LOLs from my father

My Dad’s always a good source of entertainment, but he’s really outdone himself this week. I don’t know if it’s the Christmas spirit or some other kind of spirit, but his emails and phone calls have been full of gems recently…

———————


We went to [Mum’s former school] Carol Service at the Minster last night. It was excellent:


Girl 1 (Narrator) – “And Mary was sorely troubled”
Girl 2 (Mary) – “I am sorely troubled”
Boy (Gabriel) – “Do not be troubled”


No-one else seemed to think it was a comedy”

———————

“Canadian politics has been very boring lately, you lot haven’t had an election in months. What happened? Did you decide you like that bastard, what’s his name, your useless prime minister, after all?”

———————

Dad: “Where’s that bastard you live with? I have an ice hockey question for him”
Me: “Hang on, I’ll get him”
Dad: “Hello, colonial bastard!”
Mr E Man: “Hello, imperialist bastard!”
Dad: “Right, so I saw five minutes of ice hockey highlights on the news yesterday and I have a question. What, exactly, is the strategic advantage of taking your gloves off and repeatedly punching the other team’s player in the helmet?”
Mr E Man: “There’s really no good explanation for that kind of behaviour”
Dad: “They had sticks, and there was some kind of black thing on the ice. I hear they use those things in between fights, is this true?”

———————

“It’s our turn to run the pub quiz next month. Here’s a question for you: which Championship team is top of the league despite being full of useless overpaid wankers? 

There’ll be a bonus point if anyone can explain how this is happening. No-one will win the bonus point”.

———————

“Stop playing the science card! It’s not fair when you know things that we don’t and use them to win arguments!”


———————

“Now, Catherine, tell the truth. Are you, or are you not, sleeping with Tiger Woods?”

Posted in Canada, family, politics, science, silliness, sport | 13 Comments

Cuba: Chan Chan and other songs

This is the song “Chan Chan”, from the Buena Vista Social Club album.

It’s good, eh?

This is just as well, because we heard it an average of twice a day on our two week trip.

The music was one of the things I was most looking forward to before we flew to Cuba, and I was not disappointed. Music was everywhere – you couldn’t step into a cafe, bar, museum, rest stop or onto a beach without there being at least one live band.

And almost every single one – literally, every band we saw except for maybe four – played Chan Chan.

They each had their own version, of course, and different instrumentation, ranging from the standard guitar + mini guitar + drums to full seven piece bands with a stand up bass and a trumpet. And Chan Chan was the only song that they all had in common – we heard a wide variety of other songs from a multitude of genres, from rock to salsa to rumba to jazz. The quality of the musicianship was outstanding – even when the genre wasn’t really what I wanted to hear (e.g. the band at a rooftop bar overlooking the Caribbean, who played covers of old-school Western rock songs), the musicians were wonderful.

It would have been nice to enjoy this Caribbean sunset to the sound of Cuban jazz, rather than “Back in the USSR”.

Well, with one exception.

The music scene in Cienfuegos was not exactly hopping on a Sunday or Monday night, but we did manage to find one bar with a stage and speakers set up.  We grabbed a table and some mojitos, and waited expectantly.

The first people onto the stage were dancers. Four women, two in dresses and two dressed as male matadors, painted-on mustaches and all. Some pop music started to blare from the speakers, and they began their dance.

Now, I’m no dance expert. But to my eye, the four dancers were reasonably competent – as individuals. But their coordination with each other? Off by miles.

As the music switched to a flamenco pastiche featuring a drum machine and synth, the dancers effected a hasty costume change into flamenco dresses (the mustaches remained intact), and were suddenly joined by a singer.

He wore a garish purple tracksuit, and had a mullet.

What he lacked in musical talent (and that was a lot), he made up for in showmanship. Grand sweeping arm movements aplenty were proffered to the adoring crowd of his friends and family at the front, and at the climax of the first song, he sank to his knees as he belted out the final words like a drunken Glaswegian at karaoke.

Our new German friend turned to us and said, “we have come to the most musical country in the world. But we have found the worst musician in Cuba”.

Mullet Man aside, though, the music was the thing I missed the most when we came back home to rainy grey Vancouver. On my first day back at work, I went to my favourite sandwich shop, and was quite perturbed when there was no band to serenade me.

