How many inorganic chemists does it take to change a light bulb?

Posted on 16 October 2008 by rpg

Your turn.

(As per Henry.)

About rpg

Scientist, poet, gadfly
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22 Responses to How many inorganic chemists does it take to change a light bulb?

  1. Henry Gee says:
    16 October 2008 at 19:44

    Here are some (just some) of my favourite light-bulb jokes.
    Q: How many Vietnam vets does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: If you don’t know, man, you weren’t there.
    Q: How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. Instead, they form a discussion group to create a document called ‘Coping With Darkness’.
    Q: How many Microsoft Windows Software Developers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None: Darkness is redefined as standard.
    and my all-time favourite
    Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. Nobody cares about me. They don’t phone. They never write …

  2. Maxine Clarke says:
    16 October 2008 at 20:01

    The name’s bond, james bond. I may be insolvent, I may be univalent, but light bulbs are my business. (pulls out gun and shoots bulb).
    Ahhh, it’s all pitch black in here…what was the mission question again?

  3. Richard P. Grant says:
    16 October 2008 at 20:08

    Have you been sniffing the furniture polish again, Maxine?

  4. Eva Amsen says:
    16 October 2008 at 20:22

    As long as they’re coordinated, any number will do.
    or
    It depends on the number of valence electrons.
    Neither of these are funny.

  5. Graham Steel says:
    16 October 2008 at 20:51

    Terribly sorry to hear that Gordon but, that’s OK – she was from Dundee.
    Oh alright then – please do cough quietly in the corner Grant. Thank you.
    Q: How many physiotherapists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: Only one, but it takes 15 visits
    Q: How many LA cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: Five. One to screw in a new bulb, and four to beat the shit out of the old one
    AND
    I’ve got a stereo system in the car. My wife at the front and her mother at the back
    Brought to you from pals of Instant Rimshot[TM]

  6. Kristi Vogel says:
    16 October 2008 at 21:40

    Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: Just one, but the lightbulb has to want to change
    Q. How many pre-medical students does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: Three. One to hold the lightbulb, and two to pull the ladder out from under him/her

  7. Richard P. Grant says:
    16 October 2008 at 22:18

    My favourite is how many mice…
    Just two: but they have to be be really really small mice.

  8. Jennifer Rohn says:
    16 October 2008 at 22:38

    I have always wondered why the humble light bulb was singled out in the first place.

  9. Brian Derby says:
    17 October 2008 at 07:29

    How many collective farm workers does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Fifty. One to change the bulb and 49 to sing the song of the heroic lightbulb changer.

  10. Henry Gee says:
    17 October 2008 at 07:36

    How many peers of the realm does it take to change a light bulb?
    None. At this point I refer you to Belloc:

    Lord Finchley tried to mend the Electric Light

    Himself. It struck him dead: And serve him right!
    It is the business of the wealthy man
    To give employment to the artisan.

  11. Maxine Clarke says:
    17 October 2008 at 07:43

    Sorry if my James “chemical” bond joke did not work, I was doing my best. Humour is probably not my business 😉

  12. Henry Gee says:
    17 October 2008 at 07:45

    Perhaps inorganic chemists are too serious and sensible to merit their own lightbulb joke. Rats.

  13. Brian Clegg says:
    17 October 2008 at 08:22

    Okay, it’s not a lightbulb joke, but I love:
    A mathematician, a physicist and an engineer are trying to work out if all the odd numbers are prime. The mathematician quickly counts off: “one, three, five, seven, nine – no, nine isn’t a prime, it can be divided by three, so the hypothesis is wrong.”
    The physicist does much the same. “One, three, five, seven, nine… hmm, eleven, thirteen… yes, we’ll assume all odd number are prime, nine was just allowable experimental error.”
    Then it’s the engineer’s turn. “One, er, er, three, erm… er…”

  14. Richard P. Grant says:
    17 October 2008 at 09:40

    bq. Then it’s the engineer’s turn. “One, er, er, three, erm… er…”
    That reminds me of the RAF joke my sister tells. To the tune of ‘A you’re Adorable”…

    A I’m an Armourer
    B I’m an Armourer
    C I’m an armourer tooooo

  15. Henry Gee says:
    17 October 2008 at 12:23

    [Political joke alert].
    Three transplant surgeons at an international conference are bragging.
    “In my country,” says the Israeli surgeon, “we can transplant a kidney so skilfully that the patient can be up and looking for work in six weeks.”
    “That’s nothing,” replies the German. “In my hospital we can transplant a man’s heart and he’ll be up and looking for work in just four weeks.”
    “That’s pathetic,” says the English surgeon. “In my country we can transplant a Scottish lower bowel into Downing Street and the whole country will be looking for work in twenty-four hours.”

  16. Kristi Vogel says:
    17 October 2008 at 12:33

    {Dog joke alert}
    Q. How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change A Light Bulb?
    A1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we’ve got our whole lives ahead of us, and you’re inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
    A2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I’ll replace any wiring that’s not up to code.
    A3. Dachshund: You know I can’t reach that stupid lamp!
    A4. Rottweiler: Make me.
    A5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
    A6. Labrador Retriever: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
    A7. German Shepherd: I’ll change it as soon as I lead these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven’t missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
    A8. Jack Russell Terrier: I’ll just pop it in while I’m bouncing off the walls and furniture.
    A9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I’m sorry, but I don’t see a light bulb?
    A10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
    A11. Chihuahua: Yo quiero Taco Bulb.
    A12. Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there …
    A13. Greyhound: It isn’t moving. Who cares?
    A14. Shetland Sheepdog: First, I’ll put all the light bulbs in a little cluster…
    A15. Toy Poodle: I’ll just blow in the Border Collie’s ear and he’ll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
    The Cat’s Answer: “Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is: How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?”

  17. Brian Derby says:
    17 October 2008 at 12:51

    This is the closest I could find
    Q: How many physical chemists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: One, but if the change is subject to equilibrium, they’ll have to do it under pressure.
    Better but not chemists are:
    Q: How many engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: One, but they’ll spend three hours checking it for alignment and leaks.
    Q: How many physicists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: They can’t tell you unless you give them a lightbulb approximation to work on.
    Q: How many theoretical quantum physicists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: One, but they can only do it if it’s a perfectly spherical bulb.
    Q: How many Christian Fundamentalists does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: There is no evidence in the so-called fossil record that the lightbulb has ever changed.

  18. Henry Gee says:
    17 October 2008 at 13:27

    @ Kristi – I love that. It’s so true.
    @ Brian – if we’re getting on to religious light bulb jokes
    Q: How many synagogue officials does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: Change? Change? How dare you. My grandfather donated that lightbulb.
    Q: How many ecumenicals does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: Only one, hands already in the air.

  19. Brian Derby says:
    17 October 2008 at 13:43

    Religious lightbulbs
    Q: How many Calvinists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.
    Q:How many TV evangelists does it take to change a light bulb?
    A: One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your donation today.
    Q: How many charismatics does it take to change a lightbulb?
    A: Three, one to cast it out and two to catch it when it falls.

  20. Brian Clegg says:
    17 October 2008 at 13:49

    Here is an illustration of a golden retriever thinking about lightbulbs (come on, guys, it’s Friday):

    Goldie in a field yesterday
    Blah Flickr blah

  21. Katherine Haxton says:
    17 October 2008 at 16:34

    What? Is it open season on inorganic chemists now?

  22. Richard P. Grant says:
    17 October 2008 at 20:35

    It’s always open season on inorganic chemists, KH.

Comments are closed.