the Galaxy-spanning civilisation called the Culture: though one could legitimately mention in the same breath the cerebral Justina Robson, the techno-marxist Ken MacLeod, the grisly Neil Asher , the sesquipedalian Peter F Hamilton and the exuberant Charles Stross. To name but six five. Reynolds, in my opinion, is right up there at the top of the tree, though his Revelation Space fictional universe is very much darker and gothic than Banks’ Culture, for all that it has more realistic constraints. Faster-than-Light travel doesn’t happen in Reynolds’ Universe, and all the action takes place in that small region of the Galaxy a few light years away from Earth. Reynolds is very fond, for example, of Epsilon Eridani, one of the Sun’s closest neighbours in space, where he has set the fictional planet Yellowstone, scene of much of the action in the Revelation Space stories. This limitation enhances rather than limits the action, and we see all the likely consequences of human societies diverging in ethos and biology as a result of time dilation and exposure to space. Not that Reynolds lacks humour – there are quite a few pop-culture references that won’t escape People of a Certain Age (the Glitter Band, the Spiders from Mars) – although the dialogue tends to subside into long series of sarcastic asides. At some point in the Revelation Space sequence, humans have unwittingly woken a contagion of artificially intelligent entities, the Inhibitors or ‘Wolves’, whose purpose is to extinguish any sign of intelligent life they come across, though I should say at this point that Offspring#1 tells me that there is no intelligent life on Earth as he is only here until the Lizard People return and claim him for their own. But I digress. Inhibitor Phase opens when humanity has been all but defeated by the Inhibitors. Ageing spaceman Miguel de Ruyter has managed to keep the light on for a small remnant living a rather straitened existence inside a hollowed-out asteroid in an out-of-the-way location. When a spaceship ventures too close to home, De Ruyter takes it upon himself to intercept and destroy the craft before it draws the attention of the ever-vigilant Inhibitors. The crew of the craft, however, has other plans. De Ruyter is abducted and forced to take part in a seemingly hopeless quest to find a way to stop the seemingly relentless course of the Inhibitors. For De Ruyter is not the man he appears to be, and the quest peels off layers and layers of past lives and past crimes for which he has yet to atone. Although Inhibitor Phase does draw extensively on earlier stories in the Revelation Space canon, it works perfectly well as a stand-alone novel, if one allows oneself to regard the frequent references to earlier episodes as background that enriches the current story. And, yes, it’s definitely a story, full of all the action, adventure, alien intelligence, futuristic technology and apocalyptically-powerful-super-weapons-created-by-long-vanished-civilisations that one has come to expect in the very shiniest space operas.

Screenshot 2022-06-24 at 07.16.10Bill McGuire: Hothouse Earth, an Inhabitant’s Guide This is a short, sharp, shock of a book. It is the most concise and authoritative summary of the current state of the world’s climate of which I am aware. As to short, it’ll fit in a pocket, and I read it in one sitting. It’s also up-to-date, having been written in what seems like a furious frenzy just after COP-26, the latest United Nations convention on climate change. As for its sharpness, it doesn’t waste time laying out the threats faced by all of us imposed by climate change created by human actions. And the shock? These threats are imminent, and they are dire: the book will be a salutary reminder and rallying call for even most informed climate-change watcher. Within the next few decades, there will be times when large parts of the Earth will be uninhabitable to humans and the crops on which humans depend. The heat is destabilising weather, leading to unseasonable heatwaves in the Arctic and blizzards in Texas.  It’ll be hot, but it’ll also be dry. Drought also afflicts much of the world, not least those parts that are politically unstable and from which millions of migrants are on the move. Rivers and reservoirs are drying, leaving hydroelectric power dams high and dry. Wildfires are everywhere. Amid the drought, it’ll be wet. Not English fine-drizzle wet, but suddenly, Biblically wet, inundations that’ll cause overwhelming floods. The short and sharp end of the shock is that all these things are happening now, and are getting worse as you watch. The Earth is no stranger to climate change (McGuire sets this out too) but the difference between then and now is that anthropogenic climate change has been so sudden, and although people have been aware of it — and have been doing things to mitigate it — much more needs to be done. The book deserves to be read by everybody, and not just climate activists. It’s a shame, then, that he preaches solely to the choir and seems to show contempt for the very people this book needs to reach.

