Observations on the Antipodes

They do things differently here.

Jacaranda by Pommiebastards on Flickr

Jacaranda trees synchronize their blossoming, then unrobe in a snow storm of purple, a fanfare for the newly born spring-coloured leaves. Eucalyptus don’t shed their leaves in autumn, but they do slough off their bark. The wildlife is deadly, making barefoot frolicking in the grass hazardous. The Sun goes round the wrong way (and the Moon says COD, not DOC). The bastards give you parking tickets for parking in the ‘University-owned vehicles only’ bay outside your department on a bloody Saturday.

Australians, judging from the adverts on the radio and by the roadside, are lousy lovers. ‘Nasal delivery technology’ (google it) is pushed really hard; to help keep men up for longer. There was an extended billboard campaign, asking

Want longer lasting sex?

until the wowsers complained, and they were all changed to

Want longer lasting CENSORED?

But on my way home from the lab this morning, my penalty notice shoved into the glove box, I had to admire (and laugh at) the marketeers’ persistence. The billboards now read

“Bonk longer”:http://www.adrants.com/2008/11/longer-lasting-sex-a-no-no-longer.php

About rpg

Scientist, poet, gadfly
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29 Responses to Observations on the Antipodes

  1. Jennifer Rohn says:

    That’s an amazing tree, Richard. Is it growing in your yard? I wouldn’t get any writing done if I had that to stare at out my study window.

  2. Richard P. Grant says:

    I’s at the front of the house, well away from any disturbing effects.
    Which reminds me, I must go and look at the fruit on the mango.

  3. Bill Hooker says:

    Party Girl
    Each spring the Jacaranda trades
    Last season’s leaves for flowers,
    And takes her place in the gay parade
    Of golden sunshine hours.
    She looks so pretty in her gown
    Of pale purple, rich and rare;
    Her smile brightens all the town
    And faintly perfumes all the air.
    And when, at last, the party ends,
    And Summer calls for “Last drinks, please!”,
    She slips her after-five dress off
    And changes back to casual leaves.
    A tidy summer breeze sweeps up
    Her carelessly-discarded gown–
    Purple snowdrifts on the paths,
    A crumpled ball-dress on the ground.

  4. Richard P. Grant says:

    Is that yours, Bill?
    I like.

  5. Kristi Vogel says:

    What beautiful trees! And a lovely poem, Bill.
    Our wildlife can be deadly as well, but usually it is just painful to step on with bare feet. Scorpions are the worst in this regard … I had one in my garage a few weeks ago. Also had a very large black widow spider in the tack room of my horse trailer.
    Related to the billboards: I had thought that the makers of Enzyte, a “natural male enhancement” product, had been banned from continuing their deceptive marketing practices. Yet I still see the “Smilin’ Bob” commercials on TV, in which the ladies at work are squirming with anticipation, to sit on Santa Bob’s lap at the holiday party.

  6. Richard P. Grant says:

    Ew. That’s incredibly tacky, if nothing else.

  7. Eva Amsen says:

    I had never heard of either the COD or DOC mnemonic. (And I wouldn’t have figured out what it stood for if there had been only one abbreviation. The antipodean reversed sequence clued me in.)

  8. Richard P. Grant says:

    Heh. Nearer the equator, it’s more like
    D
    O
    C
    though. Hmm. ^-_?

  9. Eva Amsen says:

    I already looked up the equator situation before you said anything (and originally included it in my comment, but then decided it was too geeky and removed it before posting).
    I guess it’s kind of like UOU .

  10. Bill Hooker says:

    Yup, that’s mine. Probably took me longer to dig it out than it took to write it, years ago when my brain still worked on both sides.

  11. Richard P. Grant says:

    Eva, nothing is too geeky in this bar.

  12. Richard P. Grant says:

    Bill (our comments crossed); we should talk about it. As I say, I like it, but could be improved.

  13. Eva Amsen says:

    Aww, even Bill’s poem doesn’t pass your criticism? On a scale of tofu to steak, where my haikus are tofu and Cath’s limericks are… hamburgers? hotdogs?… would you rate Bill’s poem chicken or salmon?

  14. Richard P. Grant says:

    There’s a difference (and I know you’re gently teasing me, Eva) between not liking something and constructive criticism.
    Poems are meant to be read out loud. I think, if you read it as such, you’ll see where Bill’s oeuvre could be improved.

  15. Bill Hooker says:

    It’s in the public domain, Richard, like everything I make. You can do anything you like with it, including improve it. 🙂

  16. Bill Hooker says:

    Poems are meant to be read out loud.
    Inter alia, Philip Larkin and I disagree with you.

  17. Richard P. Grant says:

    I would much rather help you to improve it, Bill.

  18. Richard P. Grant says:

    Argument from authority?!

  19. Bill Hooker says:

    Argument from authority?!
    Reference given in support. 😛
    And I can’t work on the verse with you because my wife is in the room, and she doesn’t care for verse so if I start reading aloud it will annoy her. Besides which, I like it as well as I’m ever going to, the way it is. I find that my fiddling with things only makes them worse.

  20. Richard P. Grant says:

    I find that my fiddling with things only makes them worse.
    and a thousand Nature editors scream out in anguish…

  21. Eva Amsen says:

    “Poems are meant to be read out loud. I think, if you read it as such, you’ll see where Bill’s oeuvre could be improved.”
    I suppose. But mostly, when I read it out loud one particular part of it reminded me of a poem I wrote a few years ago for a challenge that I’m now looking for in the dungeons of my computer. It’s silly, but it’s not a haiku, so you might even like it (I gently teased)

  22. Stephen Curry says:

    For what it’s worth, and I am no authority on the matter, I prefer my poetry out loud. As, I think, did WB Yeats.

  23. Maxine Clarke says:

    Well, there is fiddling (as in “while Rome burns”) and fiddling (as in “making a silk purse out of a sow’s ear”), Richard.
    But, I very much like Bill’s poem and would leave it as it is, espcially as written some time ago, so reflecting his mood and emotions of another time.
    (I did not read it out loud, by the way, although there is nobody in the room to be annoyed by the process and all I can hear is the hypnotic motion of the washing machine, reminding me that I’ll have yet another huge load of ironing to do soon enough – not very conducive to an appreciation of poetry and other higher matters.)

  24. Richard P. Grant says:

    Update
    Well, if you can’t laugh, you’re bonked.

  25. Heather Etchevers says:

    And here I wrote a limerick on purpose to satisfy the lowest common denominator and only Maxine noticed that it scanned…
    I’ll stick to sonnets next time; gives you a little more space.
    Bill, from where were you contemplating jacarandas at the time? I remember being impressed by those near where my grandmother used to live in Tampa.

  26. Bill Hooker says:

    @Heather: I was in Brisbane. I did undergrad through PhD at UQ, where Richard works now.

  27. Richard P. Grant says:

    Eh? UQ??

  28. Bill Hooker says:

    Crap, mixed Richard up with Neil — it’s Neil who’s at UQ.

  29. Richard P. Grant says:

    Heh. Happens all the time. We all look alike.

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