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Bin the Boffin

Speaking personally, I hate the label ‘boffin’. Maybe once upon a time it was seen as a positive, but not any more. The Institute of Physics is running a ‘Ban the Boffin’ campaign, as part of their Limit Less campaign to open up Physics to a wider part of society. Their pamphlet says

“A 2022 IOP-commissioned survey of 1,000 11-17-year-olds and 1,514 adults (18+) shows that the term conjures up a deeply stereotypical image of what a scientist ‘should’ look like.

When asked to describe what a boffin looks like in three words, respondents painted a clear picture: glasses, geeky, nerdy, male, white coat, serious, bald and posh. More than ten times as many survey respondents thought that the term boffin described a man than a woman.”

This use of the word can therefore be seen as totally antithetical to any attempt to broaden the appeal of Physics. It isn’t surprising the IOP wants to ‘bin’ it.

The origin of the word isn’t entirely clear, with Wikipedia giving various, unproven historical possibilities, but also citing a reference from the Oxford English Dictionary dating back to a Times article in 1945 where apparently the term was applied to researchers at the Royal Signals Research Establishment (RSRE) at Malvern

“A band of scientific men who performed their wartime wonders at Malvern and apparently called themselves “the boffins”.”

Note the use of the word ‘men’, as presumably they all were, despite women beginning to weave their way into military research, but usually beneath the radar (excuse the pun).

Despite not being a man, I have my own unhappy memories of being deemed a boffin. This occurred when a press release trying to explain what colloids were went sadly wrong, with a tabloid headline of ‘Boffins get £3M to study lumpy custard’, when lumpy custard had merely been mentioned in the release as an example of small particles (ie colloidal particles) sticking together. It most certainly was not what the research was all about. I don’t suppose the journalist had bothered to check what sex the lead researcher was, more intent on what they no doubt thought was a good (if inaccurate as it turned out) story.

Me and the media did not get off to a good start on this and other fronts – but that was before I had had media training. I cannot tell if that is correlation or causation. My 2010 interview on Desert Island Discs shows I had progressed to some degree of confidence when handling the media because, when my interlocutor, Kirsty Young, threw the story of lumpy custard into the mix – not a story that I had mentioned in my pre-interview talk with the programme’s researcher – although my jaw metaphorically dropped, and I said something like ‘oh you got hold of that’, I didn’t immediately collapse in a small stuttering heap.

To me, as presumably both the IOP collectively and many of those they interviewed about the word, the use of the word boffin is done to make us ‘other’.  To make us somewhat odd in a way that science – familiar to all from school – and scientist do not convey so easily. And then, they can laugh at us at being so odd and different, and they don’t have to pay so much attention to what we say as scientists. There are other somewhat pejorative words out there, such as geek (possibly faded a bit from common phraseology) and nerd, neither of which I would prefer. Richard Jones wrote a fascinating piece on his blog on the origins of the word geek several years ago now, but it certainly stuck in my mind. He objected, apart from anything else, to the use of the word as a shorthand for a particular kind of identity politics. Boffin could presumably be used in the same way, but it certainly isn’t usually used in a way that is likely to attract the typical schoolchild to think that is what they aspire to be, and particularly for girls given its strong male overtones.

Creating an image of an adult scientist/engineer/designer (all likely to be covered by the word boffin in common parlance) that is unattractive is exactly the kind of stereotyping I object to so strongly, as I’ve spelled out in my book Not Just for the Boys: Why we need more women in science. It applies to labels such as boffin, nerd or geek; it applies to imagery of men in white coats with sticking up hair and holding a test tube about to explode; and it applies to the messaging of what are male and female subjects. If you read my book, you’ll see I worry about such gendering of disciplines for boys (typically put off studying languages or Psychology as subjects at school) as for girls being steered away from Physics or Computing.

Our society has work to do in treating scientists as normal, be they male or female, not some peculiar tribe. I’m right behind the IOP in wanting to Bin the Boffin.

 

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Why Succession failed me – just

Tom and Roman gaze out through the glass wall of a corporate office

Tom and Roman – trapped by farce?

I have been trying to put my finger on why I have found Succession — HBO’s must-see series about fictional US media mogul Logan Roy and his dysfunctional family — to be at once utterly compelling and annoyingly dissatisfying.

The show has an excellent pedigree. It was created by Jesse Armstrong (Peep Show, The Thick of It, Fresh Meat), and has a stellar cast featuring career-highlight performances by Brian Cox as the ferocious patriarch and Matthew Macfadyen, playing brilliantly against type as the hollow but calculating hanger-on Tom Wambsgans; these two shine just a little bit more brightly than the portrayals of the fractious Roy children by Alan Ruck (Con),  Jeremy Strong (Kendall), Sarah Snook (Shiv), and Kieran Culkin (Roman).

Succession is commonly mentioned in the same breath as other stand-out television series from the last two decades, such as The Sopranos, Mad Men, and The Wire, but I wouldn’t put it in the same category at those dramas. Technically, nor would the creators, since Succession is a comedy-drama, and one that that some perceptive critics have even compared to superior situation comedies, because of the recursive plotting, which loops from season to season around the children’s struggles to grab the reins of Waystar-Royco from their ailing father.

I think there’s something to that designation. But even though the series has some scenes that are blisteringly dramatic – not least from season 4, Logan’s sorrowful dismissal of his kids in the karaoke bar (“I love you, but you are not serious people.”), their hate-love inflected attempts to say a last farewell to him over the phone, and Shiv and Tom tearing truth and chunks out of each other on the balcony at the pre-election party – its comedic instincts pull the show more towards farce than a work that has something new to say about modern life.

This, ultimately, is the source of my dissatisfaction with Succession. Because so much of the plotting and characterisation is rooted in farce, they end up being flattened in a cartoonish way that you don’t find in more serious drama. There are moments of self-awareness for many of the characters but little in the way of any kind of growth. That would be OK – who says that people have to grow or learn lessons in fiction? – but the main dramatic weakness is that you almost never get to see any of the characters doing their jobs. They mostly sit around bickering, albeit in superbly caustic terms, but that wasn’t not enough for me. Logan’s charge of unseriousness therefore applies not just to the characters of his children but to the narrative, which lacks the procedural depth found in shows like The Sopranos or, my recent favourite, Better Call Saul. There’s no real sense that Kendall, Shiv, or Roman have the wherewithal to run the company. To my mind, nowhere near enough groundwork had been laid to make Tom’s transformation into the all-powerful CEO believable.

Realising that Succession is more farcical, than dramatic makes this omission more forgivable but I still can’t really understand it, given the enormous amounts of talent involved in creating the show. But what do I know – a mere armchair critic? Maybe an injection of reality would have nixed the comedy? I’ve got my suspicions.

Whatever. Succession remains an outstanding achievement – horrifically compulsive viewing. And who would have guessed that Roman would ultimately emerge as the most relatable human of the bickering Roys?