Raising the alarm, in our current circumstances, is a good thing. It fits with  … the idea that we need to really know our enemy — in this case global heating – and how well it is armed, if we want to defeat it. My view is that, currently, most members of the public, and indeed most world leaders, simply do not. [p. 160]

He continues, evoking shades of Marie Antoinette:

The fact that the word ‘cake’ was mentioned ten times more than ‘climate change’ on UK television in 2020 says it all about how true appreciation of the nature and scale of the climate emergency has yet to break through. [pp160-161].

Advocating direct action, public transport, walking and cycling is all very well for a middle class Guardian reader, but is less likely to impress the small-town mother of three who has to do a weekly shop, and three different school runs, before her 13-hour shift as a nurse, or her tradesman partner, for whom the price of an electric vehicle is way out of reach; and for whom privileged people who have the leisure to disrupt fuel supply and transport are at best irrelevant and at worst a threat to their livelihoods and those on whose presence they depend. Yet these are the people — ordinary, regular people, not the metropolitan elite — who need to be convinced. To call for boycotts of and disinvestment in fossil fuel companies sounds nice but is naive, and doesn’t take into account the policies of those companies which, if they are wise, will plough their profits into renewable energy schemes. Rather than boycotts, one could argue that the sensible strategy would be to invest more, not less, and so have a restraining voice at shareholder meetings. And to rail against free-market capitalism is to castigate the very system that has enabled this author to acquire the expertise necessary to write this book and the freedom to to express his views.  It is flawed, to be sure, but takes no account of the alternatives. The planned, collectivist economies of Russia and China caused famine and hardship on an industrial scale, and they did it all on their own — climate change was neither here nor there. DISCLAIMER: This review is based on uncorrected proofs sent to me by the author.

UntitledJohn Wyndham: The Midwich Cuckoos A recent televisual adaptation of this mouldy old slice of mid-1950s cheese by the same author of The Day of the Triffids and other bagatelles was enough for me to drag it off the shelves for a re-read. As I was doing so, the US Supreme Court severely curtailed access to abortion for many women in the United States, days after increasing access to firearms despite hesitant moves in Congress to propose gun-control measures — and this in a country where children going to school run the risk of being shot to death. All of which added overtones to what is essentially a tale of alien invasion by stealth. Midwich is the quintessential English village. Somewhere vaguely in the leafy Home Counties and yet some way off the beaten track, it’s the kind of sleepy place where nothing ever happens. (Having said that, there’s a village near me called Little Snoring, but that has its own airfield — Midwich doesn’t even have that). Connected by thin arteries of country lanes to three other villages, it’s very much cut off. Even by the standards of the 1950s it is a deliberate caricature. It has the pub, the church, the Manor House, the village green, the class system in which a few tweedy toffs expect deference from an assorted cast of rude mechanicals — and get it. Conventional religion in the form of the milk-and-water vicar is a thin veneer over country superstition and tradition. Against this background, the events that befall Midwich seem all the more startling. After a September day in which all the people in Midwich fall asleep,  it is found that all the women of childbearing age in the village, irrespective of whether they are married, are pregnant. This is the cause of much shock, shame and soul-searching. Remember that this was an unenlightened age, barely touched by TV, let alone the internet. Most people lived their entire lives a few miles from where they were born. The church was still an important part of the life of any country village. Having children out of wedlock was seen as a sin. Even in the UK, abortion was still not yet legal. When the children of Midwich are born, they all look identical, and different from their parents. The children are slender and blond (memories of Hitler’s Aryan Master Race were still raw). The women of the village feel that they have been used, their maternal instincts exploited, cruelly subverted — even violated — by a power no-one understands. Their menfolk keep their simmering rage stopped up beneath a thin layer of English  respectability. (An aside – it’s no wonder that Brian Aldiss and David Wingrove, in Trillion Year Spree, their critical history of SF, coined the term ‘cosy catastrophe’ for Wyndham’s fiction, as well as pointing out a preoccupation in English SF with ‘submerged nations’). In this way, The Midwich Cuckoos has a distinct sense of time and place, very much exploited in the 1960 movie version Village of the Damned, all B-feature horror and accents you could use to etch glass — but lacking in the 21st-Century TV version, which is conventionally multicultural;  the children ethnically diverse; the class divides muted; in which women have (one hopes) some governance over their own bodies;  and birth outside marriage is no longer anything to be wondered at. For these reasons, the modern version lacks the claustrophobia of the original, so much so that one wonders why they bothered to make it at all. Except… that the children grow up to dominate every aspect of life in the village, and possibly beyond. An existential threat, they have to be eliminated (something that peaceable Middle England dreads to contemplate), and this can only happen if an adult who has gained their trust goes down with the ship. In 1957, the adult was the patrician Gordon Zellaby, successful author and popular philosopher, and resident in the manor house, whose long discussions are plainly far too allusive for most people to understand (one can imagine him on the Brains Trust). In 2022, Zellaby has become a child psychologist, played by Keeley Hawes, equally imprisoned by her own gobbledegook. But I digress. The sanctity of motherhood; the invasion without consent of that most intimate of spaces — the womb — by outside forces; the enslavement of the progenitors by the products and their eventual violent destruction; all made me think that modern Middle America, not Middle England, might be a more apposite background for a remake. The monoculture, the superstition and the religion are all in place, with the sense of Right and Wrong and the entitlement of a few to determine the reproductive and social rights of the many. In such a remake, one might imagine the Supreme Court doing something unlikely and almost science-fictional — oh, I don’t know, let’s say banning abortion (yes, I know, I know, ridiculous in this day and age, but this is fiction, so hear me out), but at the same time making it easier for adults to carry weapons so that the resulting Offspring might more easily be used as target practice. Cue much heart-rending discussion about the gunning down of innocent children. But hey, says the Judge, if the children were unwanted anyway, why should anyone complain? Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition.

