I am a member of an exclusive club. We, in our club, decide who the smartest people in the world are. The club, naturally, only contains white women who are below 5 foot 3 inches in height; 1.61 meters for you Europeans out there. I’d like you all to take a special note of me including the metric and the Imperial as this shows I am not biased!
This exclusive short, smart, white women’s club is undeniably in the best position to decide who is the smartest among all of the people in the world because we members of the club all think alike! Don’t all smart people think alike? We are the judge of that. Did I mention we are all heterosexual too? This is especially important because it ensures that we all have similar desires and backgrounds. That is how we know we are qualified to decide who is smart. We know we are smart – of course we are smart because we are short, white, heterosexual women who are well known to be the smartest among all of the people who ever lived. Largely because we are the only ones who have been vetted using our specially developed what-it-means-to-be-smart criteria.
In the past we didn’t have to justify why were smarter than everyone else. This was better; we were looked up to and no one questioned us. Now we have to provide evidence so we’ve come up with these criteria. What are they, you ask? Anything that shows that short, white, heterosexual women are smarter than everyone else, of course. We work with evidence all day long, so we understand evidence better than anyone who is tall or male or not heterosexual.
Why are you asking me to justify this again? I am smart; you are not. I am also taller than most of the people in my exclusive club because I am 5 foot 3 inches. They all look up to me! I am at the top, they all know I am the smartest too. Why? Because I said so and I am the tallest. It is a well-known fact that the taller women in the short, white, heterosexual women’s club are the smartest. I look at evidence all day long, I remind you, so I know what it is to be smart.
We let a few taller people into this club a few years ago and they just didn’t do as well. They received far fewer accolades. Not as many were awarded prizes from the short, heterosexual, white all women panels comprised of members of the short, white, heterosexual women’s club. When we judged them they simply weren’t as smart, these tall women. We gave them every chance. It was exhausting for us; we had to stand on boxes and wear platform shoes just to make them feel comfortable. I mean there are more of us than there are of them in the club – why do we want to make them feel comfortable? They can go feel comfortable somewhere else, where people are taller and are not very smart.
I am sure that those of you who are not short, white, heterosexual and a woman don’t understand how much effort it is to prove we are smarter than everyone else. We have our own metrics, but people are starting to call those into question. This is outrageous – this is what dumb people do to try to join our club. It would only dilute us and teach us how to think differently.
Thinking differently, quite simply, is not what intellectually curious people do. We stick to our own dogma and fight off any changes. Why? Because we already know we are the smartest people in the room.