For better and more in-depth critiques, see these pieces by Hannah Mackay (BFI) and Isabel Berwick (FT).

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In which we migrate

After about eight years in residence at the Royal Free Hospital, my itinerant scientific journey is about to embark on its next exciting leg.

lab space with researchers

Some of my team, hard at work in our current home

In a few weeks’ time, my lab is uprooting itself and moving to a new home in the same department, from leafy Belsize Park to the thrumming centre of the university campus in Bloomsbury. I’m looking forward to it, but if you’ve ever moved labs before, you’ll know how overwhelming it can all seem. Most scientists are pack rats, and each trainee accumulates things – chemicals, reagents, plasticware, small pieces of kit – that are inevitably left behind for their predecessors. After a few such “generations”, the provenance of these items starts to get a bit blurry, especially when there is no one left who knew the original owners. Of course there is me, the sole constant, but even I struggle when confronted with the bold initials of a long-ago undergraduate project student who laid claim to a box, a rack, a bottle with a scribble of Sharpie, who came and went in a brief flurry of newbie zeal, ideally without blowing anything up.

In a communal lab space like the one we currently inhabit, the problem is compounded because there are multiple groups all leaving behind their stuff. The shadowy corners and recesses of less accessible benching – like that scary space behind the fume cupboard – are no-man’s lands of dusty piles of what is tactfully known in the business as “crap”. Broken gel electrophoresis electrodes, boxes of microscope slides smeared with decades-old dried purple goo, expired DNA extraction kits, pipette tips that are no longer compatible with the current sets of instruments, broken microwaves, rusty water baths that haven’t been filled for decades. Someone recently found a bottle of powdered chemical that had expired in 1972. And then there are the towers of reusable rainbow-coloured plastic boxes that fit a standard 10 by 10 grid of Eppendorf tubes, emptied of their contents but still marked territorially with their original owner’s name and purpose. IMPORTANT SAMPLES!, one declares. THE VERY LAST EXPERIMENT! promises another. Once these were prized treasure chests, carefully guarded – now they are spent empty shells, waiting for the next researcher to fill them with purpose.

So we’re using the opportunity to get rid of stuff that we no longer need, once and for all. It’s agonising, but as with most moves, we’re getting increasingly ruthless the further into the process we go. That little bottle of buffer from five years ago? It may still work, but do you really want to risk your experiment finding out? And so we recycle and donate what we can, and fill up the rubbish bags with the rest. Meanwhile, across town, members of my team have been clearing out the abandoned detritus occupying the space earmarked for us. I’m pleased to report it’s now empty and gleaming and ready for the onslaught of our crates.

If you ask us what we’re looking forward to the most, it’s probably having windows in the lab and office spaces. Yes, we’ve been enduring a fluorescent-lit cave for far too long. But University Street is lined with trees and sky and we’ll emerge into our next stage of the life cycle, blinking in the sunlight.

I am so looking forward to a fresh start – decluttered, scrubbed clean and optimistic. We have two new people joining the team soon, and so many grants outstanding that I’m confident of even more before long. I’ll be closer to key collaborators, and to the heart of university life. Endings and beginnings punctuate academic life, so let’s see what’s around the horizon. I’m ready.

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What I Read In June

Screenshot 2023-06-29 at 17.05.06Michael Cobley: Seeds of Earth There’s nothing like a stonking great slab of space opera to get one back into the fun of reading after a dry spell, and as luck would have it Mrs Gee found this — and its two sequelae, because it’s a trilogy, of course it is — in a local charity shop. When a lost colony of the human race is rediscovered on a remote planet, what was once a bolt-hole in the back of beyond turns out to be in the disputed border regions between mutually hostile alien powers. Not only do the plucky colonists have to learn to play politics with hostile civilisations much more powerful than their own, they must contend with the discovery, on their planet, of an artefact of apocalyptic power left over from an age when warfare was existentially, pan-galactically, super-eschatologically ferocious. The aliens come out of Star Wars — the humans from any Peter F. Hamilton novel — the result is a blisteringly good read.

Screenshot 2023-06-29 at 17.06.31A. M. Homes: Days of Awe If  James Thurber had been born in the late twentieth century rather than the late nineteenth, and had been female (also Jewish) he might have turned out something like A. M. Homes, whose dissections of modern American life in this warm collection of short stories have the same satirical, surreal, occasionally fantastical and always affectionate tone, but which are always as sharp as a tack. I found it on Mrs Gee’s nightstand. It had been recommended by a friend. Reader, I devoured it.

 

 

 

Screenshot 2023-06-29 at 17.07.14Renee Knight: Disclaimer Catherine is an award-winning documentary film-maker at the top of her game. Relaxing at the end of a day, she picks up a thriller that has found its way to her bedside table. To her horror she finds that the main character is — herself. Thus starts a nail-biter full of more twists and turns than an explosion in a pretzel factory. One critic compared it with Gone Girl, and I can see the similarity, except that whereas Gone Girl swerves halfway through with a savage plot twist that feels like being hit over the head with a blunt instrument (if you’ve read it, you’ll know what I mean), Disclaimer toys with you unmercifully before going in for the kill with a shocking denouement.

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You Read It Here First

You’ll both recall that lately I have been keep my demons at bay by working furiously hard, both at the day job (I’m with the Submerged Log Company) and also by writing my next book. This strategy has been fairly successful (and, oh yes, the drugs) in that I am more than 52,000 words into the first draft of a billet-doux provisionally entitled The Decline and Fall of the Human Empire, and so closer to the beginning of the end than the end of the beginning. It takes the theme of an article I wrote for Scientific American on the imminent extinction of humanity and expands it to book length [Cripes, no wonder you were depressed and anxious — Ed.]

A few weeks back St Martin’s Press bought the US/Canada rights, and I am just about to sign with Picador for the UK/Commonwealth rights, and publishers in Korea and Italy have also expressed an interest in translating it, yea, even before I’ve finished it, so really I should stop writing this now and get on with it.

This literary preoccupation may explain why I haven’t been very active recently either on the social media or on this blog (and, oh yes, the drugs) and haven’t read my usual monthly shelf’s worth of books. I have been reading, though — voraciously so — but it’s been of the technical kind, by way of research. I have been terrifying myself by learning about climate change. I have been finding out about drought, dearth, disease, demography and death. You know, all the ‘d’s. I’ve been digging into subjects as varied as palaeoanthropology and photosynthesis, and  in a moment I shall be rocketing off into space. You know, like you do.

I’ll send you a postcard.

