Back to school

Ah, September.
There’s a crispness in the air again, it’s time to scrump the apples hanging over the fence from the neighbour’s tree, and, of course, the kids are going back to school.
These days, the primary impact on my life is crowded buses and more near-death experiences with SUVs on the school run. But it’s also an excellent moment to finally get stuck into a series of blog posts I’ve been thinking about for months.
One of my recent posts may have given some readers the impression that I’m not a fan of the teaching profession. But really, nothing could be further from the truth. I’ve benefited immensely from knowing some wonderful teachers, and I’ve seen first hand just how demanding the job really is.
So, without further ado, here’s the first of a series of posts celebrating my favourite teachers.

Continue reading

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I supersized my beer, too

One litre of local microbrewed goodness

Posted in Uncategorized | 8 Comments

Supersize me!

It’s that time of year again.

Mid-August to mid-October is Big Canadian Grants time and, as usual, I’m feeling the pressure of deadlines and red tape.

I usually respond by increasing the number of cups of tea I drink each day.

But not this year!

I just bought a new cup.

We must, we must, we must increase our cup size!

Denial WIN! And, say what you want about Starbucks, but they sell the biggest mugs in town.

Sorry, Mermaid – I still love the Creativi-tea cup that you got me! I’m just using it for juice instead.

————–
p.s. my colleague said that my new mug was inappropriate for tea and should only be used for coffee.

“Because it says Starbucks Coffee on it?”

“No, because it’s brown. And coffee is brown.”

“So is tea!”

“No it isn’t!”

“It is in Britain!”

“It isn’t in China! And we invented it!”

“Well, we’re in Canada. Which the British invented.”

p.p.s. my other (British) colleague asked if I’ll be drinking from a bucket next year.

Posted in food glorious food, grant wrangling, photos, silliness | 13 Comments

Canadian Immigration: Part III

(This is a series of posts detailing my personal journey from work permit to Canadian citizenship. I’ve included as many details as I can remember. If you found this post using an internet search for Canadian immigration, or if you are a regular reader who is interested in moving to Canada, please bear in mind that things may have changed since I went through the system, and your situation may be completely different from my own. Please consult the Canadian government’s website for more information.)

See also:
Part I: the wilderness work permit years
Part II: resident, permanently

Part III: Citizen Cath

Many of my family and friends were astonished to learn that marrying Mr E Man didn’t get me automatic Canadian citizenship. In fact, as an existing permanent resident, obtaining a Canadian husband made absolutely no difference at all to my immigration status or timelines. As I mentioned in Part II, marriage (straight, gay, or common law) to a citizen does get non-permanent residents optional access to a faster and cheaper “sponsored” PR application process, but that’s it; all PRs who wish to become a citizen apply through the same process, and are subject to the same rules.

As soon as I decided to stay in Canada permanently, I knew I wanted to eventually become a citizen. First and foremost because I love this country and want to be a fully contributing member of its society. That means that I want to vote out the right wing bastards who ru(i)n this country AND this province. People fought long and hard for my right to vote, a right which is sadly granted to so few of the people who live (and have ever lived) on this planet. Besides, if you don’t vote, you don’t (or at least shouldn’t) get to complain about the government… I’ve voted in every British election for which I’ve been old enough and resident in the country* – general, local, Scottish, and European parliament elections – and have been incredibly frustrated at not having a say during my seven (and a half) years in Canada.

So that was my primary motivation, but there were others too. For example, I’ve always wanted a second passport; not only do I now get to avoid the old fingerprint/photograph/interrogation routine that I used to go through at the US border, it’s also really fucking cool. A recent rule change was another factor; PR cards are now required in order to enter the country, and the card has to be renewed every five years**, via the same rather frustrating process by which I replaced my stolen card after my honeymoon. So you really may as well apply for citizenship, and just renew your passport instead.

I also get to legitimately support a second team during the Olympics and other sporting events (-> more medals! w00t!).