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Water feature

Screenshot 2022-06-16 at 07.41.29 Pictured on the patio at the Maison Des Girrafes last night (behind the cats) are these reclaimed galvanised water tanks now repurposed as ponds. I got the idea to use large containers as ponds after watching Gardeners World and it’s become my latest obsession. We already have a small pond (scene of much hot frog-on-frog action each year) and I have other containers such as reconfigured plastic water barrels here and there. But there is something about these tanks I find very soothing, and I like the contrast between the big, square, riveted and industrial tanks and the shape and colour of the vegetation. It also adds variety to the garden’s diversity, as the frogs that populate our small ground-level pond won’t be able to get into these, so maybe I shall have other things such as dragonflies. If you build it, they will come – I saw two bright blue damselflies in the garden yesterday, haven’t seen these for years.

Many years ago when the world was young and I was starting an allotment and needed a water tank on-site people could hardly give these tanks away. They used to store water in peoples’ lofts but were gradually replaced by lighter (and less leaky) plastic ones. Back then I got mine for free. All I had to do was get up into the donor’s loft and remove it (I had to bring a friend). But we’ve passed a lot of water since then and these tanks are now heritage items. The tank on the left came from Etsy and cost around £120 with delivery. The tank on the right came from a brilliant place called Norfolk Reclaim and cost £80. If you search around online you’ll see that these are fairly good value. But neither was watertight, so I had to spend more on sealants, none of which really worked, so in the end bought heavy-duty plastic pod liner which cost around £45 all together. Then there are the plants. The sedge in the tank on the left, and the irises on the right, I got for free, but I do like buying water lilies and these can be pricey. I’d like to add another one — a tank, that is — to the left of these two and slightly lower down. But I think I’ll need to save up. To think, Lancelot ‘Capability’ Brown spent fortunes landscaping deer parks with faux-Greek temples and ha-ha’s and having people dig enormous lakes, back in the day. But he got someone else to pay for it. The ambitions of Henry ‘Incapacity’ Gee must perforce be more limited.

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