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Nerves? We (Nearly) All Have Them

Recently I had occasion to watch a young adult preparing to make a presentation. They were incredibly nervous, but when it came to standing in front of the audience little of that was evident. Just a small amount of self-deprecating humour, enough to get the audience on side. On the other hand, I’ve seen apparently confident students suddenly completely lose their nerve and dry up, or at least falter and not make the most of an opportunity to shine. It’s tricky. Even at my stage of life I can sometimes be overwhelmed by anxiety, usually when it’s a case of asking questions at the end of a talk or, increasingly, when I’m chairing a panel and know it’s my responsibility to keep the questions going if the audience members aren’t being forthcoming.

If you are setting out on your career and feel assailed by trepidation, I think it is worth remembering that you are not alone. Different people may be fazed by different situations, but it is a rare person who never has doubts at all. In my experience of giving talks, one of the worst audiences to face is that of your peers, colleagues and friends. I know I am not unusual in feeling like this. Talking to strangers, whom you may never see again, perhaps feels as if there is less to lose than talking to your head of department, your supervisor and the student next door who you are trying to get to know better or collaborate with. These personal interactions may be damaged if you make a fool of yourself, or at least, it’s easy to believe that. I don’t think that worry ever completely goes away.

Undoubtedly there are things you can do to reduce the odds of it going horribly wrong. If you feel well-prepared then there is a better chance you won’t get caught out by others or catch yourself out. I always used to practice my entire seminar, talking to myself quietly but out loud. By verbalising what you want to say, you both practice your logic and fluency, as you move from slide to slide, but you can also check your timing. There is nothing more annoying than a speaker who drones on well past the allotted time span. Audiences tend to be more forgiving of the speaker who stops early, although that may just leave more time for questions, hostile or otherwise.

Fluency is important. Some scientific words are right tongue twisters, and it is all too easy to read a word to yourself and never articulate it out loud. Suddenly you realise you’re going to have to utter this in public and it can make things much worse for the rest of the talk if you trip over it. I well remember a student, back in the days when I worked on liquid crystalline polymers, who consistently fluffed the word ‘anisotropic’. This was particularly unfortunate as it would probably turn up quite a few times in any given talk. My own bête noire was the Greek alphabet (this was mainly a problem in my teaching) and I was, not infrequently, reduced to referring to a symbol as ‘squiggle’. Why I couldn’t keep the names straight I don’t know, or follow my own advice and check it before I started the lecture in which I had to talk about some relevant equation.

Preparing for any obvious questions coming your way at the end is also clearly a good thing to do, but it’s all but impossible to predict everything that might come up. Some of the most difficult questions to answer are the ones when the questioner has completely missed the point. The question may make no sense to you, unless you can unpick their incomprehension, or alternatively the only simple answer is to say ‘you’ve got it all wrong/you weren’t listening’, which may seem just a tad aggressive. At times, the best thing to do is to suggest you drill down into the detail in private later, so that the rest of the audience is spared the put-down.

My second key piece of advice concerns laser pointers. As I say, all of us can get nervous and the nerves may lead to shaking hands. If you have a laser pointer in your hand, such shaking may be massively magnified on the screen, often to the extent of making it impossible to highlight what you intend. Depending on the layout of the room, I think there are two obvious solutions. If there is a lectern you can conveniently use, then it’s perfectly possible to rest your hand on this in a very casual way, which should completely mask the real purpose.  However, few standard academic rooms lend themselves to this, although lecture theatres may, so an alternative solution has to be found. I have found it works well to hold the one wrist with the other hand, which steadies things enormously, but still is pretty unobvious.

Finally, where should you look? Again, the lay-out of the room, the lighting and the nature of the audience all make a difference but, whatever you do, do not look at your feet most of the time nor spend the entire talk with your back to the audience. They may deduce that you’re shy and nervous, but it will not improve the reception of what you have to say. Sometimes it is possible to find someone who regularly nods (but not because they are nodding off), or who smiles and laughs at any jokes you may introduce. (As an aside, I would say you have to have a lot of aplomb to carry jokes off, although self-deprecating humour may work.) Those people are worth a frequent glance, just to prove you’re looking at the audience. But if everything seems somewhat flat and no one catches your eye as being particularly interested, I have always found looking at the wall at the back a good trick. Most people won’t realise that you aren’t looking at anyone, they’ll just know you’re not looking at them. This is particularly true if the lights have been dimmed.

Nerves aren’t anything to be ashamed about, but it is as well to reduce their impact and so to build your own self-confidence, recognizing that they may never completely disappear. Good luck!

 

 

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Innovation: New ideas and New people

Earlier this week I had the pleasure of delivering a public lecture with the above title in the beautiful interior of Hereford Cathedral. This unusual venue, a wonderful testament to the ingenuity of medieval builders, was chosen by the Engineering Professors Council for an opening public lecture as part of their meeting on the theme of New Models. It was unfortunate that I had to walk across the city in a torrential downpour accompanied by thunder and lightning, so that I arrived at the Cathedral with my shoes audibly squelching and dripping wet despite my umbrella. My predominant memory of the city is not, therefore, much about its architecture, so much as downpipes gushing water from gutters onto the pavements I was walking along as fast as I could.

I had been invited to talk about current challenges and the need for new kinds of engineers and scientists. This was a topic that builds nicely on my recent book, Not Just for the Boys: Why we need more women in science, and the organisers were kind enough to arrange for my book to be on sale, and a signing opportunity, after my lecture. The approximate text of my lecture follows, combining a discussion of the need to improve skills provisions for those who want to follow a technical route, but not through university, as well as the need to root out the systemic biases in our society and labs.

Innovation: new ideas and new people

Innovation literally means a novel change, something new being introduced, so the topic sits centrally in the ‘new models’ title of this whole conference. But of course, it’s not just about the what – it’s about the how and the who. And that’s what I’ll be talking about today.

Ask a schoolchild what an engineer does, and the answer may be somewhat disappointing. Not that they change the world, but that they mend the TV or the washing machine. Or that they build bridges and wear hard hats. But the diversity of options open to a child who chooses to pursue engineering – or indeed any other of the so-called STEM subjects, Science Technology Engineering and Mathematics – is vast, and there is a crucial shortage of skilled individuals in many of these subjects. If children really knew what opportunities were open to them if they opted for engineering, physics, design or computing, would they be less likely to aspire, unrealistically, to be a pop star or social media influencer?

Economists talk currently about the productivity paradox. Our economy has been close to flatlining more or less continuously since the 2008 financial crash, while other Western economies have recovered much more effectively. We can blame all kinds of reasons beyond our control, such as Brexit, the pandemic and the war in Ukraine, but in reality our economy was stuttering before any of these came to pass, and other countries are having to face up to many of the same problems, even if not the downsides of Brexit. So, what has gone wrong? Why is the UK economy so particularly sluggish?