This is not a decision that everyone can make so easily; the Canadian government allows dual citizenship, but some countries do not. This means that some immigrants have to give up their original citizenship upon becoming Canadian. Luckily for me, the British government basically says “do what you want”. If I’d had to choose, I probably wouldn’t have given up my British nationality.

Enough of the rationale, what about the methods?

(Yes, it’s grant time again).

Permanent residence is the hard part. Once that’s in the bag, it’s really quite easy to become a citizen. You have to be physically in Canada as a permanent resident for “at least three years (1,095 days) in the past four years before applying”. Every day that you spend out of the country counts against you, and has to be accounted for (I used the stamps in my passport and emails I’d sent to my Mum*** to work this out – the single most important piece of advice I can give to an aspiring citizen is to keep excellent records of your travel during this period). You can count time spent in Canada as a non-permanent resident (i.e. on a work permit), but one day with this status only gets you half a day of residency credit, and you can only claim a maximum of one year.

I used the online calculator to pinpoint the exact day on which I would become eligible to apply for citizenship, and completed as much of the paperwork as I could ahead of time. Unlike the behemoth of the PR application package, which took several months to assemble, the citizenship application form is just five pages long. (It’s also MUCH cheaper to apply for citizenship than for PR status). I also needed to send photos, and photocopies of my passport, PR documents, marriage certificate, and BC healthcare card. I completed the process, appropriately enough, on Canada Day 2008.

The next step in the process was, of course, the infamous citizenship test. In late 2008 I received the study guide and my test date (8:15am on the day after my birthday, boooooooo). I promptly launched into intensive study put the study guide on a shelf and forgot about it. Massimo and others who’d already taken the test had assured me that it was a piece of cake, no problem at all.

So, when I did crack open the study guide, a couple of weeks before my test, the level of detail took me by surprise. I read through the guide a few times, and then took an (unofficial) online practice test.****
And failed.
I just wasn’t prepared for questions about the metals mined from the Canadian shield, or the major industries of Saskatchewan.
Luckily, an email (or two, or three) from Massimo helped to calm me down, as he assured me that the actual test questions would be much easier; more a test of language ability than of knowledge.
And so it proved to be! The test consists of 20 multiple choice questions. You have to get 12 right in total, and you also have to correctly answer two of the three most important questions (the ones about how to vote). There was only one question that I wouldn’t have known the answer to without studying, and that one I could probably have guessed. I definitely don’t want to put anyone off studying, because it’s an interesting and worthwhile thing to do in its own right. And, of course, I benefited greatly from the extensive similarities between the British and Canadian political systems. But really, anyone who pays any attention at all to the news should do OK.
After the test, immigration officials checked the original copies of the documents we’d photocopied and sent in with our applications, and briefly chatted with each person to ensure that we all spoke sufficient English or French. Some people were handed special envelopes and walked out looking perturbed, but I wasn’t one of those people, so I can’t tell you what that was all about. A few of us speculated that some people were being referred for an additional language test, but I really don’t know for sure.
About three months later, I got notification that I’d passed the test. Oh happy day! I was also given my ceremony date; as with the test itself, you’re assigned a date and time, and have to apply for permission to change it. I think you can only miss one assigned test date before you get kicked out of the system and have to reapply; if you miss more than one assigned ceremony date, I think you have to appear in front of a citizenship judge in order to be granted citizenship. But luckily this wasn’t an issue for me, as I was available on both dates.
You already know all about my ceremony, which was very pleasant and only slightly awkward (luckily no-one else sang the anthem in tune either). And that brings us to the end of my (mostly) smooth dealings with Citizenship and Immigration Canada!

So long, and thanks for all the fish memories!

—————–
Wait, what’s that?

You want examples of easy-peasy test questions?

*Sigh*. So demanding.

But, OK.

My favourite question was the first one (on my version – there were at least six different versions distributed around the room, probably to prevent copying). One of the immigration agents gave a short presentation at the beginning of the test, and started off by asking if anyone required the test booklet in French, or if English was OK. The slides he used were in English and French.