Luckily, we came back home with several new CDs in our luggage. Every band sells their own discs, and we traded CDs for either cash or the packs of guitar strings we’d taken with us (a tip from a friend who’s a musician and had visited Cuba before). Strings being hard to come by in Cuba, this went down very well indeed. One musician in Trinidad, a troubador named Israel Moreno, asked Mr E Man if he’d brought the strings because he played guitar himself. “No, but my wife does”, replied that traitor. So Israel handed me his beaten up guitar, with rusty strings and every fret scooped out by years of playing, and asked me to play.

Like, in front of people!

I did very, very badly.

Mr E Man was very, very amused. (And got in lots of trouble, I can assure you).

Israel Moreno and the guitar I tried to play. He was very encouraging and said I just need to practice more. I agree.

But I came back with more than CDs. My experience in Cuba has inspired to pick up my poor neglected guitar much more often than I have in the last couple of years.

Guitar strings: $9.99 a set.
Tips: 1 Convertible Peso per band
Inspiration: priceless.

Posted in music, photos, travel, videos | 6 Comments

Cuba: Trinidad

Trinidad is a town on the South coast of Cuba, a couple of hours by bus from Cienfuegos. Our new German and Israeli buddies from the El Nicho trip were on the same bus, which made it even more fun than usual as we passed donkey carts and classic cars, seeing glimpses of the blue Caribbean through the hills.

The bus creaked and groaned as it pulled into town, barely squeezing through the narrow cobbled streets. We were met at the bus station by the Casa Particular owners, and followed them to another gorgeous high ceilinged old house, with antique telescopes and barometers in the main room and a beautiful inner courtyard with an old well and lots of shady plants. Our room was just off the courtyard, and (hooray!) had a reasonably comfortable bed – although our attempts at sleeping were interrupted by one very loud and persistent cricket!

We set off immediately to explore this beautiful town. Another UNESCO world heritage site, it was simply gorgeous. We wandered the back streets for a while, getting brief glimpses into some of the homes, and even finding a woodwork shop. Mr E Man spent a very happy half hour comparing techniques with his fellow carpenters in a mixture of Spanglish and hand gestures! Mr E Man has been buying antique carpentry tools from eBay, saying that the quality of the steel for the price is much better than modern tools, and he was just in heaven in this shop. He said he was very impressed with the products they were making with such old-fashioned equipment.

Stopping every so often for a drink in a bar, accompanied by bands invariably playing the best music we heard in Cuba, we gradually made our way around the main sights.

We’d taken some pens, pencils, paper, and other school supplies with us, and went into a primary school on our second day to donate them. The school was pretty basic, and they were very glad to receive some extra supplies, but the kids were great – noisy and energetic, in the good way! Their volleyball court and football field need some work though.


The nightlife in Trinidad was much more happening than in Cienfuegos, and we spent many happy hours in various music venues listening to excellent Cuban jazz, rumba, and an amazing display of Santeria drumming and dancing, outside on the cobbled steps leading up to the church.

The only problem with Trinidad is that it’s a small town, where tourism is the only real industry. Unlike industrial Cienfuegos, or the busy capital city of Habana, hustling tourists is the best source of income for a lot of people. We seriously couldn’t walk for more than thirty seconds without being offered cigars, or a meal, or rum, or a taxi, or a necklace, or soft currency in exchange for hard. And these people were persistent, unlike in the other cities, where a smile and a “sorry, I don’t smoke” or “sorry, we’ve already had dinner” were enough to discourage your new friend. These guys did not want to take no for an answer – although it was always done with a friendly smile! Even in the museums and art gallery, we were followed around by employees trying to sell us something or other. One walk up a hill to an old ruined church was like running the gauntlet; people asked us for our clothes, our shoes, the address of our Casa so they could come by and get our other clothes from us, all that. We handed out candy to a couple of kids, and suddenly found ourselves swarmed by about twenty of them! We spent about half an hour or so talking to one group of women about what their lives were like and what they needed; thank goodness for Mr E Man being able to speak some Spanish, as he explained that no, we weren’t going to give up our shoes, because it would be very very cold when we got back to Canada! He also explained that we’d given supplies to the school, and a laptop to the University*, and we were sympathetic to them, but wanted to keep our clothes… but here, take all the coins we have.