A plethora of different reasons can be advanced to try to explain our sluggish economy, ranging from the tail of underperforming small companies to a lack of skills in school leavers, but undoubtedly our inability to innovate, to take ideas from conception through to successful delivery, are part of the problem. We like to boast that we are great at inventions and our universities are well regarded. However, as a nation we are frequently lambasted for not successfully exploiting the ideas we come up with – think hovercrafts, monoclonal antibodies or graphene as the relevant length scale is decreased. Although there are those who would dispute this oft-repeated trope, nevertheless we have undoubtedly not managed to capture some of the markets we maybe should have, or set up robust and innovative supply chains. Engineering sits at the heart of so much of this. We need novel ways of working – and novel ways of educating our young, enabling them to see, not just that being a whizzkid entrepreneur who appears on Dragons Den is an attractive career choice, but that being a skilled pair of hands contributing to novel processes, speeding up production or tweaking something to produce, figuratively, a better mousetrap, is an exciting opportunity for the individual as well as being good for the wider world.

I believe that part of the reason for our shortages, lies in our societal attitudes. People seem to imagine a discontinuity between the STEM subjects and the arts, loosely interpreted, finding it necessary, too often, to pit the two against each other as if they are two sides in a battle. This dichotomy can, at least in part, be attributed to ideas of class in Victorian society. It is no accident that many of the 19th century scientists were of relatively humble birth. Think of Michael Faraday, or Thomas Huxley, who was always very conscious of his background. Both these illustrious scientists had received their education outside what was then the norm of Oxbridge; Faraday started out as a bookbinder’s apprentice; Huxley, very much an autodidact who trained in medicine through various short-term apprenticeships or, as I guess we would call them now, internships with family members.  Additionally, there were class distinctions arising from the idea that ‘making things’ was not something gentlemen did. This harks right back to the ancient Greeks, who distinguished between episteme, roughly translated as natural philosophy or knowledge, and techne, translated as craft. So craft, making things and making things work, appears always to have been seen as less pure, less worthy, possibly simply because it involved getting your hands dirty. Engineering certainly falls, in this categorisation, into techne and so comes lower in the pantheon of educational skills than, say, philosophy. It was true for the Victorians and I suspect is still true in the minds of many in the 21st century.

The same debate continues. For instance, Larry Summers – whatever his other faults – neatly summed up the feeling that society collectively seems to think it is OK to be ignorant about science, but not literature for instance. In his 2001 inaugural address as president of Harvard, Summers said

We live in a society, and dare I say a university, where few would admit — and none would admit proudly — to not having read any plays by Shakespeare. It is all too common and all too acceptable not to know a gene from a chromosome.”

Our current Prime Minister, Rishi Sunak, may be all in favour of more schoolchildren persisting with maths post 16  – as am I. There is no doubt a good grasp of handling numbers, data and statistics will be valuable in almost all jobs beyond the most menial, but it is an ill-thought through policy, given there simply aren’t the teachers to make this possible, and so seems to have done little more than raise hackles without changing attitudes.

Does any of this matter? I think it does. Whether you like it or not, science is pervasive and each and every one of us is going to have to make judgements about scientifically-based matters at a personal level.  We saw this vividly during the height of the pandemic. Individuals had to make decisions about how to adjust their lives in the face of rampant infection. Their individual attitudes – indeed their understanding – towards what was too often called ‘the’ science, as if even all scientists agreed, around wearing face masks and, in the early weeks, how the virus was transmitted, impacted all of us collectively. Knowing all the science, even when it is as cast-iron as it can be, is inevitably going to be impossible, but making informed judgements based on the level of evidence you can access ought to be a desirable end. For us as individuals, and for us as society – not to mention for politicians.

Let me return more explicitly to the shortage of skilled hands to work in the STEM disciplines. When talking to the directors of SMEs they complain that, even in places of low employment, the local youth do not want to become machine operatives, they’d rather go elsewhere and enter retail or office work. Whether high skilled or low skilled, engineering work simply doesn’t attract people in the numbers we need. And, consequently, our economy suffers. Living as I do in Cambridge, I am particularly concerned about the Fens, but wherever you are from you will probably recognize that there are issues. The challenges for the left behind regions may vary according to whether they are depressed coastal towns or industrialised cities that have lost their core industries or, as around here, fertile agricultural land with no longer the same need for workers in the fields. But let me start by focussing on the Suffolk coast and its hinterland, being relatively local to my own place of residence.

Felixstowe has been identified by the Government as one of the planned Freeports. Already a huge container port, its website states that ‘It will be a hub for global trade and national regeneration as well as creating a hotbed for innovation that will have impact across the UK.’  Innovation.  This will need a skilled workforce, and one we don’t have, or at least not in sufficient quantity and in that part of the country. The regional distribution of skills matters, as I hope I’ll illustrate.

Another story in the news, and one directly relevant to the green economy, are the plans by Scottish Power to build a 100MW green hydrogen plant also at Felixstowe, to provide fuel for the expanding fleet of lorries that the freeport will require to transport goods from the docks, as well as to fuel machinery on site. Excellent in theory. However, the port itself is already struggling to recruit workers with the right set of skills, a problem that can only be exacerbated – in the absence of a better supply of people – by the creation of a new plant on this scale competing for the same sorts of people with technical expertise. Yet such a plant, aiming to be able to fuel 1300 trucks when at capacity, is sorely needed to reduce emissions from lorries on our roads (or trains). As if that wasn’t bad enough, it’s not that far along the coast to Sizewell. Next year, building work on the new power station Sizewell C should start. If all these three projects, massive important infrastructure projects and not just for the region but for the country, get fully underway, where are all the people to do the construction and installations of necessary equipment going to come from and then to keep them running optimally? The region is sparsely populated and not well served with FE Colleges, let alone universities.

Despite ‘skills’ being a word tossed around liberally by politicians, delivering the education and training that is needed in schools, FE colleges and on-the-job in order to provide a workforce which can deliver and which is recruited from the local area (not imported from other areas which may already be thriving), doesn’t appear to be considered holistically by the government. ‘Skills’ has to be more than just another slogan which isn’t thought through or invested in. FE colleges can only be effective it they are properly funded, as well as well-connected to local enterprises. The responses to the Augar Review and the Levelling Up white paper in the last couple of years, were both lacking in robust plans on this front. Our current skills minister, Robert Halfon, may believe in degree apprenticeships passionately, but there are 50% of the population who do not go to university and for whom apprenticeships of the non-degree kind as well as other sub-degree qualifications, are vital if they are to get on, feel satisfied and contribute to the economy. We need these people.

Our politicians are fond of slogans, and I was amused by the title of a report from the House of Lords last year. You don’t have to read beyond the first few lines of its summary to recognize they are sceptical about the Government’s direction of travel when it comes to research and innovation. Indeed, the title rather gives the game away: ‘“Science and technology superpower”: more than a slogan?’ With a long-standing commitment to raising spending in the UK to research and development to 2.4% of GDP, the report spells out that ‘Despite welcome steps and laudable rhetoric, we are concerned that the Government is not on course to meet its ambitions.’ This equally  applies to Rishi Sunak’s post-16 maths plans and for those putative developments in Suffolk, for which no one has sorted out where the necessary people are to come from or by whom and where they will be trained.