Question #1: “What are the two official languages of Canada?”

Apparently, another version asked for the name of the head of state… in a room with a portrait of the Queen proudly displayed on the wall.

Other answer options included “recycling newspapers” as the primary responsibility of Canadian citizens, and “call the police” as the appropriate response to not receiving your voter registration card within a week of an election.

But to see some other examples, you’re just gonna have to take the test yourself!

—————–

*I can still vote in the UK as an ex-pat, but I don’t think that’s right. Especially as I’m a lefty, and therefore likely to vote for tax increases that I wouldn’t actually have to pay.

**PR status is still (as the name suggests) permanent, as it always was. But the new cards are not, so if you ever want to leave the country (and get back in), you really need to renew your card. This rule change has finally prompted my mother-in-law to apply for citizenship; I helped her with her application not long after I submitted mine, and discovered that she became a PR in 1960! As my Dad said to her, “well, you don’t want to rush into anything”. NB she doesn’t have to take the test, as she’s over the upper age limit, but this does delay her ceremony by a few months.

***She insists on knowing the dates, times, and flight numbers for all my trips, even if I’m not going to the UK. She’s a very nervous flyer and has never quite got used to the fact that I fly a couple of times a year.

****There are a few of them out there, but I’m not going to link to them because the bastards freaked me out.

Posted in blog buddies, Canada, photos, politics, silliness | 19 Comments

Land shark!

Spotted yesterday, in Lighthouse Park:
IMG_0732
So… I guess you can fish before this sign. Y’know, on land.

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Holy pap!

WARNING: this post may contain Too Much Information for some readers. Especially the guys. You may want to skip it and wait for my next post, which will probably be about the Canadian citizenship test, with hilarious examples of really easy questions. Or maybe I’ll remember to charge my camera batteries and get a couple of shots of amusing things I see on my ride to work every day. I think I’ve now typed enough waffle to fill the truncated post you see in Google Reader; keep reading at your own risk!

————

One of my distinguishing characteristics is that I always go for the laugh. In awkward situations, that goes double. I’m sure a psychologist would have a field day with that, but hey, it makes for good blog posts.

However, I really need to learn that there are times when I don’t need to make someone giggle. Take my pap/smear test yesterday, for example.

While my doctor was in the middle of the exam, she asked whether I’m in a monogamous relationship. When I said yes, she said “oh, that’s right, you got married, didn’t you? I remember you changing your name. How long ago is that now?”

“Two years – today, actually!”

“Oh, congratulations! Are you doing anything fun?”

Now, this is where I really should have stifled that instinct. But the words were out of my mouth before I even consciously knew what I was going to say:

“What, you mean even more fun than this?”

This situation wouldn’t be at the absolute top of my list of times you don’t want to hear the words “I’m sorry, I’m going to have to wait to continue until my hands stop shaking”. But it’s pretty close.

At least this was with a doctor I actually like. Until a few years ago I was seeing a male doctor who, although a good physician, did not have the most warm and welcoming personality. While preparing for a similar exam, he squeezed the bottle of lube a bit too hard, and a great big glob shot across the room, hit the wall, and gradually slimed its way down to the floor. If he’d just laughed it off, I would have chuckled and moved on. But he was known for being formal and uptight, and actually got incredibly embarrassed. Like, completely mortified, and apologising profusely.

You know how the urge to laugh gets stronger in situations where laughter would be inappropriate? Yeah. I really felt like I couldn’t laugh out loud. So when he tried to start the exam, my entire body was shaking with suppressed laughter, and he had to leave the room and come back five minutes later when I’d calmed down.

Cancer screening is no laughing matter, really*, but it’s good to know it can occasionally involve a good chuckle.