When we talked to the Casa owner, she said that tourism has been both a blessing and a curse. Lots of money now comes into the town – but only to the people who have direct contact with the tourists. The other residents are very envious of their fellow citizens who have access to the tourists and their hard currency, and many people have quit productive and useful jobs as they can make more money selling black market cigars to tourists. She told us “people here need many things”. “Food?” asked Mr E Man. “No, we have enough food. People need the things they see that the tourists have, the nice clothes, the nice shoes, the jewelry”.

As much as I can understand the impulse to hustle the wealthy foreigners, the constant barrage was exhausting. We escaped back to our Casa’s courtyard a few times each day, and on the third day we decided to get out of town and head to the beach 6 km away for a swim in the Caribbean. It was warmer than the Atlantic side, but without the big fun waves to play in. But the change of pace and relaxation were a lovely way to spend our last “proper” day in Cuba, before taking the Saturday bus back to Varadero for an early morning flight on Sunday.

———————–
*about four years ago now, our old laptop died. Three years old and completely stone cold dead. A friend gave us $20 for it so he could use it for parts. Then, in September of this year, he gave it back to us, fixed – once inside, he’d discovered the real source of the problem, which was much easier to repair than he’d thought. Of course by then we’d replaced the laptop with a desktop PC and MacTavish, and had no need for the old laptop. So we took it with us to Cuba and gave it to the University opposite the primary school we’d visited. Given that internet connections are thin on the ground in Cuba, it really had to go to someone who already had a connection set up – and we saw someone using a PC in the front office of the University. When we told them we had a gift for them and opened up the bag, we first pulled out the remaining New Scientist magazines we still had, and they started to thank us profusely. When we handed over the laptop… well, it was a good feeling!

Posted in photos, travel | 4 Comments

I wish all meetings could be like my last one

Purpose of meeting: to discuss the format and content of a progress report, due on December 30th.

  • I arrived a few minutes late as the elevators were all messed up and I don’t have access to the stairs in that building. BUT I was still the first one there.
  • The next two people to show up were happy to talk about turduckens and Christmas geese instead of project milestones.
  • Then we had a very satisfying argument about the Copenhagen talks.
  • Then the PI showed up and announced that he’d just taken another look at the dates covered by the report, and the dates of all project milestones.

Conclusion of meeting: no report needed

  • So we all sat around and compared holiday plans, and talked about skiing.
  • Then the receptionist gave me some gingerbread on my way out.
Posted in career, food glorious food | 2 Comments

Man the ramparts!

I saw this NIH funding opportunity announcement pop up in my RSS feed just now, and had a flashback to the joys of hall of residence1 dining during my first year of undergrad.
Specifically, using a canteen tray2 to protect myself from the mashed potato being hurled by the drunken agrics3 at the next table.

1 or “dormitory”, for those of the North American persuasion

2 may or may not have also been appropriated for tobogganing down the big hill on the Town Moor in winter

3 Agricultural science students. Infamous at Newcastle University, and usually banned from the Student Union building by the end of the first week of term. The term “drunken agric” is actually a tautology.

Posted in Uncategorized | 16 Comments

Rock the vote!

Just a reminder that votes in the competition only count if they’re entered via the actual poll, in the top right sidebar, just under the kayak photo. If you left a comment saying who you were voting for, but didn’t click a button on the poll, you haven’t voted yet… and I know a few people hadn’t made up their minds and said they’d vote later. Don’t let holiday distractions make you forget!

Also, everyone should totally vote for my post in The Best Nature Network Blog Posts Ever Poll…Part 2. It had a photo and a statistics pun and everything. And I never make it into those Open Lab collections, so I need to win something, damnit!

Unless of course you’re one of the people who’s pissed off at not making the final 12 comments, in which case, please feel free to vote for all the other options instead 😉

Posted in competition, meta | 5 Comments

Actual conversation

Colleague 1: “What are you working on right now?”

Me: “A progress report for Dr. X”

Colleague 2: “I don’t think I know Dr. X, what does he look like?”

Me: (Thinks) “Harry Potter”

Colleague 1: “OHMYGODHETOTALLYDOES!!!”

Colleage 2: “Oh, that guy! Yeah, I know who he is!”

Posted in silliness | 12 Comments

The Time Traveller’s Grant

Spotted today on a progress report form:
“Date of Degree must be in the format MM/YYYY. Date Earned must be before 01/2050 and after 01/1900”.
Luckily, the PI did manage to get his MD within that date range.