I was involved with a report produced by the Royal Society last year looking at the regional distribution of absorptive capacity. That phrase – absorptive capacity – means the ability to understand and apply new ideas and approaches within a particular environment. This could occur through the development of a new technology that permits the creation of some new or differentiated product, or through the adoption of a new process that improves efficiency. In either case, the availability of people with the right skills is a key factor, and they have to be in the right location. The analysis carried out, of various clusters of job types involving engineering and technology, indicated significant unmet demand in a range of occupations relevant to the concept of absorptive capacity. Clearly this is immediately relevant to my discussion of the potential situation in Suffolk, which shows exactly how this may come about, causing significant problems for the organisations involved.

However, contained within all these people I’m referring to are a class that are under-represented across almost all the STEM professions: women. 9% is not enough, was the clarion call of the Institution of Engineers and Technologists, a short while ago, highlighting the desperately low numbers of women amongst their members. It may have crept up a little since then. Computing and Physics likewise have few women progressing up the career ladder. The problems start early, essentially from birth, with stereotyped attitudes apparent in everything from toy advertisements to clothing. Children pick up social cues from a really early age, even if they are non-verbal, and T shirts that stress Love for girls, but say Adventure is out there for boys – of course appropriately coloured in pink and blue respectively – convey a message that’s easily internalised.

There is much society can do to change these stereotypes, and it needs all of us to do our bit. I’m sufficiently frustrated by the situation, which I have watched over the past 50+ years as I have moved up the academic Physics ladder, always in a minority, often uncomfortably so, that I have just written a book, published last month, called Not just for the boys: Why we need more women in science. As I say in my preface

“It is not a book written solely for women, to help them understand the hurdles they face or might face if they enter the STEM professions. Crucially it is also written for men to read and consider their own actions: how these may be influencing the women they work with, what they might do to improve the work environment for all, and how they personally can support women’s progression. Furthermore, it is not a book written solely for the practising or would-be scientist, but also for parents, policymakers, and employers, whose decisions impact on how girls make disciplinary choices from an early age and what atmosphere they subsequently encounter at university and in the workforce.”

Young girls trying to decide what choices to make about GCSEs or A Levels have to do this at an age when peer pressure is most significant. If they are told – by family, teachers, their contemporaries or through the media, social or otherwise, that it is a bit odd to want to be an engineer, the impact on the choices they make may be substantial. The numbers of girls taking Physics A Level has hovered stubbornly around or just over 20% ever since the time it was removed as a requirement for Medical School decades ago. Decisions based on that message of stereotype and bias is manifest.

Last year the Commons Science and Technology Committee ran an enquiry into Diversity and Inclusion in STEM. As ever, they called multiple witnesses, one of whom was Katharine Birbalsingh, head teacher of a successful secondary school in North London.

She said “physics isn’t something that girls tend to fancy. They don’t want to do it, they don’t like it,” and went on to say “I just think they don’t like it. There’s a lot of hard maths in there that I think they would rather not do”. And when pressed “The research generally, the people say.. that that’s just a natural thing…I’m not an expert at that kind of thing”. In reality, that isn’t what the experts say, and she clearly had never stopped to wonder why only 16% of A-level physics students at her school were girls, a figure significantly lower than the national average of 23%. Analysis done by the Institute of Physics indicates that girls in single sex schools – state or private – are 2-3 times more likely to progress to Physics A Level than in coeducational ones. To my mind, that says it isn’t a case of girls not liking Physics, it is that something in the school environment that causes the discouragement. One can argue what precisely that is: teachers, boys in the classroom or more nebulous but pervasive attitudes which make no attempt to counter stereotypes, but it strikes me as insufficient to say simply that ‘it’s natural’.

The upshot of attitudes like this is that the engineering profession, indeed all the physical and technical sectors, are losing out on a significant proportion of 50% of the population. This matters because these people are anyhow in short supply, as I’ve spelled out. Equally, it matters because girls are losing out on careers that might have been just what they are looking for, and our society loses out too. As I put it in my book

“science is done best when it is approached from as many different angles as possible. Following in a straight line, directly on from what has gone before, may lead to new insights but equally may fall into what one might term ‘group-think’ and be little more than incremental science. Diversity of views—just like diversity in the Board Room—tends to lead to more novelty, creativity and innovation. A US study on PhD recipients and their dissertations across three decades, found demographically underrepresented students innovated at higher rates than majority students, but their novel contributions were discounted and less likely to earn them academic positions.”

Innovation, that key word again. If we are to deliver novel technologies, improve our health and well-being, move to a net zero-carbon economy and ensure that everyone has clean water and sufficient food, there is a lot of innovation to be done. A diverse pool of workers will approach a new problem with a diverse range of perspectives, allowing lateral thinking as opposed to the usually fatal group-think. Of course, this applies to any kind of minority perspective, be it from a different culture or ethnic background, be it arising from some sort of disability or a socio-economically deprived background. All these are relevant, but it is the 50% of the population who are women who have been most studied in relation to the STEM subjects and who we are losing in unacceptably high proportions from the talent pool.

Of course, it isn’t just about getting women into Physics A Level that matters, although that impacts on choices around engineering, it is making sure they get onto all the relevant courses that currently are overwhelmingly populated by men. One of the most successful apprenticeship schemes in the country is that run by the Advanced Manufacturing Research Centre in Rotherham, attached to Sheffield University. When I last heard, they were only able to attract 7% of young women onto their courses, despite their best endeavours, a far worse percentage than on A Level Physics courses. Girls, unfortunately, are too often persuaded to head off to hair dressing or retail. It’s back to stereotyping and the messages received from the world around them.

However, let me now turn to the case of what happens once a woman does start on a STEM career. As with so many professions, it turns out the field is far from level. Sadly, I have plenty of personal experience of this, albeit I think I have been very fortunate in my sponsors and mentors and have not had the misfortune to be sexually assaulted or particularly badly harassed. Nevertheless, like many another woman, I have felt bias. In general – although I’m sure not always – this has acted against me.

I, like many others, may not always have been aware when that bias impacted. When I was mid-career  – and in my case that was when I was already a professor and an FRS, a Fellow of the Royal Society – was actually when things were worst. Many women find the harassment more of a problem in early years, but at that stage I found people were willing to accept me more than later. It was as if I became some kind of threat. My own field of physics, soft matter physics looking at the everyday world rather than the cosmos or searching for the Higgs Boson, perhaps also offered itself to hostility. When I talked about my research on starch, I was challenged that this was just domestic science, mere cookery. This happened to me after I’d given an invited talk at a conference, when a senior scientist in the field seemed to think it would be funny to make a mockery of my science in the bar after the conference dinner. I guess his inhibitions were reduced due to the alcohol he had consumed. He was vile and eventually, having patiently tried to explain to him why what I did was entirely proper physics, I walked out. Apparently his diatribe continued to my male colleague after I’d gone, with him expressing the view that ‘it must be awful to work with a woman like that’.