————

*the Test of the Flying Lube Glob actually came back abnormal, and I had to go for a colposcopy. Luckily the results came back normal, as did all subsequent pap tests. If yesterday’s is clear, I’ll be moved back from annual to biennial check-ups from now on (all free – yay, socialised healthcare). This is part of my reason for (over)sharing these stories – I’m quite evangelical about getting my friends and family to keep up their regular testing schedules. And it’s amazing how many of my friends have also had an abnormal result and colposcopy – but never told me about it until I recounted my own experiences. We need to get the word out there!

Posted in medicine, personal, silliness, TMI | 19 Comments

Tuesday pet peeve: tired of weary

Yes, it’s another pedantic pet peeve!

I hear more and more people saying they’re “weary” of something when what they mean is that they’re cautious, suspicious, or distrustful of it.

You’re looking for “wary”, or maybe “leery”. “Weary” means tired. If you say you’re “weary of” something, it means you’re bored or dissatisfied with it.

Go on. Look it up. Any dictionary will do.

See?

A plague of insomnia upon people who misuse the word “weary”!

p.s. it’s my second wedding anniversary today! I can hardly believe it. I am definitely not weary (or wary, or leery) of Mr E Man.

Posted in English language, plagues, rants | 15 Comments

Padlock FAIL

Posted in photos, silliness | 4 Comments

Canadian Immigration: Part II

(This is a series of posts detailing my personal journey from work permit to Canadian citizenship. I’ve included as many details as I can remember. If you found this post using an internet search for Canadian immigration, or if you are a regular reader who is interested in moving to Canada, please bear in mind that things may have changed since I went through the system, and your situation may be completely different from my own. Please consult the Canadian government’s website for more information.)

See also Part I: the wilderness work permit years

Part II: Resident, permanently

I’m not usually one for serious relationship talks, but I was forced into one when Mr E Man and I had been together for less than a year. I needed him to confirm what I really already knew: that we had something special enough that I should apply to stay in Canada permanently.

Believe me when I say I didn’t take this decision lightly. I knew my parents would be very upset, and I spent a lot of time on the phone with my favourite Auntie, who married an American and went off to live in the States when she was just 18. She gave me lots of good advice, mostly about how to break the news…

Anyway, let’s gloss over that conversation and discuss permanent residence. This is (I think) the equivalent of the American Green Card, i.e. you are no longer tied to a specific job. Citizenship gets you voting rights, a passport, a shot at some government jobs, state unemployment and other benefits, and a guarantee of no deportation, but permanent residence gets you pretty much everything else. You do have to renew your PR card every five years, which is a bit of a hassle and is basically intended to push people into citizenship.

So how do you become a permanent resident, aka landed immigrant?

There are several routes. The two options open to me were:

a) move in with Mr E Man, wait a year until we officially had common-law status, and get him to sponsor me.
Advantages: slightly faster process; cheaper.
Disadvantages: he would have had to guarantee that he would be responsible for me for the next ten years (i.e. if I lost my job, he’d have to support me, as PRs can’t claim state benefits).

b) apply through the skilled worker class, which awards points based on education, work experience, and other factors.
Advantages: I could apply immediately, meaning that the sponsorship route wouldn’t actually save me that much time; the satisfaction of qualifying in my own right.
Disadvantages: More expensive.

(The website now lists a separate Canadian Experience Class which wasn’t available when I was applying, but looks like it would have been the best option for me!)

So, skilled worker class it was.

I’m a big fan of the points system. The federal government controls the amount of immigration by raising or lowering the points total you need to qualify, but the cut-off at the time you apply is the one they use to assess your application. This means that if you have enough points (take the test!), you know you’re going to get in (assuming that you pass the medical and police checks – see below). I found the system to be very fair.

(Slooooooow, though. This may be because those of us applying from inside Canada had to send our initial application to the Buffalo office, with all the US applicants. My application went through at the same time as the mass exodus of 2004…)

The application

The PR application forms took me weeks and weeks to complete. You basically have to provide documentation of your employment and education for every single month since the age of 18. In my case this meant digging up university transcripts, degree certificates, and a letter from my postdoc employer (institution AND PI). I also had to try to remember the dates of all my student addresses (with help from my Mum) and summer jobs. The latter caused me some anxiety as I had no way of contacting several former bosses who had since moved on; I stated this in the cover letter (not required, but I put one in anyway) and they never asked me for any further information.

