Who are you?

I asked someone to send me a brief CV in relation to something I was doing for the day job. They took me at my word, and sent this haiku:

I sit on my butt
Hiding from controversy
Dispensing wisdom

So this perp is evidently some kind of administrator. But some of you have much more exciting jobs, and now it’s your turn–please, let me have your job description in haiku, limerick form or rhyming couplets. And to make it interesting, I’ll buy a pint or two–or another, equally appetizing prize–for what I deem to be the best.

Go to it!

[UPDATE 13082011] I’ve decided to raise the stakes. A signed copy of Jenny’s book (either/or) is now on offer for the very best, and there may be runners-up prizes too.

About rpg

Scientist, poet, gadfly
This entry was posted in Friday afternoon, you and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

43 Responses to Who are you?

  1. Eva says:

    From my Twitter bio: “Former lab rat, now professional friend of lab rats.”

  2. cromercrox says:

    I’m far too busy and important these days for such stuff.

  3. Other Eva says:

    Studying French while dreaming of future intellectualism
    Reaping the benefits of my linguistic expertise:
    Vous voulez des frites avec?

    (That’s, “would you like fries with that?”)

  4. An early, learning on the job, grant wrangling limerick:

    When working on multiple grants,
    I fly by the seat of my pants.
    When it comes to the budget,
    Please let me just fudge it,
    Or suffer from one of my rants.

    Blogging limerick:

    I’m more often silly than not,
    And some of the feedback I got,
    Said to keep being ditzy –
    It seems that it fits me –
    So VWXYNot?

  5. Benoit says:

    Takin the chromatin, G
    To the I to the M-F’in P
    Those sucka reviewers
    Suckin live hoovas
    Won’t let me M-F’in be

    ….and so on and so forth. Peace out.

  6. ricardipus says:

    Fo’ shizzle, Benoit.

    So… are you going to reveal the identify of this mystery administrator?

  7. rpg says:

    Oo, some nice ones there.

    R’pus, have you not heard of professional courtesy? For shame!

  8. The following should be sung to the tune of ‘My Name is John Wellington Wells’ from Gilbert and Sullivan’s The Sorcerer.

    My name is Professor AD.
    I’m a lecturer, a scientist, DBE.
    I teach lots of fun things,
    About waves, light and springs,
    To students who want a degree.

    My research deals with things that we eat
    And how proteins react to the heat.
    Soft matter’s the name,
    It’s not just a game,
    Physics is fun, it’s all such a treat!

  9. rpg says:

    Ha ha! Athene is the one to beat, everyone!

  10. Karl says:

    I Moose

  11. rpg says:

    I fear that might take some explaining…

  12. I respect the right of the host to decide the winner.

    However, I think Henry’s was better than anyone else’s, definitely including mine.

  13. rpg says:

    While it wasn’t explicit the spirit of the competition demands new material, I fear.

  14. The visual phenotyper

    Who am I? Who am I? Who I am’s irrelevant
    When sixty billion knockdowns crave my yes or no consent
    Round cells, square cells, long ones, thin ones; cells shaped like Cambodia
    After weeks and weeks of this I’m seeing Christ in lamellipodia

  15. stephenemoss says:

    I offer nothing iambic
    And no punning limerick
    No clever clerihew
    No hack at a haiku

    I’m a scientist
    Not a poet

    Which by my sense of scan
    Should be obvious

  16. Grant says:

    There’s code for life,
    in those letters that my code
    builds some sense of life.

    (Computational biologist. I’m an independent consultant. Originally I was going to call my consultancy Code4Life – there’s an explanation of that in the About page of my blog. If I had I’m come up with something better, as it’s an easy theme to play with, really – am I allowed second-shots at this?)

  17. I knit a sock for art
    So useful shall I be
    To those who have cold feet
    And those who wish to see

    viv in nz

  18. rpg says:

    @Stephen–that’s brilliant, but unfortunately not a real job description or CV.
    @viv in NZ, excellent!
    @Grant—of course you are!

  19. cromercrox says:

    No shrinking violet he
    Just popped along to say
    He’s fond of things that happened long ago, and far away.

  20. Grant says:

    Better with the opening line as ‘There are code for life,’. But whatever, it sort-of works as it is. What I get from lazy typing (and no proofing!) late on Saturday nights…

  21. Pd says:

    prostituting skills
    rocks, bytes, words, sports nutrition
    a john of all trades

  22. Benoit says:

    Pt 2 of a 17 part series:

    I take out of the hearts of mice
    It’s not a Mayan sacrifice
    I’m trying to understand
    what makes a heart, what makes a hand

    Come on now y’all
    It’s transcription y’all
    Start at the beginning
    Pol two is elongating

    I’m writing up that Sh*t
    Gonna try to publish it
    If M-F’in Nature
    won’t put it in their paper
    Then bye bye to my M-F’in tenure

  23. Benoit says:

    (OK, last one , I promise)

    Trying my hand at evo…..
    To the M’F-in devo

    Not Devo the band
    How an animal grows a hand

    Or a heart, don’t start
    I know what you’re gonna think

    He’s going to go
    and try to show
    The Missing F’in Link!

  24. MGG says:

    I’m an animal-doctor
    Who left it all for cell-culture,
    And some knock-out mice,
    Added in, just for spice,
    Oh, to be a PI,
    Was always in my mind’s eye.
    It’s just around that corner,
    Just a little further..