Although at the time I thought this was a uniquely personal attack, it seems that women speakers in the academic world are far more likely to be interrupted during their talks, and to receive hostile comments, not to mention comments relating to their appearance more than the content of their science. This also applies to women who try to use podcasts or, even more, videos to reach out to the public, with sometimes vicious comments appearing online, including via social media. It is hard for women to put themselves publicly out there, to share their science or to act as role models, if all they get is abuse.

However, in my case there were two positive aspects of that episode in the bar. First, my male colleague had not just been collared afterwards to be told how awful I was, but had also heard the whole thing. He was able to reassure me the next day that, no, I hadn’t brought it on myself. Victims often believe, somehow, they deserve the hostility – something too commonly true in the much worse situation of domestic abuse – and he was able to reassure me that this was not so. That helped me come to terms with the situation. But, secondly, together we wrote to the organisers of the meeting, which at the time was trying to make itself more inclusive and get a larger number of women to attend, pointing out the unacceptable behaviour of this senior scientist. The organiser acted and the man never received another invitation to attend. Too often organisers or institutions look the other way and I’m very grateful that my concerns were acted upon. The stories one hears of HR failing to deal with bullying and harassment in universities are harrowing but only too common. Because I speak up about these issues, for instance on my personal blog, I find people write to me quite often sharing their experiences, although there is little I can do.

As I say, at the time, 20 or more years ago, I thought this was something that I uniquely had been subjected to. But no, this is commonplace. It’s just the same as the shouts I used to receive as a child when I walked to school from builders, for instance ‘cheer up, it may never happen’. For years I internalised this as meaning I had a particularly dreary face and there was something wrong with me. You only have to read Laura Bates or other columnists and authors to realise that this is simply a ubiquitous kind of ‘joke’ that is directed at many women, perhaps all.

Something similar goes on with systemic issues within our universities when it comes to recruitment, promotion, salaries, space allocations, in fact anything that might be tied into what you might call status. I know it was at this mid-career stage in my life, when I was in my mid-late 40s, that I felt my voice did not get heard. I was, as it were, a senior professor, yet others were the ones whose words carried weight. Again, I thought this meant there was something wrong with me. I wasn’t sufficiently persuasive, I couldn’t marshall arguments as well as they could, or perhaps simply that I wasn’t deserving. Then, in 1999, a colleague at MIT, the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, sent me a report they had produced on what they called the ‘Status of Women in Science’. I found it deeply dispiriting because, for the first time I realised this wasn’t about me. This was systemic. MIT had sat down and looked into quantitative and qualitative measures of their female faculty in the sciences. As the then President of MIT put it

“I learned two particularly important lessons from this report and from discussions while it was being crafted. First, I have always believed that contemporary gender discrimination within universities is part reality and part perception. True, but I now understand that reality is by far the greater part of the balance. Second, I, like most of my male colleagues, believe that we are highly supportive of our junior women faculty members. This also is true. They generally are content and well supported in many, though not all dimensions. However, I sat bolt upright in my chair when a senior woman, who has felt unfairly treated for some time, said “‘I also felt very positive when I was young.”

That entirely mirrored my own perceptions. When a young member of faculty I was treated well. Indeed, as the first woman in my department to be appointed to the permanent staff as a lecturer, who had consequently been the first female lecturer in the department to have a baby – in fact I had been pregnant when I took up my appointment, although even I did not know that at the time – I had felt entirely supported. People seemed rather proud they had managed to appoint a woman and a woman who was starting a family too. But by now, as a professor, as someone who had risen above zsome of them by being elected at a rather young age to the national academy, well now they didn’t feel at all supportive. Just the same as Nancy Hopkins, a highly successful biologist at MIT who had started the study into the situation there had found.

Yet, nearly 25 years later, we still don’t seem capable of recognizing systemic bias, or at least not to the extent of doing enough to eradicate it. I should stress, this is not me having a go at the men in the audience; women show all the same signs of bias that men do. A much-reported study looked into how male and female faculty reacted to fictitious CVs supposedly from someone wanting to apply for a lab manager post. The CVs were identical except some were sent under a female name and some under a man’s. The man was far more likely to be offered the job, with on average a higher salary and, to my mind surprisingly, even more offers of mentoring. Men and women were just as prone to this kind of bias. Similar studies have shown that if names suggesting different ethnicities as well as male or female are used instead there is a clear pecking order in which people will be preferred for a given role, with white men coming out at the top of the pile, whatever that pile may consist of.

Now for the engineers and scientists in the audience, let me use a different kind of control study, which amounts to a striking example of a woman scientist’s experience and the equivalent control experiment for a man. You may wonder how you can provide an appropriate male control to match against a woman, the answer is—find a transgender scientist. The late American neurobiologist Ben Barres, born Barbara, is a striking example. I find his story compelling as evidence that bias against women lurks in many dark corners. After transitioning at the age of 40, he remarked: ‘Shortly after I changed sex, a faculty member was heard to say: ‘Ben Barres gave a great seminar today, but then his work is much better than his sister’s.’ Same person, same science, different verdict solely because of the change of gender.

Bias lurks in many parts of our system, in ways that may seem mysterious and in ways that need further investigation. I am always struck by a quote from Goethe which plays out in this sphere. Two hundred years ago, this German author and poet wrote, in a very different context, “Girls we love for what they are; young men for what they promise to be’. In other words, we are prone to give men the benefit of the doubt but not women. How does this translate in practice in an engineering sphere? I saw it play out in a committee judging individuals for a sort of promotion. Two candidates were considered in the list who had patents to their name. Of the man it was sufficient to note that he had patents; this was taken as proof of his competence. But for the woman, further questions were asked. Had the patents been put into practice and made any money? One of the committee members, a man as it happened, noticed this double standard and the additional questions were scrapped.

Double standards can be hard to spot. What made this particularly tricky in this case is that these two candidates were well separated in the list being worked down. The double standard could so easily have been missed, but it taught me an object lesson to look out for this sort of thing which I hadn’t previously appreciated. I’ve seen equivalent practice on other committees.

I could bore you with many similar examples of systemic bias but I won’t. I’ll merely point you in the direction of my book, which I may as well plug: I believe it will be on sale afterwards and I’ll be happy to sign copies. The point is no one is consciously trying to act in a biased way, but again our stereotypes, our cultural norms and values, seem to make them crop up all over the place.

So, if we are to do the most innovative work, if we are to ensure our economy recovers, we need to think a lot harder about how our collective actions deter a large proportion of the population. Not just women, but that is the group I have studied most closely.