Posted in Uncategorized | 12 Comments

Hockey Pool, Week 11

I made up one measly point on That Damn Alyssa this week.

Whoop-de-doo!

Posted in hockey pool 2009-2010 | 6 Comments

First Annual VWXYNot? Readers’ Choice Comment of the Year* Award!

It’s almost Christmas!

I’m feeling much warmer and fuzzier than normal about the whole thing this year, possibly because I essentially missed Christmas Day last time around (stoopid norovirus).

And what else makes me feel all warm and fuzzy?

My awesome commenters!

Seriously. I love you guys. You’re intelligent, insightful, supportive, funny, and sometimes very, very silly.  I’d like to buy you all a present… but sadly that’s not possible. So instead, I’d like to introduce the First Annual VWXYNot? Readers’ Choice Comment of the Year* Award!

I’ve gone through my bragging rights archives, made a long list (every single comment), and then a short list, before choosing my 12 all-time favourites. I am really, truly, sorry that I had to leave some awesome comments out, but really, asking you to chose between more than 12 would be a bit silly.

The 12 options are below in full, with links to the relevant post in case a bit of context is required! Please vote using the poll at the top of the right sidebar.

The Rules:

  1. Please vote only once each
  2. Please do not vote for your own comment!
  3. The votes will be tallied on December 31st 
  4. In the event of a tie, I will choose my favourite of the tied comments (I won’t vote otherwise)
  5. The winner will be formally announced when I get back from skiing on the 2nd or 3rd of January
  6. Prize: a virtual trophy you can display on your own blog if you so wish (I’m working on this!) AND an item of your choice from Amazon, up to CAD30 in value (not including shipping)

Have fun! And thank you again to everyone who commented this year. You’re all awesome.

The Comments (in strictly alphabetical order by name of commenter):

  1. Bob O’H for “I still think that if you’ve got a hockey pool, you’re doing something wrong. Like having the heating on too high.”
  2. EcoGeoFemme for “The problem with miracles is that it makes you question all the times when there isn’t a miracle.”
  3. Eva for “I mostly say “I’m not religious”, because I didn’t even learn the word “atheist” until I was 15 or so and thought “Oh! It has a NAME!”. As a kid I thought I had a religion that was called “public” because I went to “public school” and the “public library”.”
  4. Hermitage (1) for “When the ‘leader of the superpower of all time leader of the freeworld’ can’t tie his shoelaces without assistance and a boob grab, it makes everyone look fabulous in comparison. Further justification for charging George Bush with war crimes.”
  5. Hermitage (2) for “C’mon, you KNOW some halfwits are still going to wander over and ask you to preform secretarial duties under the pretense that PhD stands for Professional Help Desk.”
  6. Massimo for “At least you have never been told “What? Mah-see-moh? Oh, no, that’s too difficult for me, I’ll call you Moose, how’s that…”… “Yes, and I’ll call you Dick, how’s that ?” (Savannah, GA, circa 1988)”.
  7. Mermaid for “when the ‘Feed the World’ Christmas song came out all those years ago, my mom thought it was ‘Feed the Whales’ and was awfully confused as to why Christmas should matter to whales.”
  8. Microbiologist XX for “I got so distracted by the fact that I had fallen out of a sailboat that I forgot to leave my comment.”
  9. Nina for “I think it is not fair of them to ask for French, when Quebecois is a whole different language… I took Science-French with 3 Canadian girls and they spoke something more similar to arabic”
  10. Prof-like Substance for “I love the fact that the British invented Canada. Don’t you mean “asked Canada to grow up, get a job and stop living off its parents” in 1931?”
  11. Ricardipus for “You know, if homeopathy worked, you wouldn’t have to even open the bottle. Just drink a glass of lake/ocean/river/tap water – it should contain the memory of molecules of every medication ever used.There, cold sorted. ;)”
  12. Ruchi for “I don’t understand what is so awesome exactly about being in the presence of God. Intellectually, I understand that it’s like being in the presence of Barack Obama only better, but emotionally, I just don’t get it. :)”

———————-
*well, the period from October 3rd 2008 to now, because that’s how long I’ve been doing Bragging Rights Central. Next year’s award will cover a 12 month period.

Posted in competition, meta | 24 Comments