    But now, a decade later,
    Am I a fighter or a quitter?
    How much longer do I stay?
    Stay no longer, they all say.

    Dreams shattered, hopes squashed,
    Do I hide, under the bed?
    Who am I? I don’t know.
    If you do, please tell me.

  25. ricardipus says:

    I rather liked stephenemoss’s contribution… 🙂

    Jenny deserves a special award for the use of “lamellipodia” I think.

    Benoit’s are good too, but hey keep tripping my parental control filters. 😀

  26. KristiV says:

    Twelve cranial nerves:
    those who search for them in vain
    are the angry ones.

    Knock out one GAP and
    neurons will survive without
    their neurotrophins.

  27. rpg says:

    What have I started?

  28. Benoit says:

    Richard 1: sorry about the implied crudeness; science brings it out in me sometimes (and rap just doesn’t work quite as well without it, despite what that goody-two-shoes Will Smith would have you think)

    Richard 2: a bucket of creativity; awesome.

  29. cromercrox says:

    Tempted to tell you – Go to Hell.
    My mind is full of other stuff:
    Instead I write this villanelle.

    So little space, so much to tell.
    Accommodation will be tough.
    Tempted to tell you – Go to Hell.

    These manuscripts have cast their spell.
    I have to judge them, fair enough.
    Instead I write this villanelle.

    Books to read, ideas to sell.
    I haven’t time for all this fluff!
    Tempted to tell you – Go to Hell.

    And fictional ideas must gel,
    Not clog, as so much tawdry guff.
    Instead I write this villanelle.

    I waste my time, on Mac, or Dell,
    With Facebook, Scrabble, blogs – it’s rough.
    Tempted to tell you – Go to Hell:
    Instead I wrote this villanelle.

  30. Pingback: Who are you? | Code for Life

  31. Kausik Datta says:

    I am The One
    Who likes to have fun…
    Call me – oh, yeah! –
    The Fun Guy.
    No time to mope;
    Under the ‘scope,
    I watch me some
    Nasty little fungi.

    I see in my work:
    Fungal spores lurk
    Inside the lungs
    Of the host;
    The host doth protest.
    How, that I test,
    It saves itself
    From being toast.

  32. ricardipus says:

    Have some ersatz e.e. cummings. Yes, I know I’ve done this before.

    1 day in the life

    & then it is not

    (I write more)

    socio-economic benefits of
    (ethical implications)
    implied infrastructure

    twenty-seven FTE
    23% fringe
    and no overhead at all

    broken down into fragmentary pieces
    individual lines
    activities one through seven
    typing, typing
    always typing
    please come back later

    (I close the door)

  33. Gavin says:

    What I do in a Haiku? Challenge accepted…

    New biologics,
    Therapeutic antibodies

    Man that sounds dull…I suck…Lemme try again:

    Antibody drug,
    May cause immune response
    I develop tests

    Hmm, oh well, at least this makes me chuckle:

    Haikus are easy,
    but sometimes they don’t make sense

  34. rpg says:

    I guess I should wind this up… any more?

  35. rpg says:

    @Henry — nice villanelle, but I sniff, just a whiff, of plagiarism. Do you want to tell us something?

  36. Grant says:

    I could bore you with a longer version? –

    There are codes for life,
    in those letters that my code
    builds some sense of life.

    Programming codes about life
    fill many working hours, code
    testing ideas about life.

    The genetic codes for life
    give RNA, proteins, and all; codes
    from which biology builds life.

    Critical thought codes guide life:
    honesty and accuracy, a code
    for studying the science of life.

    Writing codes describe life;
    letters, words, articles code
    explanations of phenomena in life.

    These are codes for life,
    that I wield in my code
    to build some sense of life.

  37. rpg says:

    make it stop…


  38. Ian the EM Guy says:

    Not specifically about me, but when the electron microscope breaks, I often let our users know via poetry to draw the sting. Here are two poems, from last Winter one when it broke (it wouldn’t form a sufficient vacuum and timed out after failure), the other for when it was fixed:

    The microscope has stopped working again
    Affected by this snow, just like my train
    Or maybe machinery can go insane
    So with this simple rhyme let me explain:

    On start up our dear scope must first pump down
    The pump begins its work with usual sound
    The pumping cycle then goes round and round
    But in the buffer tank still air is found

    And running out of time the pump’s released
    From cycle after cycle work is ceased
    Microscopist’s frustrations are increased
    Fault messages aren’t helpful in the least

    And so we call our trusty engineers
    Hoping that they will have better ideas
    Hoping against all hope, against our fears
    A fast repair won’t leave work in arrears

    As Winters dark fades slowly from the skies
    the sunshine brings fresh light, a brand new dawn
    and scientists rejoice and let forth cries
    the microscope repaired, has been reborn

    The vacuum pump restored to former state
    now like The Bruce’s spider tries again
    the buffer tank now does evacuate
    at last, sufficient vacuum is obtained

    Microscopist sits hunched at the controls
    checking all the functions, always looking
    he then declares to all the waiting souls
    “The ‘scope is now available for booking!”

  39. cromercrox says:

    @Richard – all my own work, guv. The problem is that the villanelle is rather a precise form so that all villanelles come to read like Dylan Thomas’ one about raging against the dying of the light.

  40. rpg says:

    Yeah, fair enough.

  41. On a creaking chair
    I sit to write my emails.
    An academic.

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