If we, as a society, are to solve the multiple problems we face where science and technology are crucial, and if we are not going to sleep walk into disasters, be they arising from climate change or AI or wherever, we need to make sure we have the talent we need, whatever part of the population it is to come from, and that they are able to access the skills training and education they need. We have a long way to go.

 

Posted in Engineering Professors Council, Hereford, innovation, Not just for the boys, Science Culture, skills, Women in science | Comments Off on Innovation: New ideas and New people

Pecking Orders Aren’t All They Seem

The term, pecking order, may have been coined in relation to poultry, the office boy kicking the cat clearly fits more into the domain of offices, but we all recognize the tendency to know one’s place in a hierarchy and hence know who can be (literally or metaphorically) sworn at with probable impunity. But sometimes the hierarchy is much more subtle and in the eyes of the beholder as much as in reality. That doesn’t stop it being felt very firmly.

When I went to the USA with my freshly minted PhD, completed almost exactly within 3 years – much more common then – I was a mere 24. I went to join a department where many of the students took 5-7 years to complete their thesis. They were older and far more knowledgeable due to all those extra years doing both taught courses and research. I did not feel in any sense higher up the pecking order, just somewhat embarrassed. I was taught the tools I needed (making silver bicrystals with carefully controlled relative misorientations) by an undergraduate who was employed to do some of the lab grunt work to help pay her way through her courses. Leaving aside the fact that, recently arrived as I was, I found her Californian accent almost incomprehensible, she taught me what I needed to know (albeit this postdoctoral position led me absolutely nowhere as the research simply did not work out). Did all those long-serving PhD students think I was higher in the pecking order as a postdoc? Somehow, I actually doubt it in this particular situation.

When I swapped to work with another professor a couple of years into my stay in the USA, within weeks my research was flourishing and I leapfrogged over another postdoc of much longer standing to be the person who led group meetings when my professor was away. I felt very uncomfortable about this. My guess is that this particularly laid back guy was indifferent, but we never discussed it although I shared an office with him. The students – some of whom were probably still older than me – didn’t seem to object to it either.

So, from my early experiences, hierarchies seem to be fairly fluid, not with the rigidity of some places of work. But the higher up the greasy academic pole one climbs, the more confusing it gets, certainly within Cambridge. Everyone arrives here with their own anxieties about how they will fit in. The Fellow of Trinity who, after a half century in the College, still feels he doesn’t fit in as he wasn’t an undergraduate in that college. The young professor from outside who is parachuted in from Europe to kick start a new research activity in the face of some opposition from the old guard, each of whom have years more experience both of research and Cambridge. The senior professor who still resents the fact that a colleague had once had some good fortune come their way when they did not. Not exactly about pecking orders as such, but certainly about interpersonal tensions, which erupt at unexpected moments. Typically, I fear, when money is involved.

As a head of house – the collective name for heads of colleges, to avoid distinguishing Masters from Provosts, Presidents, Principles, Wardens and so on – I am very conscious that some of my colleagues have come with amazing track records. I am giving nothing away when I mention that one (Lord Simon McDonald at Christs) has not only had a stellar career with the Foreign Office, but also had an important recent role to play in the (first) resignation of Boris Johnson and the later downfall of Dominic Raab. Another (Sir Laurie Bristow at Hughes Hall) was a career diplomat who had the unenviable task of overseeing the evacuation of Afghanistan in 2021. To listen to him talk about it is to make this particular head of house feel very inadequate, my life experiences seem so shallow and insignificant. Then we have the leaders from media, such as Roger Mosey (Selwyn) who, amongst other roles at the BBC, oversaw their coverage of the 2012 London Olympics that entertained so many of us. Or Dorothy Byrne (Murray Edwards) who came from being Head of News and Current Affairs at Channel 4, where she oversaw many hard-hitting programmes.

I am also conscious – particularly when it comes to those who’ve worked in the civil service, but also more genearlly – how much more formal training they receive compared with a mere academic. Perhaps the University once offered me a course in change management, but if they did it passed me by, so the language familiar to those properly trained tends to make me very conscious how much my education in that area is defective. But my feelings of inadequacy are simply reflecting the pecking order, as it were, in that dimension. There are many dimensions which impact each and every one of us. For all I know others feel inadequate because I can talk knowledgeably about soft matter physics. It has to be said, however, that other than when trying to explain to someone what my research was all about and how it relates to the food we may at that moment be eating, this is a topic less likely to come up in casual conversation or formal meetings with other heads of house than change management or leadership.

That 31 colleges have 31 very different heads of house coming from many different walks of life (and Churchill College is, at the moment, in the process of choosing my successor to start in autumn 2024) is, of course, a strength when it comes to our collective brains. Diversity in this space, as in any other, is a positive. We don’t all approach a problem the same way, be it connected with student well-being or how to handle new government legislation, and that has to be a benefit to the whole university community.

Pecking orders are all very well if your internal structures are rigidly hierarchical, but for most of us in academia we each bring different strengths which we need to bring to the table, be it for research or running an institution of any sort or size. When feeling dismayed that Dr X seems so knowledgeable about something which is a closed book to you, remember that Dr X may similarly be intimidated by you when you’re discussing your own speciality.

Posted in Cambridge, Dorothy Byrne, heads of house, intimidation, Laurie Bristow, Roger Mosey, Science Culture, Simon McDonald | Comments Off on Pecking Orders Aren’t All They Seem

What Should I Say to my Kids?

As well as attending the Hay Literary Festival, I’ve been involved with a number of interviews and podcasts over the last couple of weeks relating to the publication of my book Not Just for the Boys: Why we need more women in science. I’ve been asked essentially the same question a couple of times, one I haven’t had posed before: if a parent was themselves no good at maths, what should they say if their own child is struggling? At Hay, this question arose because I expressed frustration when mothers give off the message to their daughters that it’s OK to be no good at maths because they never had been. This gave rise to the challenge of what should a mum who herself couldn’t do maths say to her 10-year-old child.

On Radio Cambridgeshire, when I’d had a bit longer to think about this but more or less the same question was put to me, I said that it ought to be possible to differentiate between any individual not themselves being good at a subject (any subject, not just maths) and it intrinsically being difficult. Although I didn’t say this on air, I think this is where cultivating a growth mindset – as opposed to a fixed mindset (terms introduced by Carol Dweck) – may be helpful. The message that a child who is struggling has no hope of improving would tally with the latter categorisation, but giving them a belief that with work and attention they could certainly get better at the subject aligns with the former. Practice makes perfect. Maybe they will never be a budding mathematician, but that is rather different from being enumerate and closing their mind off to the idea that maths can be both useful and fun in their daily life.