I also had to provide police certificates from England and Scotland, which have separate forces. This cost about GBP20 each, and consisted of them running my name through their computers and providing me with a letter saying “nope, never heard of this person”. I didn’t have to provide anything from the Canadian police at this stage, although I know they checked for a police record at some point.

The big sticking point, though, was the money. The application itself cost me about $1,500, which was bad enough for a postdoc on a $35,000 salary. But you also have to provide evidence that you can support yourself for your first six months in Canada; for a single person at that time, you had to have $9,500 in the bank at the time of your application, and it had to still be there when you were granted PR status. The only way around this requirement was to have a letter from my employer guaranteeing that I had a job for at least the next two years. My awesome PI tried everything in her power to get me this letter, but for a postdoc… no can-do.

Well, I saved like I’ve never saved before. I didn’t buy a single new thing for two years. I made my own lunch every single day, and ate lots of my grad student era rice-carrots-onions-soy sauce special. Mr E Man offered to lend me the money, but theoretically the government could have demanded to see my bank statements to check for big lump sum deposits, and I didn’t want to take a single chance with my application. He did pay for lots of dinners and other treats though! Thankfully, the small pay-out I’d received as compensation for breaking my arm very badly when I was seven, and which my parents had securely stowed away in a long-term savings account, happened to mature just as I was despairing of ever saving enough money, and made up the short-fall with about $10 to spare.

When I finally had everything together and sent off my big fat application envelope (registered mail, of course), I had such a huge sense of relief. What a process! Now, all I had to do was wait.

And wait.

And wait.

The medical

After about nine months, I got a letter asking me to send in my medical results. This was an excellent sign that everything else was proceeding according to plan. Only certain doctors are authorised to perform an immigration medical, and my regular doctor was not on the list. So I made an appointment with the doctor whose office was closest to our apartment.

The medical itself was pretty damn thorough. They took blood, did a complete physical and medical history interview, and a chest X-ray to test for TB. It took about two hours in total. The doctor told me that he’d wait for the blood test results, and then send the package in to Ottawa.

And again, I waited.

And waited.

It was taking much longer than the website said it should. I was moaning about this to a friend in the locker room at work one day, and a random person who was also getting changed piped up with “I have an email address you can use to contact them, shall I send it to you?”

Anyone who’s ever gone through this system will understand how rabidly I leaped upon this offer. The only other way I could get in touch with immigration was through the ridiculous phone system that made you enter all kinds of identification numbers and go through multiple options before it would try to connect you, and then if all agents were busy (as they always were), it would disconnect, making you redial and go through the entire process again. Coupled with the fact that the call centre wasn’t in my time-zone, you’ll understand why we immigrants hate the phone system so much.

Anyway.

I emailed the address I’d been given, asking for an update on my application status. Someone replied a few days later, saying the delay was due to them not receiving my medical results.

MAJOR. PANIC.

I called the doctor’s office, and his snotty receptionist said “of course we sent it”. “Registered mail? I need to know when you sent it, and who signed for it in Ottawa”. “No, regular mail”. “Well, do you keep records of which files you sent on which dates?” “NO” (hangs up).

I tried again, with identical results.

So I got Mr E Man (who had a different surname from mine at the time) to make an appointment with that same doctor a week later, and I tagged along…

The doctor was niceness itself. He realised I was horribly worked up, apologised for the conduct of his receptionist, and said he’d have words with her. He also explained that she wasn’t even responsible for sending out the results; his other office in Richmond handled all of that. He called his other receptionist, who took about five minutes to come up with the date my results had been sent, the tracking number for the registered mail package, and the name of the immigration official who’d signed for it.

Another email to Ottawa, and my medical results magically showed up.