So many of the attitudes pupils have to different subjects will be driven by the messages they receive from teachers, parents and the whole spectrum of the media. Tell a child they are rubbish at something – as my French teacher did regarding my accent at the end of a single year of learning French – and they may give up. I know in my case I simply stopped trying to improve how I spoke, despite the fact I was perfectly competent at written French. I remember the conversation vividly, despite it being more than half a century ago. How many children up and down the land are put off arithmetic and later maths because of an unthinking sentence or two, possibly even one that was well-intentioned.

At Hay I encouraged the mother to work with her child, both to help the daughter but possibly also rebuild her own confidence. That is something that would be harder to do with an older child for most parents who had previously struggled, let alone by A Level, but still they can admit their own failings without wishing the same on their children. The BBC interviewer tried to draw me out further, describing a situation when the parent is feeling grumpy and pressed for time (a not infrequent state of mind for many a parent after all), but that really shouldn’t need to change the basic message a parent can give: maths is important, can be fun and there is no need for you to be bad at it just because I was.

Clearly how the question should be addressed will depend on the age of the child, but almost at any age a schoolchild is going to have to get to grips with money (perhaps less obviously so now so much is paid for virtually) so that is probably a good place to start: be it pocket money or, at a later age, how compound interest impacts on the mortgage payments and how important it is to be able to budget. The kitchen is another place where everything from fractions to weights come into play. But at any age it ought to be possible to combine the messages that maths is useful and it can be fun to play around with numbers, even while admitting that the parent found and finds it non-straightforward.  Children do know their parents aren’t perfect and probably are capable of working out, from quite an early age, that they often live by the ‘do what I say not what I do’ motto.

The trouble is maths is one of those subjects where intrinsic brilliance is assumed to be needed by far too many people. I’ve written previously about the links that have been established between the numbers of women pursuing PhDs in a particular subject (both STEM and non-STEM) and how people consider that subject in terms of this intrinsic brilliance. Physics, philosophy and economics all fit into this category of few women alongside an assumption that brilliance is needed for success in them, as well as maths. I discussed the topic with my Churchill College colleague Diane Coyle in a podcast earlier this year, and she and I will be joining forces to continue the dialogue with Tabitha Goldstaub at an event in Cambridge this coming November.

The message that certain subjects are inherently more difficult than others is one that baffles me. We each have different skills and interests, driven by a multitude of factors of which we are in general unaware. If maths seems a painful black box, it may be because of how it has been taught rather than because of an intrinsic difficulty or personal stupidity. Some children will cope well with rote learning – which was how I was taught my times tables, a method which certainly enabled them to be firmly embedded in my brain – but others need to understand what is going on before their memory will take over. No one regards reading as requiring brilliance, but some children fare better under a system of phonics than others (and this is an approach that appears to go in and out of fashion in English schools). Although most people become fluent readers, a depressingly high number remain functionally illiterate because they never gained confidence in the basics for whatever reason. Yet a politician will not be standing up saying it’s OK not to be able to read.

Other cultures pay different levels of attention to numeracy. Somehow, our country remains stuck in a mindset where being bad at maths is something to laugh about rather than weep, yet – as clearly our current Prime Minister understands – being comfortable with numbers matters ever more in 21st century life.

 

Posted in education, Equality, Hay Festival, Maths, parents, School, Women in science | Comments Off on What Should I Say to my Kids?

High Anxiety

I have been hesitant about posting this, mostly because it’s really nobody’s business but my own. Over the past few months my lifelong on-off war with depression has hit a rough patch. I’ve had to cancel travel, both abroad, and to the Hay Festival where I was supposed to have been an attraction. My posts on social media and on this blog have dwindled to almost nothing. People have begun to notice – well, two people have, and kindly sent notes of concern (thank you — you know who you are). So that’s what prompted me to write.

As a Veteran of the Psychic Wars I have been on all the -ins and -ines at one time or another, and a couple of the -ams and even an -ole. Mianserin, right at the beginning, now only used as horse tranquillisers I suspect. Then (in no particular order, as they say on the game shows), citalopram, sertraline and mirtazapine, culminating in venlafaxine. I have probably forgotten a few. Venlafaxine  worked beautifully for a decade, until the day came when it didn’t. Then came the long, exhausting and occasionally frightening period of coming off one drug and transitioning onto another. So, for a few months I was on vortioxetine, which wasn’t as good as venlafaxine has been, so had to be propped up with aripiprazole, which screwed me down flat.

This clearly couldn’t go on, so for the second time in less than a year (under medical supervision I might add) I had to undergo the whole wearisome process of coming off aripirpazole, then coming off vortioxetine (hey, I hope you are both following this) and starting a new drug, duloxetine, progressing in increments to successively higher doses. The entire process took more than a month — most of April and May.

Transitioning from one drug to another is not a process I’d recommend to anyone, though I suspect it’s a whole lot better than cold turkey. Throughout the process I have been seized by constant anxiety. I have nothing in particular to be anxious about, but I had all the physical symptoms — fight-or-flight, panic, sweaty palms, constantly wanting to visit the loo. I used to make light of anxiety — but no longer. It was entirely debilitating. The worst thing was that there is nothing I could do except endure it. It was like having a constant nagging dental pain in the mind. Throughout it all my family, colleagues and pets have been wonderfully supportive, and I can only imagine the hell that people with anxiety suffer if they are alone.

By complete coincidence this period of transition overlapped with Mental Health Awareness Week, the theme of which this year was anxiety. I read the advice on how to cope with anxiety and took the tips. I am very lucky that I live in a lovely part of the world, and it’s spring, so I am able to go for long walks in the woods with my dogs. I can’t stress enough how therapeutic it is to take exercise, and also get out in the natural environment. I have been doing a lot of cooking, which I enjoy. I have also coped by working fanatically hard to take my mind off my own internal state, both at the day job (by day I am with the Submerged Log Company), and also researching for and writing my next book.

I am now nearing the end of the transition — nearly a week now on the full dose of duloxetine — and the anxiety has almost gone. There is still some lingering depression. I have a library of books I don’t care to read; a rack of musical instruments I can’t be bothered to play; and a garden full of weeds I can’t be bothered to clear. Life — just the ordinary process of living — takes effort. But at least I can now envisage the possibility that these feelings will pass.

It’s a salutary thought that nobody really knows how antidepressants work. Psychiatry is still very much in the leeches-and-bloodletting phase. You just have to try one drug, or another, in what my son describes as the ‘throw-wet-spaghetti-against-the-wall-and-see-if-it-sticks’ method. But they do work, somehow, and I try not be frightened by the fact that for my whole adult life I have been dependent on, and cannot function without, powerful chemicals that do who-knows-what to my brain.

So now you know. I guess it’s the way I am made. And as someone said in a song, I am what I am — I don’t want praise, I don’t want pity. But next time someone ignores you, or is a bit crotchety, or cries off some engagement, remember that they might be suffering — really suffering — from pains you can neither see nor imagine.

Posted in anxiety, depression, mental health awareness week | Comments Off on High Anxiety