This part of the story still makes me mad; if I hadn’t happened to meet that random person while I was getting changed for work one day, I never would have known what the hold-up was and would have had no chance of fixing the problem.

The flagpole

Anyway, once my medical results were in, it only took a few more months to get a letter saying that I’d been awarded PR status. That made it more or less exactly 18 months from first sending in my application. The final step was go down to the border so I could re-enter Canada and activate my PR status (what are you supposed to do if you live in Northern Manitoba or wherever??!! Not everyone lives half an hour from the border). Somewhat predictably, it took twice as long to clear US immigration as it did to process my paperwork (including a bank statement check) on the Canadian side. The Americans were politer than I’d ever seen them though; they get this a lot, and call it “the flagpole”, as they direct your car into a separate lane that forces you around the flag pole and back into Canada.

So. A celebratory dinner, and a bit more paperwork to switch my SIN and healthcare card to the permanent, no-expiry-date version, and that was that.

Not quite so permanent

Oh, except for the pickpocket incident on our honeymoon. It is no fun at all to try and get a temporary document to let you back into Canada when your PR card gets stolen. I made a special trip down to London to go to the High Commission, where I was treated like a criminal (they seemed to think I was guilty of something, but didn’t know exactly what). The problem was that I hadn’t obtained a police report, which was basically impossible as our train was leaving Madrid 30 minutes after the theft occurred. “Well, you should have got a police report at your destination.” “But I called the embassies in Madrid, Lisbon, Faro, Paris, and London, and no-one told me to do that!!!!!” “Shrug”. After a good few hours of interrogation and fretting, they gave me a sound telling-off and a document saying that my re-entry into Canada would be at the sole discretion of the immigration agent at Vancouver airport. Cue me freaking out for the entire long flight home, and Mr E Man trying to reassure me that they wouldn’t deport me once I was on Canadian soil…

The immigration agent read the document and asked what the deal was. I launched into a lengthy explanation, but only got as far as “WELL. My wallet got stolen in Madrid with my PR card in it” before she said “That SUCKS. Welcome home, eh?” and stamped my passport. Yay, Canada!

As I commented on the honeymoon post, “I really could have done without losing all my ID. Especially as I started a new job a month after we got back and needed all my stuff together! I also wanted the replacement cards in my new name… this started a vicious cycle in which I had to get my social insurance number (SIN) card replaced before I could get my provincial health care card replaced. I needed the new care card before I could replace my permanent resident card. And I needed my permanent resident card in order to get my new SIN card.

The healthcare people eventually took pity on me and broke the cycle, but only after I had to go to hospital a couple of months later to get rehydrated by IV drip after 10 days of food poisoning. It then took a few more months and $$$ to get my PR card back, during which time I couldn’t leave the country and made my parents promise not to get sick!”

Stay tuned for Part III: Citizen Cath!

Posted in Canada, family, personal, travel | 15 Comments

A genetic legacy rears its ugly head in a new generation

My family is plagued by a most unfortunate genetic affliction.

Both of my maternal grandparents had it, as do my mother and one of her sisters.

My mum and auntie exacerbated the situation by marrying men with the same disorder.

They couldn’t really help it; people with this problem are forced by a cruel society to spend most of their time with their fellow sufferers, leaving few other options for finding a mate.

However, my family rejoiced as all members of my generation reached maturity with no signs of the affliction. We were worried about one cousin for a while, but she pulled through and is now a normal, happy, and well adjusted member of society.

But.

The affliction has reappeared in a new generation. Another cousin’s oldest daughter1 had been showing symptoms for a while, and the affliction has now progressed to such a degree that she can officially be considered a new proband affected relative.

pedigree

My unfortunate genetic pedigree

Oh, Dani Dani Dani.

Many congratulations on your A Level results, and your acceptance into your first choice degree course.

But really.

Just when we think we’ve managed to eliminate the teaching gene from the family, you choose teacher training??!!

Sigh.

Continue reading

Posted in Uncategorized | 13 Comments